When the Night Comes...

Ever since Colt was born, I've had a really hard time as night approaches.  I don't know what exactly it is, but something about the darkness closing in on me really stirs up my anxiety and depression.  I think it started when we were up all night with Colt and I just dreaded the long night knowing that I wouldn't get sleep.  However, now Colt sleeps through the night and I'm sleeping pretty well, and yet I still really struggle as night approaches.  It's like all my worst fears start playing in my head and everything looks so much scarier and hopeless.  

I don't know why this happens and I don't know how long it will last, but something that I have found really helpful is just knowing that when the morning comes, my fears and worries will seem less scary.  With the morning light, the big, looming things in my life that seemed so hopeless seem to fade away or at least fade in their significance.  I am thankful that I don't feel this fear and anxiety all day, and that there is hope and relief from the anxiety and fear that grip me at night.  

It helps me to know that joy and hope come in the morning, and so I cling to that each night if I am lying awake feeling hopeless and scared.  I know I am not alone in those moments and I cling to God and the promise that He is there and He knows my fears.  He will not let me face them alone and when the morning light comes, they often fade away and I have the strength to face the day.  Often, the big, scary things that seem so hopeless at night are things that never come to pass, or are things that I had worked up in my head that end up being fine when they actually do occur.  

I don't really know why I'm writing about this honestly.  I'm not sure if other people have this same struggle and fear the night, but if you do, I hope you can see the light in the morning.  I hope that your fears and your anxieties lessen with the day and that the fear of the night doesn't hold you in its grip.  If you do have this same struggle, you're not alone and I know how you feel!  I look forward to the day when there is no more night or at least no more darkness to fear <3

"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light.  I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night." -Sarah Williams

When God doesn't take the anxiety away...

I thought this would be a good post for today because this is something that has been so very true of my life.  Anxiety and depression have been a part of my life for a long time now, and so far God has not cured me of them or taken them away.  This has been something I've struggled with often, but overall I'm thankful for who these struggles have made me and how I've grown through them.  

One of the first things you often get asked by other Christians who have no experience with mental illness is if you have prayed about your anxiety.  It can also be framed in a way that makes you feel that if you only trusted God more, prayed more, read your Bible more, then your anxiety and depression should go away.  

Once again, this has not been my experience and it is one of my greatest frustrations with people who are just trying to help.  

But it doesn't help.  

In fact, it can be one of the most discouraging things someone struggling with mental illness can hear.  If I told you, my leg was broken, would you tell me to pray about it?  Would you ask me if I'm trusting God enough because if I was, then maybe my broken leg would be fixed?  Rarely does it work like that.  People with mental illness often have chemical imbalances and something in their mind/brain might not work like it is supposed to.  They often need medication to help them in this struggle.  Maybe the medication is just used for a time, but it can be a very real need.  (I do believe counselling is also a part of healing).  

My personal experience with anxiety and depression is that it has not been taken away.  However, amidst the pain and struggles, God has been present every step of the way.  He has given me wise counsellors, doctors and psychiatrists who have helped me in many ways.  He has given me friends and family to support me when I struggle.  He has given me medication that without, I would probably not be here today.  He has never left me alone, and He is the main reason I keep pressing on and fighting this battle.

He has not chosen to take away my illness.  Yes, I do pray about my anxiety.  Honestly, I probably pray about it more than anyone would realize because it's such a huge struggle.  Just recently I wrote about a really big challenge I faced.  I prayed so often about this big thing because it was impacting my life greatly.  I suffered many symptoms of the anxiety including nausea, loss of appetite, headaches, daily anxiety, upset stomach, loss of sleep, etc.  God did not take those away during this time even though I prayed constantly about it!  But He was there every step of the way, and He did give me daily grace to handle what I had to do.  I wish I had felt an overwhelming sense of peace when I prayed, and I wish my anxiety and symptoms just disappeared.  But that wasn't my experience, and it isn't the experience of so many people who struggle with their mental health.  

So, no, God has not chosen to take away my anxiety.  Oh, how I wish He would!  But at the same time, the way it makes me rely on Him so often and so much makes me thankful for it in a way.  Although that is really hard to say when I'm suffering so much physically from it.  So take heart those who struggle because you are not alone!  Many of us struggle and our faith is strong!  Sometimes there are sin issues we may need to deal with that are a cause of our anxiety, but for many people, mental illness is an affliction we will deal with for the rest of our lives.  So please lean on the One who knows your struggles and who walks through the valley with you.  He is there.  He may choose not to take away your pain and your illness, but He knows what is best for you and He is using it to mold you into someone more like Him.  

And for those of you who don't struggle or understand mental illness.  Please don't ask us if we have prayed about our struggles as though this is something that has never occurred to us.  Please don't tell us we don't have enough faith.  Encourage us in this battle.  Ask us how you can pray for us and what time of the day is hardest for us, so you can be praying at that time.  Share with us a Scripture that has encouraged you in hard times.  Ask us what practical things you can do to make our loads lighter.  Let us know you are there and you love us.  The last thing we need is more guilt, and I really don't think that is what God wants from our anxiety.  

You got this, friends.  Keep waking up each day and pressing on.  The world is so much better with you in it <3

Courage is not the Absence of Fear...

I've been thinking a lot about courage lately and facing my fears.  I have something coming up in my life that I have been fearing for a long time and it is finally approaching.  Daily, I teeter between being absolutely terrified and wanting to run away, and then finding my resolve and feeling confident that I can do this.  It doesn't really matter what my fear is.  We all have fears and some fears may not be understood by others, but if it is something that you fear, it is a real fear for you.  

I guess I'm hoping that by writing this, I have something on the record that I can look back on when this is all over and remember how I was feeling.  I want to remember how scared I am and what it feels like to have this fear looming over me.  I want to look back and hopefully be proud of myself for what I have accomplished.  I pray that my situation turns out well, but even if it doesn't, I know that I did the right thing by showing up and doing what I said I would do even when I was scared out of my mind.  

I believe I am meant to do what I am scared of.  That I have been called and equipped for this purpose in this current place and time.  I believe that all of my past experiences and past situations where I have faced my fears will help me accomplish what I have to do.  

I know that God will give me the strength I need to do this big, scary thing.  I've been really trying to focus on God and how big He is.  I've been trying to turn my eyes from this big, scary thing looming in front of me to God, and when I have my eyes on Him everything else shrinks out of sight.  Sometimes this calms the panic inside of me and other times, it's still there.  

I feel as though my thoughts are a bit jumbled today and I'm not sure where I want to go from here.  I guess I just want to encourage anyone who's reading this that if there is some big, scary thing looming in front of you to turn your eyes to the One who is greater than you, because when you're not focused on yourself, the fear becomes easier to manage.  I want you to know that you can face your fears and that even if you fail, you didn't really fail, because you still did what scared you and that is victory in itself.  You conquered that fear.  You looked it in the face and kept going.  It did not stop you.  

I want you to know that if you struggle with anxiety and panic and fear over even the most insignificant things there can be victory over that.  You can overcome it.  Some days are harder than others, but keep going and keep pushing through that fear and one day, it may not be there anymore, but even if it is, keep showing up and pushing that fear back.  You don't have to become boxed in by fear letting it steal your joy and letting it keep you down.  

So I leave you with this quote by Nelson Mandela.  

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.  The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."  

And this verse which has brought me comfort today.  

Psalm 16
I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
My body also will rest secure,
Because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
Nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life;
You will fill me with joy in Your Presence,
With eternal pleasures at Your right hand.  

Today I cried...

Today I cried.

It was a hard day and I wasn't feeling well.  I woke up feeling down and one thing happened after another that felt like I was failing in so many ways.

I forgot to put my make-up on and didn't realize until I got to church and looked in the mirror.  I know this sounds like a small thing, and I'm actually ok not wearing make-up but it felt like a another failure at the time.

I forgot Colt's water and snacks and was on my way to church before I realized that I didn't have anything for him to eat or drink.  I felt like such a bad mom.  Again, I know these are small little things and I know forgetting something doesn't make me a bad mom, but still I felt it.  

We were rushed at church and I didn't really get to participate in much of it or hear anything.  I kind of wondered what I was doing there.  Maybe it would have been better if I had stayed home.  At least then I could cry by myself in my bed.  

As we left church, I realized I forgot the pumpkin loaf I had made for church that didn't get eaten and that it was just going to sit at church and go bad.  I made that yesterday and felt exhausted after...what was the point if I was going to forget about it, it wouldn't get eaten, and it would go bad?  

I know these are all small, insignificant details about my day and things could have been so much worse, but I just wanted to crawl into bed and cry.  Sometimes being a mom is hard, sometimes having anxiety and mood disorders is hard, sometimes life in all it's joy and beauty and mundane and every day struggles is hard.

And so I just wanted to share and say that now, three days later writing this, I feel better.  Life isn't perfect, even if it looks like it is from the outside, and we all have our down days where we feel like everything is going wrong and all we want to do is cry.  And that's ok.  Because maybe three days later, you will feel a little bit better.  I remembered to put on my make-up today, and so far this morning, I have remembered to feed my child.  Today is a win.  But it's only 9:30AM so we will see.  Maybe I'll be crying again later today:)  

If today is a hard day for you, I'm sending my love <3 because I've been there and I will be again.  You got this!

Healthy Boundaries and Comparison

Last week was a bit of a busy one for me and I felt the after effects of it for days.  It took me almost another whole week to recover.  The frustrating thing about this was that everything I did during my busy week was stuff I wanted to do and I enjoyed doing, but I guess it was too much for me.

I get so annoyed when this happens because not only am I struggling afterwards, but I compare myself to the many people around me who seem to be able to handle life better than me.  I look at friends who seem to be working full-time, being social, volunteering, etc. and I wonder why I can't handle what they can.  I'm not even working very much right now and I still get exhausted so easily!

When I start to feel this way, I find my joy and contentment with my life get snatched away.  It's so easy to look at everyone around me and wonder why I'm not like them, can't handle what they can, or don't have what they have.  I can be perfectly happy with my life until I look at everyone around me.  Then I start comparing and before I know it, I'm miserable and depressed.

My current mental health doesn't always allow me to do what a lot of other people can do, and I'm trying to accept that.  Most of the time I can accept this, but there are definitely times when I get upset with myself for not being able to handle seemingly simple things that it seems everyone around me handles effortlessly.

However, I have met and talked with many people who feel the same way as I do and I think I am slowly learning to accept who I am, struggles and all.  It's ok to have boundaries and only do what I am able to do in a day, week, or month.  If I push myself, it will be me who suffers, not the people I am comparing myself to.  I know I feel better when I listen to my body and set limits for work hours, social hours, productive hours, and so on.

So this post is to encourage those of you who struggle with comparison like me.  You are not alone.  It is healthy to set boundaries and to care for yourself.  Don't compare yourself to those around you because you are not them.  And remember that you only see a fraction of peoples' lives and while many people appear to have it all together, many of us are barely holding it together some days.  So let's be an encouragement to those around us because you never know who is having a tough day.  <3

When Life is Good, but You Still Ache for More

I’ve been experiencing the strangest thing lately.  I would say that I am very content with life right now and I really wouldn’t change a thing.  That’s not to say life is perfect.  I still worry about finances and am more than exhausted most days.  I’ve been sick so much this year and am finding the balance in being a new mom who still wants to be her own person.  But all that to say, I’m so happy with this life and feel quite fulfilled.  

However, with this happiness comes an ache.  An ache that starts as a little nagging in my heart and mind and then, if I let it, becomes an overwhelming sadness and fear that all of this can be taken away at any moment.  Being a mom now, I have a little life to take care of and one that I love so deeply.  The thought of anything happening to him, causing him to suffer is almost more than I can bear.  I realize that in the moments of pure family joy and the realization that life can’t get much better than this, I’m shaken with the fear that I live in an imperfect and scary world where death, destruction and pain run rampant.  

I think it is in these moments of happiness and joy that I have a glimpse of what I was created for.  I get a brief flicker of what life was supposed to be like.  What my life will be like again when Christ comes back and makes all things new.  

I know that no matter what happens here on earth, I am not alone and that even though this fear is paralyzing at times, there is One who is in control and who will work all things out for my good and His glory.  I have to focus on this truth, and most of the time, I can distract myself and I can move on, but that terrible fear and ache for something more remains in the back of my mind.  

I guess that ache is just to remind me not to get too comfortable here.  It is to remind me not to make idols out of the good gifts that I have been given.  It is to remind me that this earth is not my home and that I’m homesick for something more.  And when I am there, I will never feel this fear or ache or longing again.  

And so I cling to that promise and future, and I pray that I will be able to get through the pain and loss and suffering on the journey there.  

I’m so thankful that I am not alone in the journey and that I have Someone who is walking right beside me, guiding me home and even carrying me when I don’t have the strength to walk on my own.  

Because I can’t do this on my own and I don’t want to.  

"Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; 

when I fall, I shall rise;

when I sit in darkness, 

the Lord will be a light to me."

Micah 7:8

Find Your Safe People

I can’t do this on my own.  Life is too hard and messy and there is too much pain and hurt to suffer alone.  I can’t imagine what my life would be like if there weren’t people who were walking alongside me, praying for me and offering hope and encouragement when I need it.  When I can’t see the light, it helps to have others who can point me towards it.  

My hope for anyone reading this is that you have those people too.  People who are safe and who you can share your heart with.  People who you don’t have to pretend to be okay around.  People you can share your anger, hurt, frustrations, hopes and joys with.  We weren’t meant to walk through this life alone.  Community is so important and so needed.  

Not everyone is safe to open up to and not everyone can walk alongside you especially when life gets hard.  It’s hard to spend time with a hurting person.  It can drain you and make you feel uncomfortable, but it is so important and so needed.  And it is also rewarding too.  Maybe not right away, and maybe not ever visibly, but you can know that it was eternally noticed.  And hopefully after you have been that person for someone when they need it, maybe they will be that person for you when you need them.  

And if you are currently that safe person for someone and it’s tiring you out, I just want to encourage you that what you are being for that person is so important and so loving.  So keep it up, friend.  You are needed.  

And if you are that person that doesn’t have anyone safe in their life, be praying that God would provide that for you.  It is so vital.  Also be praying that you can be this person to others too, and maybe by doing that God will open up doors for you to serve and be served by others.  

And if you need someone to talk to, I am here for you and praying for you right now. <3