We more than survived 2020

Well it's that time of year again where we say goodbye to one year and welcome a new one.  I think most of us are pretty relieved to say goodbye to 2020 and are hoping 2021 might be a little bit brighter!  I've been seeing lots of posts about just surviving 2020 and how we shouldn't feel bad if we haven't accomplished anything but just managed to get through this past year.  While I definitely agree with parts of this, I think we can also be proud of all we have accomplished this year because I can guarantee everyone has accomplished something.  

While it can be discouraging to look at others' accomplishments and compare ourselves to them wondering why we didn't accomplish as much, I think if we really think about this year, there can be many accomplishments that each of us can be proud of.  I know there were many days I was thankful just to survive considering I spent most of 2020 very sick and pregnant or with a colicky newborn.  But while it may not have been a typical year for accomplishing goals there are many things I can look at and feel I accomplished and proud of.

I accomplished getting through a pregnancy in a pandemic!  I also managed to keep my toddler occupied in lockdown for several months while being super sick and pregnant (this did almost kill me but I see it as an accomplishment!).  I worked from home before going off on mat leave and managed to transition to this well which I am thankful for.  I made lots of new recipes and while I don't love the extra pounds that has put on me this year, I'm proud of the fact that I used to hate cooking and now am not as intimidated by it because I forced myself to try some new things.  

These are just a few of the accomplishments I'm thankful for this year and I hope it's helped you think of some of yours too.  I guarantee if you look at it in the right way, you will have many too.  Whether you managed to work from home while helping your kids with school (and I know this was a huge, overwhelming task for many), whether you got some organizing and decluttering done at home, whether you managed to make it through many seasons of a show on Netflix (yes, I'm counting that too!), I think we have all managed to do more than just survive 2020.  

I'm not trying to minimize how hard this year has been and it's definitely been harder on some people than others, but I really think how you choose to look at it can impact how you say goodbye to this year and how you walk into the next one.  No matter what 2021 holds for us, I think we can go into this year being proud and thankful of getting through 2020.  And no matter how you feel right now, I really encourage you to set at least one small goal for 2021.  Even if it's as simple as taking care of yourself so that you can recover from 2020.  Even something small to look forward to or to motivate us going into this next year can make a huge difference in our attitude, and I know I'm going to try to practice this as we start this next year in a lockdown.  We got this!  You more than survived 2020 and you can definitely continue to grow in 2021.  

The Reminder that Joy and Peace in this Season is not Broken

 I started Christmas decorating today and as I was getting out my favourite Christmas mugs, I found two of them broken.  Ironically enough, it was the mugs with Joy and Peace printed on them that did not make it.  I thought this was a pretty accurate depiction of 2020 and all that has been happening this year.  And yet, printed on the tray that holds these mugs is the verse "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace."  Romans 15:13.  I didn't think much of it at the time, but when lamenting about my broken mugs to a friend, he suggested that this would be a great topic for a blog post and I agree!

With all that 2020 has stolen from us, I think that joy and peace are two key things that a lot of people have struggled to maintain during this time.  As I reflect back on my own year, there was a lot of joy and peace taken from me as I went through a pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period in this pandemic.  While I have much to be thankful for this year, there was also alot of fear and sadness.  

I really love this verse because it reminds me that while my physical circumstances and the world around me may be in disarray and full of chaos and pain, it is God that I need to find my peace and joy and ultimately, hope in.  I think this is a good reminder to me as we go into this Christmas season with the potential of another lockdown looming over us.  I know my and others' mental health suffered during lockdown and that it was often hard to remain peaceful and joyful in the midst of the fear of this pandemic and the unknown of the future.  

While 2020 has tried to break my joy and peace, I can rest in the comfort that has God carried me through all that 2020 brought and will continue to carry me through all that 2021 will bring.  So as I look at my broken mugs and the tray that holds them, I'm going to remember that my peace and joy cannot be broken by the circumstances around me no matter what happens.  And I will cling to my God who promises to fill me with the real joy and peace that only He can give. This is not always easy and I'm not pretending it is, but it is this hope that sustains me through the trials that so often come day to day and year to year.  I'm looking forward to this Christmas season and 2021 and praying that it holds more joy, peace and hope for our country and our world <3

It Takes a Village (to support a mother)

So this is my first post back after having Eva and I didn't think I had much to write about, but as I've been reflecting on my struggles through the last few weeks this phrase came to mind, "It takes a village." I've always heard this in reference to raising children and I think it is accurate, but I also feel it can apply to taking care of a mother and also in taking care of our own mental health.  We are responsible for caring for ourselves, but a supportive network of people around us is often what makes that easier and possible.  I think most of us are really feeling this now as we have been so isolated because of Covid.  We may not have realized how much we need others around and how helpful they are in caring for ourselves and our children.  

My first postpartum period was vastly different as I just had one baby and it was not during Covid.  This time around so much is affected by the pandemic, although I have still been fortunate enough to have help and visitors (I have allowed this because I believe my mental health is just as important as my physical health and we are still being safe and smart).  

Eva has been so much fussier than Colt was as a baby, and now I also have a toddler who is testing all of our boundaries and honestly driving me crazy!  I really could not have survived this time without the support and care of my friends and family.  We have had people drop off meals and gifts which is so thoughtful.  I have had friends come to carry my laundry baskets up and down the stairs while I heal from my c-section.  Those same friends also had to lift Colt in and out of his crib before and after nap for weeks while I healed.  I have had so many texts and messages from people checking in and letting us know that they are praying for us on days when I was so overwhelmed and often in tears.  We have been so blessed by this community around us.  

I know my mental health would be a whole lot worse right now if I did not have this support and so that is why I say it takes a village to support a mother as well as raise a child.  It takes a village to allow a mother to be able to do self care and nurture herself during this vulnerable time of healing and adjusting to a new baby.  

So to my village...I hope you know who you are...I am so thankful for you, and I realize I have been blessed immensely to have each and every one of you.  And to those of you who don't have this support, I encourage you to reach out to those who are in your life and to accept help if you need it.  I know during this time is tricky with the pandemic, but your mental health is just as important as your physical health and there may be ways you can safely have support.  Don't suffer alone.  And if you're reading this, I'm happy to be part of your village if you need it <3

Contentment in Each Season

 As I find myself less than two weeks away from bringing home a new baby, I'm finding the days passing fast yet slow.  I keep wishing the days away, hoping that soon the day to bring home our baby girl is here.  However, I'm also trying to be patient since I'm realizing I only have a few weeks left with just Colt and Matt before the crazy newborn stage begins again.  There are things I love about having a newborn, but I'm so not looking forward to the sleepless nights and how to balance being a mom of a newborn and a toddler as well as healing from major surgery.  

I find myself dealing with some anxiety that I don't even realize I'm feeling but that seems to settle in at night when it is quiet and I don't have much else to occupy my mind.  I haven't had an easy pregnancy and I've often wished the days away just telling myself that this is a season that will soon be over.  But I'm realizing that even in the midst of the hardest and worst seasons, there is still so much to learn and I don't want to wish even the hard days away.  

I want to be content in each season, even these years of having littles when I feel sick and tired most days. There is still so much joy to be found in this mundane and I know that years from now I'll look back on these days and I'll miss them.  I doubt I'll remember how tired and sick I felt, but I'll remember my sweet little babes and all the snuggles and giggles and seeing the world through their ever-discovering eyes.  

I do find that telling myself that this is just a season does help me to make it through the hard days.  I hear often that the days are long but the years are short, and it definitely seems to be so true.  It feels like we just brought Colt home from the hospital and he's almost two!  I've loved these last two years with him and they have taught me so much and changed me in so many ways.  As hard as this season has been, it's also been one of the best seasons of my life.  

I guess my point in writing this is just to acknowledge the tired, sick, all-sacrificing thing that is motherhood, being pregnant and having little ones.  And some days, I do just count down the hours until bedtime!  But overall, this season is amazing and as I somewhat impatiently wait to do this all over again, I want to look forward expectantly, but also be content in the present and know that this time will never come again.  Soon I will be splitting my time between two little ones and while that will be amazing once we figure it out, I will miss my time with my first little babe.  

Seasons come and go, some good, some harder, but I do believe they are all meant to grow us and change us.   Sometimes it is just about enduring the hard seasons, but I think even in enduring those hard seasons, we can find joy and peace and contentment right where we are.  I think this may be my last post for awhile unless I'm feeling really ambitious, so thanks for reading and please pray for us as we enter into this new adventure! <3

Joyful, yet Mourning

I've had a rough week to be honest.  I'm really struggling with being pregnant, feeling so sick all the time and having low energy and exhaustion.  I'm a pretty high energy person who likes to keep busy and it's always a struggle for me when I feel like I can't get out of bed and do what I want to do.  Also, being pregnant with a toddler is a whole other game and it's rough!  Barely functioning myself while still having to care for a little human is a new level of sacrifice for me and it's been really stretching me.  I'm also finding myself more hormonal and emotional, and my anxiety has been bothering me a bit more than usual these days.  

I don't write all this to complain but I was talking to a sweet friend this week who encouraged me by letting me know that it is okay to mourn even when you are thankful for what you have.  I am so thankful for my little boy and to be blessed to carry a second baby this far.  I know there are many women who struggle with fertility and getting/staying pregnant and that has not been my experience.  I am so thankful for the gift of pregnancy.  But thats not to say, it isn't so so hard for me and one of the hardest things I have had to do...twice!  I remember when I used to pray for what I have now and so many times I find myself in tears because I feel so blessed with what I have been given.  

That being said, just because I am thankful and can rejoice in that doesn't mean that I can't also lament and express how hard this journey has been.  No matter what your life experience is and what you have been through or what you have been given in life, it doesn't change the fact that you are allowed to express when something is difficult or trying for you.  You shouldn't feel guilty for that or be told that you should just suck it up and be thankful.  While it may be true that I should be thankful, we all need people to listen to us in the low times and be there to sit with us in the dark.  Find those people you can be honest with and keep them close! 

I keep telling myself that this is just a season and I will get through it.  Hopefully I only have about 5 more weeks of pregnancy left, and then the postpartum journey begins which also really scares me!  I have no idea what this pandemic will be like then and how I will be a mother to two little ones.  I'm scared for my body after birth and how healing will be, and also how my mental health will be at that time.  I'm choosing to trust God and just leave all of that up to Him but it's still scary.  I'm continually reminding myself to surrender it to Him, and I know that He will carry me through no matter what happens.  And for now, I've been listening to this song on repeat!  It has been really encouraging to me and helping me muster up the energy to keep going some days.  Please listen <3

UpperRoom- Surrounded (Fight My Battles)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx6mfAgHDsY

 

Pregnant in a Pandemic (from an already anxious person)

I thought I would write a little bit about being pregnant in a pandemic as I have been and quite a few of my friends have been as well.  This isn't something that I would have planned or wished for myself or others, but this is our reality and as I've thought about it, I'm not sure I would change it.

As someone who already struggles with anxiety, I would think that this pregnancy during a pandemic would be a lot more stressful for me, but thankfully I have been managing okay.  I definitely have moments where I am worried and stressed about the future, but overall, my anxiety has been manageable.  I also have much better mental health when I am pregnant which is humorous because physically, pregnancy is pretty rough for me.  I'm thankful I have one of the two!

In some ways, I've found being pregnant during this pandemic to be a bit of a blessing because there isn't as much going on and it's easy to be at home when I really haven't felt well most of the time.  There are fewer appointments and get togethers and I'm working from home, so it has been nice to have a lot off of my plate.  Most of my appointments have been easier too.  Everything is so much quicker and some appointments are even over the phone so it has been helpful for me to stay at home for many of them.

I believe God is in control of all that is going on and He knew when I would be pregnant.  This little life inside of me was meant to come at this time, so I'm going to trust Him with the future.  I don't know what my delivery will be like or the postpartum time after.  I worry about being at home isolated with a newborn and a toddler and trying to heal from a c-section, and I wonder how I will get through all of that if we can't have people around.

I've had to go to the ER twice already in this pregnancy and because of COVID, I was alone and had to be by myself.  The first time I went, I was pretty scared we were going to lose our baby and I had to go through that by myself.  But I wasn't alone.  I knew God was present and He sent me wonderful nurses and doctors who cared for me.  He was kind and got me through that, but it certainly wasn't something I would wish on anyone or myself had I known about it beforehand.  There were certainly lots of tears cried before and during.  

I'm thankful I don't know the future and that God gives me the grace that I need for each day.  So that is why I'm trying not to worry about the next month and a half and just trust that God has it figured out.  He knows when and how Eva will arrive and who my doctors and nurses will be.  I believe He will protect us and no matter what happens, it will be for our good and His glory.

This is my experience of being pregnant in a pandemic.  It is not something I would have planned, but it has had its benefits as well.  I'm learning that God's grace is sufficient for each day and that most of my life doesn't go as I planned.  But I'm pretty confident that His way and timing is best, so I'm choosing to keep trusting that He's got all this figured out and will work it all out for good.  And I am counting down each and every day until I'm not pregnant anymore!  

Peace in A World of Pain

This week has been hard.  There is so much pain and suffering and injustice in our world and hearing about it is important, but it's also troubling and it really affects me emotionally.  We are also still in the midst of this pandemic and life is slowly returning to normal but it's still so tinged with worry and fear.  I've had to take a break from social media because it just has not been good for my mental health lately, and I find it consuming my thoughts and making me anxious.

Colt and I had a really rough day yesterday and my headspace was not good.  I wanted to cry all day and several times wanted to lash out at him physically because of the way he was acting.  I could not deal with life yesterday.  I'm thankful for friends who I could share it with and who could encourage me and let me know that I'm not a bad mom for having those days.  I'm also thankful for being able to leave Colt at my parents' house for a few hours so I could have some downtime and collect my thoughts.

All this to say, how do I maintain peace in the midst of all that is going on in our world?  How do I care for myself and not allow my negative feelings to spiral down and plunge me into a space where I can't function well?  My heart is heavy with so much, and I don't know how to release that weight.

As I am writing this, Psalm 61:1-3 came to mind, "Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint.  Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy."  I'm so thankful for this verse and the comfort it fills me with.  I don't have the magical answer to rid myself of stress, anxiety, fear and pain, but I do know that God is my refuge and that He is sovereign and He will carry me and His people through.  I don't know how to solve the world's problems, and I hate the death and fear and pain that surrounds me all of the time in this world.  I think it's good to be affected by it, but I hate that there is so much hurt around us.  Some days I just don't want to wake up and deal with it all.

However, God is faithful and He also sustains and I know that He can equip us to be able to survive those seemingly hopeless days, and also to be love and grace and hope to those around us.  The only way to have peace within is through Him.  I'm so thankful for that hope and promise, and it is what gets me through days like yesterday.

Some practical things that help me deal with my anxiety and heavy moods are consistently remaining thankful for things around me and speaking those things out loud.  Throughout the day, I'm often listing things I am thankful for even when my day seems to be falling apart and my mood is bleak.  Like I said, I took a break from scrolling through social media and posting this week and that has helped me too.  It helps to have a break from screen time, and it helps me to focus on my family and friends and my life right in front of me.  It's also important to know myself and know what I need and when I need it.  I knew yesterday I could not cope with being alone, so I was thankful to have my mom's help.  It's ok to ask for help from those around us who love us and so often want to help.  I often feel guilty asking for someone to help watch Colt, but I knew yesterday I needed that and I knew my mom was willing to help.  We also deny others the blessing of serving us when we don't allow them to help us.  I love helping others out and I know if I was denied that, I would be missing out on so much joy.

Anyway thanks so much for reading and I hope that my struggles and vulnerability can bring encouragement and hope to someone else.  There are practical things that we can do to help with attaining peace, but ultimately I believe that true and lasting peace is something that is given by God and unable to be completely understood.  It can carry me through even the most difficult of circumstances and give me hope and joy when the world around me is crumbling.  For that I am thankful.  <3

Learning to Accept a New Normal and Being Anxious to go Back to Life as It Was

I was talking with a friend this week and it was interesting because we were saying how we both feel like we are adjusting to the way things are in this pandemic and the thought of things going back to how they were before brings us some anxiety.

I think for everyone this pandemic and isolation has been hard, definitely harder for some than others.  There have been parts of it that have been extremely hard for me, but I can also see a lot of good in my life in terms of more family time for us and just realizing what is important.  I'm kind of getting used to the way things are right now.  Of course, I still want things to go back to normal and to be able to visit with people again and go to stores and not worry about this virus.  But there are parts of me that find myself getting anxious about things going back to the way they were before.  In a lot of ways, life has slowed down for me and there are a lot of extra things that just aren't happening anymore.  Some of those I miss, but some of them have been healthy for me to let go.

I think with mental illness there is always this anxiety that comes and goes with each new normal and with each change in life.  Even without mental illness, I think this anxiety can be there, but I know it can be heightened if you already struggle with anxiety/depression.

I find myself wondering about when things go back to a more normal life, will I miss some of the aspects of my life that I've had these past few months?  My husband has been home and off work and that has been stressful financially, but we have loved the time together, and its been so nice for Colt to spend so much time with his Daddy at this young age.  With Matt's job, he often worked long hours and we would only see him a bit in the morning and a bit in the evening, sometimes he was home after Colt was in bed.  It's been so nice to have that time as a family and even with the added financial stress, God has provided over and above what we have needed.  He is always using these situations to teach me that He's got me and I don't need to worry.  If he can clothe the flowers and feed the birds, He can most certainly take care of me.

In some ways, I've found I've been able to connect with people more during this time.  Making the effort to call people on FaceTime, to send cards to people for encouragement, to think of who could use a text or message each day.  I definitely don't want to see this reaching out and caring for people stop in my life, and I want to continue to think of others even when life resumes as normal.

Anyway all this to say, I am looking forward to life resuming as normal, but I do have some apprehension about change and how things are going to look.  I look forward to a world where we aren't focusing on COVID-19, but I think in many ways this time has been good for me to slow down and realize what is important.  I hope when I go back to life as it was that I won't take so many little things in my life for granted, and I will realize what a blessing it is to be able to have my friends into my home and give them a hug!  I can't wait to go back to church again and worship together in person as one body.  But I will always remember this time and what it was to our family and I'm grateful for that.

If you are feeling anxious in this isolation time but also feeling anxious about going back, you are not alone and I know there are others who are right there with you!  We will get through it and we will also adjust when life returns to a more normal pace.  Keep checking in on those around you and hopefully we can all make this adjustment easier for one another <3

Guilt in a Pandemic

When thinking about what I wanted to write about today, I thought I would share some of the struggles of already being an anxious or depressed person and then also experiencing a worldwide pandemic WHILE being pregnant!

Overall, I am actually doing okay and I'm so thankful for that.  When I'm pregnant, I actually experience less anxiety which is a huge blessing.  However being pregnant in a pandemic is pretty scary, wondering about all the what ifs and possible things that can happen/go wrong.

It's tough to be stuck at home with a toddler that desperately wants to go outside and be social and being cooped up as a family definitely tries all of our patience!  However, I do know that we are so blessed to be safe in our home and able to stay at home in this time.  I have friends who are nurses who desperately want to be home, but are out on the frontlines serving our communities and I'm so thankful for them.

I think the biggest thing that weighs on me right now is guilt.  I feel judged a lot and I don't know if that is me putting that on myself, or if others are actually being judgy.  I worry every time I leave my house if my neighbours are wondering where I'm going, and if I'm doing something "essential" and whether I will be reported.  I worry about every post I post on Instagram in case someone can get me in trouble or judge me doing something they might think is unnessary.  I 100% think we all need to be doing what we can to stay home and flatten the curve and not contribute to the spread of Covid.  But I have also been reading a lot of posts about how judgmental people are being about what is essential and nonessential and making people feel terrible about what they are doing.  No, you should not be going out and wandering around when you don't need to, or having parties and gatherings, but as a mom of a toddler, I go crazy if we are all home all day.  If we need to go out for a drive or if I even need to meet up with a friend and sit in a parking lot in separate cars and have some physical social interaction WHILE BEING 2 METRES apart, who are you to judge that?  I think mental health is just as important as physical health and if someone is doing something safe to stay sane and be able to cope, that is essential.

Again, I have friends who are nurses who are putting themselves on the line and risking their own health and family's health to serve us, so I'm not advocating being stupid and putting yourself or others at risk, but I do think everyone's needs are different, so please don't judge others when their situation may be different than yours.  I've actually found the people that seem to be the loudest about staying home are the introverts and the people who have no young kids, because honestly, it's a lot easier to be home when you fit into those two categories!

So just a friendly reminder from someone who is struggling with mental health and guilt and trying to do her best to follow the rules...try not to be so judgy and put yourselves in others' shoes before you jump to conclusions.  A lot of times, the people you are judging aren't doing anything wrong, but it just looks unnecessary to you.  So be kind right now because we all need it and we certainly don't need more guilty and anxiety and stress in our lives!

Managing Anxiety and Covid-19

Everyone is talking about Covid-19 right now.  Some people are panicking and making things worse, but the reality is that this is the topic of conversation and it is on everyone's minds right now.  I thought I would write a post as someone who struggles with anxiety and how this is affecting me and some things I'm finding helpful right now.

First of all, I'm trying to stay calm and not worry.  I know that God is in control and fear only robs me of my joy today.  That being said there are real concerns and I'm also doing my best to be wise and make thoughtful decisions for myself and my family.  I'm rarely on social media these days and I'm finding that to be really really helpful for myself.  I think it's causing our focus to be on covid constantly and I know there is helpful and encouraging information out there, but I'd rather think less about all of it right now as it's on my mind enough as it is.  I encourage you that if you notice being on social media is causing more anxiety and stress to get rid of it for a time.

I think the social isolation part of this whole thing is what stresses me out the most and I think it's so important to be in community as we go through this.  I'm going to be setting up phone/Facetime dates with friends so that even if we can't see each other in person, we can be encouraging one another and spending time together in conversation.

I'm also trying to continue to have a positive and thankful attitude about what is going on.  Thankful that I can spend more time with my family, thankful that I can have some time at home to get stuff done around the house, thankful that in this country I will most likely continue to have access to food and health care if I need it.  I realize there are real concerns about finances, health, etc.  Believe me, most of these affect and concern me too but I'm trying to focus on what I can be thankful about in this time instead of worrying and complaining about what I can't control.

I have moments of worry and panic and as someone who has a compromised immune system, I do worry about my health.  I worry that the hospitals will become overcrowded and I may not get the help that I need if I need it.  But I know that these are future worries and they only give me anxiety and fear today and do not add anything to my life.  These may never be concerns for me and if they are, I once again know that God is in control and He will care for me as needed.  He has always supplied for my needs and I know He will continue to do so.

I want to also be generous and caring to those who are worried and possibly in need during this time.  I will not be hoarding things in my cupboard, but will be giving what I have to my friends and neighbours if they are in need.  I do not need things to be sitting in my cupboard while others are in need.  And if the time comes when I need those things again, I believe God will provide what I need.  I encourage others to do the same.  So please message me if you are in need of anything and maybe I can help!

I'm reading a book right now on healthy rhythms and how to better deal with anxiety by Rebekah Lyons.  It's been really helpful and it's keeping my perspective on what is important and how to deal with my anxiety in a healthy way.  It's been a great read so far and I highly recommend it.  I also want to keep my focus on things that are giving me hope and joy and not filling me with fear and worry.  I am thinking about listening to a sermon or a podcast each day to keep my thoughts away from covid-19.

I just wanted to share some of my coping strategies right now and I'm praying that anyone who reads this is given hope and encouragement.  This time will pass and let's focus on how we can live fully even during this difficult time.  Praying for you all and wishing you all good health <3

This quote popped up on my FB feed memories from 2011 yesterday and I thought it was quite fitting. "The fear of death follows from the fear of life.  A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time."  Let's all continue to live fully even in this scary time.

Free from Suffering

I haven't written a post in awhile and I wasn't really sure what to write about recently.  I've been reading through the book of Mark and the other day, I read Mark 5.  In that chapter, there is a passage about Jesus healing a sick woman who had been suffering with bleeding for twelve years.  I read these particular couple of verses and they struck me.  "When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, 'If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.' Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering."  I couldn't get this sentence out of my head once I read it.  It just blew me away!

As someone who has suffered from physical illness off and on, and with mental illness for many years, I wondered what that would feel like to feel in my body that I was freed from my suffering!  It seems unbelievable to me, but I can only imagine what an incredible feeling it would be.

I know I am healed now from sin and that ultimately death has no victory over me, but I wonder what it would feel like on this earth to know that I was freed from my physical and mental suffering.  Some  people experience this here and now and I am so thankful for that.  So far I have not, but that doesn't mean I can't keep praying for healing.

I just wanted to share this passage and my thoughts on it, because that line just wouldn't leave me and it encourages me greatly.  To know that I have experienced ultimate healing from sin and death is something I am so grateful for.  To know that others do experience healing here on earth from their physical and mental illnesses is also something to be hopeful for.  But ultimately knowing that someday when I am in Heaven, I will definitely know what it is like to feel in my body that I am free from suffering.  That is something to look forward to and to give me joy and hope here and now.  And I hope it does for you too!

Conquering fear, It's not always how you think...

A few months back, I wrote a post about how I was about to do a big, scary thing for me.  Well that big, scary thing is finished and I made it through!  I thought it would be good for me to write about it so that I can remember it in the future when I am struggling with other fears and anxieties.  And maybe I can encourage someone else by sharing my story.  

I thought I might feel a big sense of relief when I finished but I don't really.  The anxiety and fear just gradually faded away in time.  I wish I could say that something amazing came out of me accomplishing this fear of mine, but nothing life-altering happened either.

However, I am so thankful I faced my fear and accomplished what I set out to accomplish despite the paralyzing fear and anxiety that I felt emotionally and physically.  I know that this will give me future confidence when something else comes up that I feel I can't face.

I'm so thankful that God gave me the strength and daily grace I needed when I had to face my fears.  I will never stop being in awe of how He does that for me.

I still experienced crippling anxiety and awful physical symptoms from facing this fear, and I wish I could say that they magically went away as I did it, but they didn't.  I wish I could say I prayed about them and they vanished, but I think it shows more of God's amazing strength that He sustained me throughout it instead.

I know there were many things that I learned through this, and I know that it grew me in some pretty cool ways.  I hope most of all that other people can be encouraged as I tell my story and that they, too, can know that they can face their fears and come out of them stronger.

I will always say that courage is not that you won't experience fear and anxiety, but that you keep on going despite that fear.  Conquering fear may not look exactly like you would think, but it's a pretty great accomplishment when you complete something that you never thought you could.  If I can do it, so can you <3

When the Night Comes...

Ever since Colt was born, I've had a really hard time as night approaches.  I don't know what exactly it is, but something about the darkness closing in on me really stirs up my anxiety and depression.  I think it started when we were up all night with Colt and I just dreaded the long night knowing that I wouldn't get sleep.  However, now Colt sleeps through the night and I'm sleeping pretty well, and yet I still really struggle as night approaches.  It's like all my worst fears start playing in my head and everything looks so much scarier and hopeless.  

I don't know why this happens and I don't know how long it will last, but something that I have found really helpful is just knowing that when the morning comes, my fears and worries will seem less scary.  With the morning light, the big, looming things in my life that seemed so hopeless seem to fade away or at least fade in their significance.  I am thankful that I don't feel this fear and anxiety all day, and that there is hope and relief from the anxiety and fear that grip me at night.  

It helps me to know that joy and hope come in the morning, and so I cling to that each night if I am lying awake feeling hopeless and scared.  I know I am not alone in those moments and I cling to God and the promise that He is there and He knows my fears.  He will not let me face them alone and when the morning light comes, they often fade away and I have the strength to face the day.  Often, the big, scary things that seem so hopeless at night are things that never come to pass, or are things that I had worked up in my head that end up being fine when they actually do occur.  

I don't really know why I'm writing about this honestly.  I'm not sure if other people have this same struggle and fear the night, but if you do, I hope you can see the light in the morning.  I hope that your fears and your anxieties lessen with the day and that the fear of the night doesn't hold you in its grip.  If you do have this same struggle, you're not alone and I know how you feel!  I look forward to the day when there is no more night or at least no more darkness to fear <3

"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light.  I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night." -Sarah Williams

When God doesn't take the anxiety away...

I thought this would be a good post for today because this is something that has been so very true of my life.  Anxiety and depression have been a part of my life for a long time now, and so far God has not cured me of them or taken them away.  This has been something I've struggled with often, but overall I'm thankful for who these struggles have made me and how I've grown through them.  

One of the first things you often get asked by other Christians who have no experience with mental illness is if you have prayed about your anxiety.  It can also be framed in a way that makes you feel that if you only trusted God more, prayed more, read your Bible more, then your anxiety and depression should go away.  

Once again, this has not been my experience and it is one of my greatest frustrations with people who are just trying to help.  

But it doesn't help.  

In fact, it can be one of the most discouraging things someone struggling with mental illness can hear.  If I told you, my leg was broken, would you tell me to pray about it?  Would you ask me if I'm trusting God enough because if I was, then maybe my broken leg would be fixed?  Rarely does it work like that.  People with mental illness often have chemical imbalances and something in their mind/brain might not work like it is supposed to.  They often need medication to help them in this struggle.  Maybe the medication is just used for a time, but it can be a very real need.  (I do believe counselling is also a part of healing).  

My personal experience with anxiety and depression is that it has not been taken away.  However, amidst the pain and struggles, God has been present every step of the way.  He has given me wise counsellors, doctors and psychiatrists who have helped me in many ways.  He has given me friends and family to support me when I struggle.  He has given me medication that without, I would probably not be here today.  He has never left me alone, and He is the main reason I keep pressing on and fighting this battle.

He has not chosen to take away my illness.  Yes, I do pray about my anxiety.  Honestly, I probably pray about it more than anyone would realize because it's such a huge struggle.  Just recently I wrote about a really big challenge I faced.  I prayed so often about this big thing because it was impacting my life greatly.  I suffered many symptoms of the anxiety including nausea, loss of appetite, headaches, daily anxiety, upset stomach, loss of sleep, etc.  God did not take those away during this time even though I prayed constantly about it!  But He was there every step of the way, and He did give me daily grace to handle what I had to do.  I wish I had felt an overwhelming sense of peace when I prayed, and I wish my anxiety and symptoms just disappeared.  But that wasn't my experience, and it isn't the experience of so many people who struggle with their mental health.  

So, no, God has not chosen to take away my anxiety.  Oh, how I wish He would!  But at the same time, the way it makes me rely on Him so often and so much makes me thankful for it in a way.  Although that is really hard to say when I'm suffering so much physically from it.  So take heart those who struggle because you are not alone!  Many of us struggle and our faith is strong!  Sometimes there are sin issues we may need to deal with that are a cause of our anxiety, but for many people, mental illness is an affliction we will deal with for the rest of our lives.  So please lean on the One who knows your struggles and who walks through the valley with you.  He is there.  He may choose not to take away your pain and your illness, but He knows what is best for you and He is using it to mold you into someone more like Him.  

And for those of you who don't struggle or understand mental illness.  Please don't ask us if we have prayed about our struggles as though this is something that has never occurred to us.  Please don't tell us we don't have enough faith.  Encourage us in this battle.  Ask us how you can pray for us and what time of the day is hardest for us, so you can be praying at that time.  Share with us a Scripture that has encouraged you in hard times.  Ask us what practical things you can do to make our loads lighter.  Let us know you are there and you love us.  The last thing we need is more guilt, and I really don't think that is what God wants from our anxiety.  

You got this, friends.  Keep waking up each day and pressing on.  The world is so much better with you in it <3

Courage is not the Absence of Fear...

I've been thinking a lot about courage lately and facing my fears.  I have something coming up in my life that I have been fearing for a long time and it is finally approaching.  Daily, I teeter between being absolutely terrified and wanting to run away, and then finding my resolve and feeling confident that I can do this.  It doesn't really matter what my fear is.  We all have fears and some fears may not be understood by others, but if it is something that you fear, it is a real fear for you.  

I guess I'm hoping that by writing this, I have something on the record that I can look back on when this is all over and remember how I was feeling.  I want to remember how scared I am and what it feels like to have this fear looming over me.  I want to look back and hopefully be proud of myself for what I have accomplished.  I pray that my situation turns out well, but even if it doesn't, I know that I did the right thing by showing up and doing what I said I would do even when I was scared out of my mind.  

I believe I am meant to do what I am scared of.  That I have been called and equipped for this purpose in this current place and time.  I believe that all of my past experiences and past situations where I have faced my fears will help me accomplish what I have to do.  

I know that God will give me the strength I need to do this big, scary thing.  I've been really trying to focus on God and how big He is.  I've been trying to turn my eyes from this big, scary thing looming in front of me to God, and when I have my eyes on Him everything else shrinks out of sight.  Sometimes this calms the panic inside of me and other times, it's still there.  

I feel as though my thoughts are a bit jumbled today and I'm not sure where I want to go from here.  I guess I just want to encourage anyone who's reading this that if there is some big, scary thing looming in front of you to turn your eyes to the One who is greater than you, because when you're not focused on yourself, the fear becomes easier to manage.  I want you to know that you can face your fears and that even if you fail, you didn't really fail, because you still did what scared you and that is victory in itself.  You conquered that fear.  You looked it in the face and kept going.  It did not stop you.  

I want you to know that if you struggle with anxiety and panic and fear over even the most insignificant things there can be victory over that.  You can overcome it.  Some days are harder than others, but keep going and keep pushing through that fear and one day, it may not be there anymore, but even if it is, keep showing up and pushing that fear back.  You don't have to become boxed in by fear letting it steal your joy and letting it keep you down.  

So I leave you with this quote by Nelson Mandela.  

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.  The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."  

And this verse which has brought me comfort today.  

Psalm 16
I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
My body also will rest secure,
Because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
Nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life;
You will fill me with joy in Your Presence,
With eternal pleasures at Your right hand.  

Today I cried...

Today I cried.

It was a hard day and I wasn't feeling well.  I woke up feeling down and one thing happened after another that felt like I was failing in so many ways.

I forgot to put my make-up on and didn't realize until I got to church and looked in the mirror.  I know this sounds like a small thing, and I'm actually ok not wearing make-up but it felt like a another failure at the time.

I forgot Colt's water and snacks and was on my way to church before I realized that I didn't have anything for him to eat or drink.  I felt like such a bad mom.  Again, I know these are small little things and I know forgetting something doesn't make me a bad mom, but still I felt it.  

We were rushed at church and I didn't really get to participate in much of it or hear anything.  I kind of wondered what I was doing there.  Maybe it would have been better if I had stayed home.  At least then I could cry by myself in my bed.  

As we left church, I realized I forgot the pumpkin loaf I had made for church that didn't get eaten and that it was just going to sit at church and go bad.  I made that yesterday and felt exhausted after...what was the point if I was going to forget about it, it wouldn't get eaten, and it would go bad?  

I know these are all small, insignificant details about my day and things could have been so much worse, but I just wanted to crawl into bed and cry.  Sometimes being a mom is hard, sometimes having anxiety and mood disorders is hard, sometimes life in all it's joy and beauty and mundane and every day struggles is hard.

And so I just wanted to share and say that now, three days later writing this, I feel better.  Life isn't perfect, even if it looks like it is from the outside, and we all have our down days where we feel like everything is going wrong and all we want to do is cry.  And that's ok.  Because maybe three days later, you will feel a little bit better.  I remembered to put on my make-up today, and so far this morning, I have remembered to feed my child.  Today is a win.  But it's only 9:30AM so we will see.  Maybe I'll be crying again later today:)  

If today is a hard day for you, I'm sending my love <3 because I've been there and I will be again.  You got this!

Healthy Boundaries and Comparison

Last week was a bit of a busy one for me and I felt the after effects of it for days.  It took me almost another whole week to recover.  The frustrating thing about this was that everything I did during my busy week was stuff I wanted to do and I enjoyed doing, but I guess it was too much for me.

I get so annoyed when this happens because not only am I struggling afterwards, but I compare myself to the many people around me who seem to be able to handle life better than me.  I look at friends who seem to be working full-time, being social, volunteering, etc. and I wonder why I can't handle what they can.  I'm not even working very much right now and I still get exhausted so easily!

When I start to feel this way, I find my joy and contentment with my life get snatched away.  It's so easy to look at everyone around me and wonder why I'm not like them, can't handle what they can, or don't have what they have.  I can be perfectly happy with my life until I look at everyone around me.  Then I start comparing and before I know it, I'm miserable and depressed.

My current mental health doesn't always allow me to do what a lot of other people can do, and I'm trying to accept that.  Most of the time I can accept this, but there are definitely times when I get upset with myself for not being able to handle seemingly simple things that it seems everyone around me handles effortlessly.

However, I have met and talked with many people who feel the same way as I do and I think I am slowly learning to accept who I am, struggles and all.  It's ok to have boundaries and only do what I am able to do in a day, week, or month.  If I push myself, it will be me who suffers, not the people I am comparing myself to.  I know I feel better when I listen to my body and set limits for work hours, social hours, productive hours, and so on.

So this post is to encourage those of you who struggle with comparison like me.  You are not alone.  It is healthy to set boundaries and to care for yourself.  Don't compare yourself to those around you because you are not them.  And remember that you only see a fraction of peoples' lives and while many people appear to have it all together, many of us are barely holding it together some days.  So let's be an encouragement to those around us because you never know who is having a tough day.  <3

When Life is Good, but You Still Ache for More

I’ve been experiencing the strangest thing lately.  I would say that I am very content with life right now and I really wouldn’t change a thing.  That’s not to say life is perfect.  I still worry about finances and am more than exhausted most days.  I’ve been sick so much this year and am finding the balance in being a new mom who still wants to be her own person.  But all that to say, I’m so happy with this life and feel quite fulfilled.  

However, with this happiness comes an ache.  An ache that starts as a little nagging in my heart and mind and then, if I let it, becomes an overwhelming sadness and fear that all of this can be taken away at any moment.  Being a mom now, I have a little life to take care of and one that I love so deeply.  The thought of anything happening to him, causing him to suffer is almost more than I can bear.  I realize that in the moments of pure family joy and the realization that life can’t get much better than this, I’m shaken with the fear that I live in an imperfect and scary world where death, destruction and pain run rampant.  

I think it is in these moments of happiness and joy that I have a glimpse of what I was created for.  I get a brief flicker of what life was supposed to be like.  What my life will be like again when Christ comes back and makes all things new.  

I know that no matter what happens here on earth, I am not alone and that even though this fear is paralyzing at times, there is One who is in control and who will work all things out for my good and His glory.  I have to focus on this truth, and most of the time, I can distract myself and I can move on, but that terrible fear and ache for something more remains in the back of my mind.  

I guess that ache is just to remind me not to get too comfortable here.  It is to remind me not to make idols out of the good gifts that I have been given.  It is to remind me that this earth is not my home and that I’m homesick for something more.  And when I am there, I will never feel this fear or ache or longing again.  

And so I cling to that promise and future, and I pray that I will be able to get through the pain and loss and suffering on the journey there.  

I’m so thankful that I am not alone in the journey and that I have Someone who is walking right beside me, guiding me home and even carrying me when I don’t have the strength to walk on my own.  

Because I can’t do this on my own and I don’t want to.  

"Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; 

when I fall, I shall rise;

when I sit in darkness, 

the Lord will be a light to me."

Micah 7:8

Find Your Safe People

I can’t do this on my own.  Life is too hard and messy and there is too much pain and hurt to suffer alone.  I can’t imagine what my life would be like if there weren’t people who were walking alongside me, praying for me and offering hope and encouragement when I need it.  When I can’t see the light, it helps to have others who can point me towards it.  

My hope for anyone reading this is that you have those people too.  People who are safe and who you can share your heart with.  People who you don’t have to pretend to be okay around.  People you can share your anger, hurt, frustrations, hopes and joys with.  We weren’t meant to walk through this life alone.  Community is so important and so needed.  

Not everyone is safe to open up to and not everyone can walk alongside you especially when life gets hard.  It’s hard to spend time with a hurting person.  It can drain you and make you feel uncomfortable, but it is so important and so needed.  And it is also rewarding too.  Maybe not right away, and maybe not ever visibly, but you can know that it was eternally noticed.  And hopefully after you have been that person for someone when they need it, maybe they will be that person for you when you need them.  

And if you are currently that safe person for someone and it’s tiring you out, I just want to encourage you that what you are being for that person is so important and so loving.  So keep it up, friend.  You are needed.  

And if you are that person that doesn’t have anyone safe in their life, be praying that God would provide that for you.  It is so vital.  Also be praying that you can be this person to others too, and maybe by doing that God will open up doors for you to serve and be served by others.  

And if you need someone to talk to, I am here for you and praying for you right now. <3

Grace for the Afflicted

I read a book by this title a few years ago and I loved it-both the book and the title.  This particular book is about mental health but I think we are all afflicted in some way whether that be physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.  I’m so thankful for the grace that gets me through those days when I don’t have my own strength to make it.  Those days when I’m so exhausted and can’t bear the thought of getting out of bed.  The days when I feel so anxious and stressed, I can’t imagine another day of dealing with what is going on in my head.  The days when I feel so defeated and depressed and I can’t imagine living another day without the joy and hope I’ve lost.  

On those days, I cry out to God for the grace that I need to get me through the day.  I know that even though I don’t have the capacity to make it through this day on my own, He has abundant energy, joy and grace to shower upon me, and with His help I can make it through this seemingly impossible day.  

Today is a bit like one of those days, but it’s not as bad as some I’ve had.  However, I know there are sweet friends of mine who are living these days often lately and so today I’m writing for them.  I’m praying the grace you need today will fill you up and help you get through this day.  I’m praying that the God of all you need meets you and helps you to not only make it through your day, but also gives you some joy in the midst of this tough day.  

He sees your struggles and He knows this day is hard.  Give it to Him and rest in His Presence knowing that it is only Him who can sustain you.  I’m thankful for that promise and pray you can cling to it too.  You are loved!

A sweet friend gave me this verse today and I’m sharing it with you. “The one who calls you is faithful, and He will do it.” 1 Thessalonians 5:24