We more than survived 2020

Well it's that time of year again where we say goodbye to one year and welcome a new one.  I think most of us are pretty relieved to say goodbye to 2020 and are hoping 2021 might be a little bit brighter!  I've been seeing lots of posts about just surviving 2020 and how we shouldn't feel bad if we haven't accomplished anything but just managed to get through this past year.  While I definitely agree with parts of this, I think we can also be proud of all we have accomplished this year because I can guarantee everyone has accomplished something.  

While it can be discouraging to look at others' accomplishments and compare ourselves to them wondering why we didn't accomplish as much, I think if we really think about this year, there can be many accomplishments that each of us can be proud of.  I know there were many days I was thankful just to survive considering I spent most of 2020 very sick and pregnant or with a colicky newborn.  But while it may not have been a typical year for accomplishing goals there are many things I can look at and feel I accomplished and proud of.

I accomplished getting through a pregnancy in a pandemic!  I also managed to keep my toddler occupied in lockdown for several months while being super sick and pregnant (this did almost kill me but I see it as an accomplishment!).  I worked from home before going off on mat leave and managed to transition to this well which I am thankful for.  I made lots of new recipes and while I don't love the extra pounds that has put on me this year, I'm proud of the fact that I used to hate cooking and now am not as intimidated by it because I forced myself to try some new things.  

These are just a few of the accomplishments I'm thankful for this year and I hope it's helped you think of some of yours too.  I guarantee if you look at it in the right way, you will have many too.  Whether you managed to work from home while helping your kids with school (and I know this was a huge, overwhelming task for many), whether you got some organizing and decluttering done at home, whether you managed to make it through many seasons of a show on Netflix (yes, I'm counting that too!), I think we have all managed to do more than just survive 2020.  

I'm not trying to minimize how hard this year has been and it's definitely been harder on some people than others, but I really think how you choose to look at it can impact how you say goodbye to this year and how you walk into the next one.  No matter what 2021 holds for us, I think we can go into this year being proud and thankful of getting through 2020.  And no matter how you feel right now, I really encourage you to set at least one small goal for 2021.  Even if it's as simple as taking care of yourself so that you can recover from 2020.  Even something small to look forward to or to motivate us going into this next year can make a huge difference in our attitude, and I know I'm going to try to practice this as we start this next year in a lockdown.  We got this!  You more than survived 2020 and you can definitely continue to grow in 2021.  

The Reminder that Joy and Peace in this Season is not Broken

 I started Christmas decorating today and as I was getting out my favourite Christmas mugs, I found two of them broken.  Ironically enough, it was the mugs with Joy and Peace printed on them that did not make it.  I thought this was a pretty accurate depiction of 2020 and all that has been happening this year.  And yet, printed on the tray that holds these mugs is the verse "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace."  Romans 15:13.  I didn't think much of it at the time, but when lamenting about my broken mugs to a friend, he suggested that this would be a great topic for a blog post and I agree!

With all that 2020 has stolen from us, I think that joy and peace are two key things that a lot of people have struggled to maintain during this time.  As I reflect back on my own year, there was a lot of joy and peace taken from me as I went through a pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period in this pandemic.  While I have much to be thankful for this year, there was also alot of fear and sadness.  

I really love this verse because it reminds me that while my physical circumstances and the world around me may be in disarray and full of chaos and pain, it is God that I need to find my peace and joy and ultimately, hope in.  I think this is a good reminder to me as we go into this Christmas season with the potential of another lockdown looming over us.  I know my and others' mental health suffered during lockdown and that it was often hard to remain peaceful and joyful in the midst of the fear of this pandemic and the unknown of the future.  

While 2020 has tried to break my joy and peace, I can rest in the comfort that has God carried me through all that 2020 brought and will continue to carry me through all that 2021 will bring.  So as I look at my broken mugs and the tray that holds them, I'm going to remember that my peace and joy cannot be broken by the circumstances around me no matter what happens.  And I will cling to my God who promises to fill me with the real joy and peace that only He can give. This is not always easy and I'm not pretending it is, but it is this hope that sustains me through the trials that so often come day to day and year to year.  I'm looking forward to this Christmas season and 2021 and praying that it holds more joy, peace and hope for our country and our world <3

It Takes a Village (to support a mother)

So this is my first post back after having Eva and I didn't think I had much to write about, but as I've been reflecting on my struggles through the last few weeks this phrase came to mind, "It takes a village." I've always heard this in reference to raising children and I think it is accurate, but I also feel it can apply to taking care of a mother and also in taking care of our own mental health.  We are responsible for caring for ourselves, but a supportive network of people around us is often what makes that easier and possible.  I think most of us are really feeling this now as we have been so isolated because of Covid.  We may not have realized how much we need others around and how helpful they are in caring for ourselves and our children.  

My first postpartum period was vastly different as I just had one baby and it was not during Covid.  This time around so much is affected by the pandemic, although I have still been fortunate enough to have help and visitors (I have allowed this because I believe my mental health is just as important as my physical health and we are still being safe and smart).  

Eva has been so much fussier than Colt was as a baby, and now I also have a toddler who is testing all of our boundaries and honestly driving me crazy!  I really could not have survived this time without the support and care of my friends and family.  We have had people drop off meals and gifts which is so thoughtful.  I have had friends come to carry my laundry baskets up and down the stairs while I heal from my c-section.  Those same friends also had to lift Colt in and out of his crib before and after nap for weeks while I healed.  I have had so many texts and messages from people checking in and letting us know that they are praying for us on days when I was so overwhelmed and often in tears.  We have been so blessed by this community around us.  

I know my mental health would be a whole lot worse right now if I did not have this support and so that is why I say it takes a village to support a mother as well as raise a child.  It takes a village to allow a mother to be able to do self care and nurture herself during this vulnerable time of healing and adjusting to a new baby.  

So to my village...I hope you know who you are...I am so thankful for you, and I realize I have been blessed immensely to have each and every one of you.  And to those of you who don't have this support, I encourage you to reach out to those who are in your life and to accept help if you need it.  I know during this time is tricky with the pandemic, but your mental health is just as important as your physical health and there may be ways you can safely have support.  Don't suffer alone.  And if you're reading this, I'm happy to be part of your village if you need it <3

Contentment in Each Season

 As I find myself less than two weeks away from bringing home a new baby, I'm finding the days passing fast yet slow.  I keep wishing the days away, hoping that soon the day to bring home our baby girl is here.  However, I'm also trying to be patient since I'm realizing I only have a few weeks left with just Colt and Matt before the crazy newborn stage begins again.  There are things I love about having a newborn, but I'm so not looking forward to the sleepless nights and how to balance being a mom of a newborn and a toddler as well as healing from major surgery.  

I find myself dealing with some anxiety that I don't even realize I'm feeling but that seems to settle in at night when it is quiet and I don't have much else to occupy my mind.  I haven't had an easy pregnancy and I've often wished the days away just telling myself that this is a season that will soon be over.  But I'm realizing that even in the midst of the hardest and worst seasons, there is still so much to learn and I don't want to wish even the hard days away.  

I want to be content in each season, even these years of having littles when I feel sick and tired most days. There is still so much joy to be found in this mundane and I know that years from now I'll look back on these days and I'll miss them.  I doubt I'll remember how tired and sick I felt, but I'll remember my sweet little babes and all the snuggles and giggles and seeing the world through their ever-discovering eyes.  

I do find that telling myself that this is just a season does help me to make it through the hard days.  I hear often that the days are long but the years are short, and it definitely seems to be so true.  It feels like we just brought Colt home from the hospital and he's almost two!  I've loved these last two years with him and they have taught me so much and changed me in so many ways.  As hard as this season has been, it's also been one of the best seasons of my life.  

I guess my point in writing this is just to acknowledge the tired, sick, all-sacrificing thing that is motherhood, being pregnant and having little ones.  And some days, I do just count down the hours until bedtime!  But overall, this season is amazing and as I somewhat impatiently wait to do this all over again, I want to look forward expectantly, but also be content in the present and know that this time will never come again.  Soon I will be splitting my time between two little ones and while that will be amazing once we figure it out, I will miss my time with my first little babe.  

Seasons come and go, some good, some harder, but I do believe they are all meant to grow us and change us.   Sometimes it is just about enduring the hard seasons, but I think even in enduring those hard seasons, we can find joy and peace and contentment right where we are.  I think this may be my last post for awhile unless I'm feeling really ambitious, so thanks for reading and please pray for us as we enter into this new adventure! <3

Joyful, yet Mourning

I've had a rough week to be honest.  I'm really struggling with being pregnant, feeling so sick all the time and having low energy and exhaustion.  I'm a pretty high energy person who likes to keep busy and it's always a struggle for me when I feel like I can't get out of bed and do what I want to do.  Also, being pregnant with a toddler is a whole other game and it's rough!  Barely functioning myself while still having to care for a little human is a new level of sacrifice for me and it's been really stretching me.  I'm also finding myself more hormonal and emotional, and my anxiety has been bothering me a bit more than usual these days.  

I don't write all this to complain but I was talking to a sweet friend this week who encouraged me by letting me know that it is okay to mourn even when you are thankful for what you have.  I am so thankful for my little boy and to be blessed to carry a second baby this far.  I know there are many women who struggle with fertility and getting/staying pregnant and that has not been my experience.  I am so thankful for the gift of pregnancy.  But thats not to say, it isn't so so hard for me and one of the hardest things I have had to do...twice!  I remember when I used to pray for what I have now and so many times I find myself in tears because I feel so blessed with what I have been given.  

That being said, just because I am thankful and can rejoice in that doesn't mean that I can't also lament and express how hard this journey has been.  No matter what your life experience is and what you have been through or what you have been given in life, it doesn't change the fact that you are allowed to express when something is difficult or trying for you.  You shouldn't feel guilty for that or be told that you should just suck it up and be thankful.  While it may be true that I should be thankful, we all need people to listen to us in the low times and be there to sit with us in the dark.  Find those people you can be honest with and keep them close! 

I keep telling myself that this is just a season and I will get through it.  Hopefully I only have about 5 more weeks of pregnancy left, and then the postpartum journey begins which also really scares me!  I have no idea what this pandemic will be like then and how I will be a mother to two little ones.  I'm scared for my body after birth and how healing will be, and also how my mental health will be at that time.  I'm choosing to trust God and just leave all of that up to Him but it's still scary.  I'm continually reminding myself to surrender it to Him, and I know that He will carry me through no matter what happens.  And for now, I've been listening to this song on repeat!  It has been really encouraging to me and helping me muster up the energy to keep going some days.  Please listen <3

UpperRoom- Surrounded (Fight My Battles)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx6mfAgHDsY

 

Pregnant in a Pandemic (from an already anxious person)

I thought I would write a little bit about being pregnant in a pandemic as I have been and quite a few of my friends have been as well.  This isn't something that I would have planned or wished for myself or others, but this is our reality and as I've thought about it, I'm not sure I would change it.

As someone who already struggles with anxiety, I would think that this pregnancy during a pandemic would be a lot more stressful for me, but thankfully I have been managing okay.  I definitely have moments where I am worried and stressed about the future, but overall, my anxiety has been manageable.  I also have much better mental health when I am pregnant which is humorous because physically, pregnancy is pretty rough for me.  I'm thankful I have one of the two!

In some ways, I've found being pregnant during this pandemic to be a bit of a blessing because there isn't as much going on and it's easy to be at home when I really haven't felt well most of the time.  There are fewer appointments and get togethers and I'm working from home, so it has been nice to have a lot off of my plate.  Most of my appointments have been easier too.  Everything is so much quicker and some appointments are even over the phone so it has been helpful for me to stay at home for many of them.

I believe God is in control of all that is going on and He knew when I would be pregnant.  This little life inside of me was meant to come at this time, so I'm going to trust Him with the future.  I don't know what my delivery will be like or the postpartum time after.  I worry about being at home isolated with a newborn and a toddler and trying to heal from a c-section, and I wonder how I will get through all of that if we can't have people around.

I've had to go to the ER twice already in this pregnancy and because of COVID, I was alone and had to be by myself.  The first time I went, I was pretty scared we were going to lose our baby and I had to go through that by myself.  But I wasn't alone.  I knew God was present and He sent me wonderful nurses and doctors who cared for me.  He was kind and got me through that, but it certainly wasn't something I would wish on anyone or myself had I known about it beforehand.  There were certainly lots of tears cried before and during.  

I'm thankful I don't know the future and that God gives me the grace that I need for each day.  So that is why I'm trying not to worry about the next month and a half and just trust that God has it figured out.  He knows when and how Eva will arrive and who my doctors and nurses will be.  I believe He will protect us and no matter what happens, it will be for our good and His glory.

This is my experience of being pregnant in a pandemic.  It is not something I would have planned, but it has had its benefits as well.  I'm learning that God's grace is sufficient for each day and that most of my life doesn't go as I planned.  But I'm pretty confident that His way and timing is best, so I'm choosing to keep trusting that He's got all this figured out and will work it all out for good.  And I am counting down each and every day until I'm not pregnant anymore!  

Peace in A World of Pain

This week has been hard.  There is so much pain and suffering and injustice in our world and hearing about it is important, but it's also troubling and it really affects me emotionally.  We are also still in the midst of this pandemic and life is slowly returning to normal but it's still so tinged with worry and fear.  I've had to take a break from social media because it just has not been good for my mental health lately, and I find it consuming my thoughts and making me anxious.

Colt and I had a really rough day yesterday and my headspace was not good.  I wanted to cry all day and several times wanted to lash out at him physically because of the way he was acting.  I could not deal with life yesterday.  I'm thankful for friends who I could share it with and who could encourage me and let me know that I'm not a bad mom for having those days.  I'm also thankful for being able to leave Colt at my parents' house for a few hours so I could have some downtime and collect my thoughts.

All this to say, how do I maintain peace in the midst of all that is going on in our world?  How do I care for myself and not allow my negative feelings to spiral down and plunge me into a space where I can't function well?  My heart is heavy with so much, and I don't know how to release that weight.

As I am writing this, Psalm 61:1-3 came to mind, "Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint.  Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy."  I'm so thankful for this verse and the comfort it fills me with.  I don't have the magical answer to rid myself of stress, anxiety, fear and pain, but I do know that God is my refuge and that He is sovereign and He will carry me and His people through.  I don't know how to solve the world's problems, and I hate the death and fear and pain that surrounds me all of the time in this world.  I think it's good to be affected by it, but I hate that there is so much hurt around us.  Some days I just don't want to wake up and deal with it all.

However, God is faithful and He also sustains and I know that He can equip us to be able to survive those seemingly hopeless days, and also to be love and grace and hope to those around us.  The only way to have peace within is through Him.  I'm so thankful for that hope and promise, and it is what gets me through days like yesterday.

Some practical things that help me deal with my anxiety and heavy moods are consistently remaining thankful for things around me and speaking those things out loud.  Throughout the day, I'm often listing things I am thankful for even when my day seems to be falling apart and my mood is bleak.  Like I said, I took a break from scrolling through social media and posting this week and that has helped me too.  It helps to have a break from screen time, and it helps me to focus on my family and friends and my life right in front of me.  It's also important to know myself and know what I need and when I need it.  I knew yesterday I could not cope with being alone, so I was thankful to have my mom's help.  It's ok to ask for help from those around us who love us and so often want to help.  I often feel guilty asking for someone to help watch Colt, but I knew yesterday I needed that and I knew my mom was willing to help.  We also deny others the blessing of serving us when we don't allow them to help us.  I love helping others out and I know if I was denied that, I would be missing out on so much joy.

Anyway thanks so much for reading and I hope that my struggles and vulnerability can bring encouragement and hope to someone else.  There are practical things that we can do to help with attaining peace, but ultimately I believe that true and lasting peace is something that is given by God and unable to be completely understood.  It can carry me through even the most difficult of circumstances and give me hope and joy when the world around me is crumbling.  For that I am thankful.  <3