When the Darkness Doesn't Lift

It feels strange writing about this topic when the last post I wrote was about thriving.  I guess that can be the way mental illness goes.  One day you feel really great and you feel like all is going well and then the next day, it can completely switch and you feel like you’re drowning, desperately trying to keep your head above the water, just trying to make it through each day.  When I feel like this, I often get discouraged and wonder why my life has to be this way.  So up and down, not steady.  Whether you have mental illness or not, life is full of ups and downs.  So how do we cope?  For me, having the hope that I am not alone is so comforting.  I belong to a God who cares about each up and down and who will never leave me.  I also have family and friends who consistently lift me up in prayer and support me with words and acts of love. 

I think for me remembering that this will not last forever is comforting.  This too shall pass.  I may feel down and anxious and sad, but this feeling does ebb and flow.  Often with anxiety and depression, your mood goes up and down, but you do have good days along with the bad.  I cling to those good days and try to remember them when I am in the haze of a dark day.  

I think I wrote about it in an earlier post, but I also try to remember that just because I may not feel happy today doesn’t mean that I don’t have deep, lasting joy.  Joy is different, because it is not a feeling.  It doesn’t come and go.  The joy of the Lord is my strength and that will never change no matter what I am going through.  I think sometimes it can seem like we are faking it if we focus on the positive and we are trying to rejoice in all circumstances.  I read this verse this week and it brought me to tears because as hard as it is, it is so true.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”  This is a command and is often not easy to do, especially when your life may be falling apart around you.  However, I have found that when I cultivate an attitude of gratitude and focus on what I have to be thankful for and bring all my struggles and concerns to God, He meets me where I am at.  He truly does care that I am not doing well.  He really does care that my heart is broken, but He lifts my head and helps me see all that He has done for me and all that He is doing through this broken situation even right here and now.  There is a purpose for this pain.  There is a reason.  He knows and He is working.  I can rejoice in all circumstances.  Not on my own, but by continually coming to Him in prayer and asking Him to help me see it the way He sees it.  There will be an end to this pain.  Hopefully here on earth as it comes and goes, but ultimately in the future when I am with Him for eternity.  I must keep my eyes focused on that.  This is truth that keeps me going.  This is truth that gives me joy even when I am not happy.  This gives me hope when I am fighting each day just to survive.  And I hope that I will thrive again, but when I am just surviving, it also keeps me clinging to the One who gets me through each day.  I can never do this on my own strength, but through the One who made me and gives me breath each day.  So each day, I’ll get up and be thankful for another day, as dark as it is.  And on these days, I will hope that maybe tomorrow will be brighter.  And I’ll cling to the hope that one day there will be no more tears or suffering for me.  This is what gets me through when the darkness won’t lift.  

This is a song I have been listening to often lately.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jv8IqJm6q7w

Don't Just Survive, Thrive!

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.  The idea that we aren’t meant to just survive life, but thrive in life.  This doesn’t mean that we don’t go through periods in our life where we are just surviving.  I know that phase well.  However, I believe we can have joy and peace and hope here on earth and I believe God has given us so many blessings and resources to help us do this.  I do think this idea is very dependent on our outlook on life and how we view the adversity and pain that will inevitably come into our lives.  

This season of my life has been extremely painful.  Struggles with mental and physical health, job loss and financial insecurity, being in situations where I have had to forgive and love people who have treated my family and myself unfairly, watching people I love suffer and die, and then just being exposed to so many other people’s pain and struggles.  This year has been a hard one.  There have been periods during this time that I am just struggling to survive each day.  However, I want to also see God’s sovereignty and purpose in this pain.  I want to rejoice in all circumstances and realize that whatever happens in my life is for God’s glory and my good.  These struggles and losses can make me stronger and more joyful.  They can make me more loving and more hopeful.  And I see that.  Not in my own strength, but in the strength that God has given me in my weakness.  

One aspect of this for me and my mental and physical health has been in the provision of medication in the form of an antipsychotic.  This has been somewhat of a struggle for me to accept over the years, but I really do see this medication as a gift from God.  I know what this summer was like for me off of the right medication, and I see how well I am doing now.  I am thriving.  This did not come easily and took time for me to figure out the right medication and dosage and have my body get used to it.  But knowing what I know now, I am so thankful I was given this medication.  

I talk to a lot of people about this and I hear them as they struggle with the idea of taking medication.  So many people are suffering with mental health issues and there is still this stigma that we don’t want to take medication.  I DO not agree with just taking medication and it being a quick fix and that being the only aspect that we address about our health.  I firmly believe we also need to be doing counselling and educating ourselves on our unhealthy and distorted thinking patterns.  We may have sin issues to address or physical areas that need work- eating healthier, exercise, regular sleep patterns.  We are holistic people and we need to address ALL areas of our health.  Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual- these are all important.  If you have a chemical imbalance in your brain, you WILL NOT get better just by counselling.  God can heal us and He may choose to do that with some people, but that may also not happen.  If you had a thyroid issue or diabetes, would you refuse to take medication because you can go to counselling and somehow your blood sugar and thyroid levels will change?  I don’t think so.  

These are just my words of encouragement to those of you struggling through this issue.  Especially to Christians who feel that somehow they are not trusting God enough or praying enough.  Yes, you probably do need to do that more, we all do!  But maybe trusting God would be using what He has provided you with in the forms of our free healthcare system, our doctors and psychiatrists, and all the medications we have access to.  It is definitely hard to accept that we need to take a medication to make us feel normal or well.  I have struggled through this too.  But I firmly believe that God has given me this medication to help me thrive!  I have seen how I am off of it and He used that to grow me too.  But on this medication, I feel more like myself, I have more energy, I can give more of myself to others and am able to serve in ways I could not when I was just surviving.  

So we can still experience God’s joy and strength and peace in the midst of our struggles.  And He does want us to thrive!  That is His desire for us and that is not to say all of life is easy and happy and fun.  But He does always provide for us and give us what we need to make it through in His strength.  

Let me encourage you, if this is something you are struggling through, take heart, because I know the feeling.  And I’m not saying medication will heal you and make all your problems go away.  I have done some intense group therapy and counselling and spent a lot of time before God in prayer and examining myself, but I do need medication and that is not something that at this point will ever change.  I can hope and pray for healing, but at this time, this medication is my healing.  

So if you have any questions or want to talk to me about it, please ask away!  I want everyone to THRIVE and not just SURVIVE.  And it may not be medication that you need, maybe it is counselling or dealing with something in your life.  But if it is medication that you think you may need, please don’t be afraid to try it or think you are any less of a person or Christian because of it.  And be patient because all healing takes time.  Whether it be counselling or group therapy or medication, it all takes time to work.  But God is there throughout it all, and I believe He is working for our good.  Please use what He has given you.  

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”  Romans 8:28

The Reason for My Hope

“And when I cannot stand, I’ll fall on you.

  Jesus, You’re my hope and stay”

       As I was thinking about what to write about for this post, I was continually struck with the topic of hope and where I find mine.  I know in my own journey, I would not be where I am today without my faith and personal relationship with Christ.  I think we all have ways of coping with what we are going through and we all put our hope in something.  I wanted to write this post to share what I put my hope in and what I believe is the only answer to our struggles in this world.  Not everyone may agree with me and that is okay.  We all have our choice in what we choose to hope in.  I cannot force anyone to agree with me and I don’t want to!  I just want to share what has given me hope and what is the one thing that has given my life meaning.  

My relationship with Christ is what gives me hope.  Without Christ and what He has done for me, I would have no reason to keep living, or to keep living well.  I have been in the depths of depression and I know what that is like.  I have been overwhelmed with anxiety and didn’t think I could wake up and face another day.  It was because Christ held on to me and kept me going that I was able to find His strength to carry on.  Everything I am, He has made.  Sometimes I catch myself thinking I’m a pretty good person, and He must be pretty thankful He’s got me on His team.  Then I’m overwhelmed with the realization that I have done nothing to deserve His love and grace.  All the good in me and everything I have ever done is because of Him and through His strength.  I don’t deserve anything in this life, but, God, in His grace and mercy, has given me so much.  It is because of Him that I can wake up each day and experience life.  It is because of Him that I have a home and food to eat and family and friends to share it with.  It is because of Him that I have medication to help me function and cope daily.

It breaks my heart to hear people talk about their struggles in life.  Their anxiety and depression, their physical health deteriorating, their broken relationships, the pain of death and separation from those we love.  There is so much pain and suffering in this world and how do we reconcile it?  How do we get up and live each day without losing all hope?  How do we offer hope and healing to these hurting people?  My only answer is Christ.  I have seen Christ heal and give strength.  I have seen Him restore broken relationships.  I have seen Him work in my own life in so many ways.  He is the reason I can wake up each day and be thankful for what I have in my life and not focus on what I don’t have.  He is the reason I have hope and know that no matter what, He is there, He is in control, and He is working all things out for my good and His glory.  He is the reason I can love and forgive even when someone has wronged me and acted unjustly.  He is the reason I do not fear tomorrow, because I know He will always provide.  I know that no matter what happens, I do not need to worry because He is my strength and my hope.  If the worst happens, He is still there and He will give me the strength to get through it.  All this to say, I still struggle with fear and anxiety, but Christ gives me the strength to keep going and not to let my worries overwhelm me.    

This summer has probably been one of the worst times of my life, and yet, He has given me such strength and joy amidst the pain. He has carried me through and I know He will never let go.  Through job loss, financial insecurity, the pain of watching someone I love suffer and die, my own physical and mental sickness, and family struggles, God has been there and held me close.  He provided in every way needed and I truly believe I am stronger and more loving than I was six months ago.  Could I have done this without Him?  I don’t think so, but even if somehow I managed to make it through all of that on my own, I would have come out bitter, angry and cynical, not more loving, thankful and joyful.    

So what do I put my hope in?  I put my hope in Christ alone, who has died for me, the worst of all sinners.  Not by anything I have done to earn this, but by His grace alone.  So I encourage you, if you do not have a hope like this, consider it.  It is truth.  I’m always happy to talk about my faith and my struggles so please ask away!  I am broken, and I believe that sharing in one another’s brokenness and pointing one another to truth is what can help us heal.  I’m praying for you!   

I’ve listened to this song almost daily lately.  

Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuvfMDhTyMA

We need vulnerability

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” -Timothy Keller

There is something so comforting about being heard and understood.  Something so healing about hearing someone say they know exactly how you are feeling and being right there in the midst of all your brokenness with you.  We are all broken, and those who don’t admit it are just better at hiding it.  

As I’ve been dealing with many painful life situations this summer, I would say that what has kept me sane, besides my faith and my relationship with God, has been those around me who have listened to me vent and express my anger, those who have cried with me as I cried, and those who have accepted me unconditionally when I didn’t have anything together.  These people have come alongside me and been my comfort and I believe that is so crucial in life and especially essential for Christians.  We need people to ask us how we are and really listen for the response.  We need to be open when asked how we are, to be free to respond with, “I’m not okay and I’m really struggling right now.”  This is vulnerability, this is honesty, and this is healing.

I know how much this has meant to me, and I want this to be how others feel around me.  To know that they can be completely honest with me.  To express how much life hurts sometimes and to admit that they are a mess.  I want them to know that I’m a mess too, but it’s ok.  We are all broken, but that does not mean we are defeated.  In Christ, we have victory and He will give us the strength to make it through what life throws at us.  However, in the messiness of life, we need each other to lean on, to cry with, to process life together and to be honest about how we feel and what we need.  My hope is that we can be this way for each other.  Because when we open up and are honest with one another that is healing.  For ourselves and for others.  

In the last week, I’ve talked to several dear friends who are struggling with painful life issues like eating disorders, depression and anxiety, poor health, struggles in their marriage, job loss, etc.  Life is painful and we are all broken and struggling.  If things are going well now, its only a matter of time before something falls apart.  This is the world we live in.  But take heart!  God has overcome the world, and He has given us the power to as well.  And I pray He enables us to be Christ to the broken, to be courageous and speak the truth, and to love deeper than we ever thought possible.  We are all broken and we need one another desperately.  So find someone safe to be vulnerable  with, and make sure that you are that safe person for others too.  This is my prayer for you all!    

I was listening to this song the other day and it was just perfect to include in this blog!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdmgpMfnjdU

The Servant Song

Will you let me be your servant

Let me be as Christ to you

Pray that I might have the grace

To let me be your servant too

We are pilgrims on the journey

We are brothers on the road

We are here to help each other

Walk the mile and bear the load

I will hold the Christ light for you

In the night time of your fear

I will hold my hand out to you

Speak the the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping

When you laugh, I'll laugh with you

I will share your joy and sorrow

Till we've seen this journey through.

When we sing to God in heaven

We shall find such harmony

Born to all we've known together

Of Christ's love and agony

Finding Peace Amidst the Chaos

This summer has been one of the most challenging and heart-wrenching times of my life.  There have been so many things that have happened all in a short amount of time and all big enough to deal with on their own, let alone all of it happening together.  Despite all of this, I can say that I have found peace throughout it all.  It has not been painless, quite the opposite, and most of it has not made sense to me, but God and I have had lots of time to talk it over, and despite me not understanding what is happening, I trust Him in it all.  

There have been moments I’ve felt like everything is in chaos.  My health, my family, my work life, my home…and yet in those moments, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace.  Peace that I can’t explain.  Peace that just flowed from a Divine source, assuring me He was still there.  Life is still good, He is still good.  

Sometimes I would start to feel proud, thinking hey I’m still going, I must be pretty strong, and then I would realize, the only way I’m making it through all of this is because there is one who is stronger and wiser and greater than me, sustaining me in His strength.  I really could not do this on my own.  Most days I didn’t know how I would get through the day, how I could handle anymore.  I just wanted to let go of life here on earth and be with Christ, whole and healthy and free from all this suffering and pain.  Honestly, sometimes life just sucks…and you know what?  In a way, that’s ok with me.  It makes me long for something more.  It makes me long for my future in Heaven, and it makes me look ahead to that day when all will be made new on earth and there will be no more suffering or pain or death or hurt.  

That being said, getting through the sucky times here on earth is excruciating, but that is why I am so glad there is hope.  I am so glad that there can be peace amidst the chaos.  I am so thankful to know that in my darkest moments, God is good and He is there and He is giving me just what I need to make it through those moments.  He will give you that too.  Cry out to Him, He will save you.  

Isaiah 35:4

“Say to those with fearful hearts, ’Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, He will come with vengeance; with divine retribution. He will come to save you’.”

This song came to mind as I was writing this- “He Will Come and Save You” by Bob Fitts

Say to those who are fearful hearted

Do not be afraid

The Lord your God will come

And with His mighty arm

When you call on His Name

He will come and save you

Chorus:

He will come and save you

He will come and save you

Say to the weary one

Your God will surely come

He will come and save you

He will come and save you

Lift up your eyes to Him

You will arise again

He will come and save you

Say those who are broken hearted

Do not lose your faith

The Lord your God will come

And with His loving hand

When you call on His Name

He will come and save you

Bridge:

He is our refuge in the day of trouble

He is our shelter in the time of storm

He is our tower in the day of sorrow

Our fortress in the time of war

We are not meant to suffer alone

As I’m walking my through my own journey of suffering, one of poor health and many unknowns, I am also watching others walk through their journeys of suffering and pain.  One thing that won’t leave my mind is that we were not meant to suffer alone.  As painful as it is to suffer, it is just unbearable to do it alone.  And as painful as it is to watch someone we love suffer, it is so essential that we come alongside them and enter into their suffering with them.  It is such a beautiful thing to enter into someone else’s suffering and be present with them through their pain.  To hold someone’s hand as they are dying a slow and painful death, to hug them and not be able to offer anything but your presence and your tears.  To comfort with your presence means more than we will ever know.  Everything in me wants to run the opposite direction when I see pain and suffering and unbearable hurt.  I don’t know what to say, I don’t want them to see me cry.  I don’t know what to do.  It is so uncomfortable.  And yet, I think it is the most beautiful and precious thing to sit by their side and though I may not know what to say or do, I can be present and show my love by entering into their suffering and pain.  

I have my own suffering and right now it is almost more than I can bear.  But there are people around me that I love dearly that are suffering more than me.  Sometimes I think I can’t go on another day, I can’t watch this suffering anymore.  And yet, I know that is not for me to decide.  All I can do is choose to show up and be there for that person.  Sure I can pray for them and that means so much, but I also need to put my faith into action and even though it is unbearably painful for me, I need to enter into other’s suffering and suffer with them.  Even when all I can do is sob uncontrollably and my heart breaks beyond what I think I can handle.  

There is so much pain and brokenness in this life and it is hard to watch.  It is even harder when it affects you and those you love.  We are all broken and we are all in need of people to suffer with us when we suffer.  We are not meant to do this alone.  Whether we are suffering physically, mentally, spiritually, whatever we are facing, we are not meant to do it alone.  And no matter what, we are never alone when we have Christ.  He is always there, even when people fail us, which they will.  We always have a hope in Christ.  That is my comfort.  

So please, don’t run the other way when those around you are suffering.  Run to them, comfort them, sit with them, cry with them, enter into their pain.  Because as painful as it is for you, it means more than you know and in the end, you will be glad you were a part of that journey.  Not only for what it teaches you but also for what it gives to them.  Christ is always with us, so let’s embody Christ to those around us, let’s be his hands and feet in this world.   Because I know He would be holding the hand of the dying person you know, He would be sitting with those who are broken and alone and hurting, He would be not be afraid of discomfort if it meant comfort for someone else. He is close to the broken hearted and lonely and suffering.  Let us do the same.    

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

Galatians 6:2

And still, He is good.

I really don’t know what to write today.  I’m trying to think of what I can say to describe my journey over the last two months, but I’m really struggling to know what to say.  I think what I have been trying to focus on over the last year is that God is good no matter what.  No matter what I am going through or what happens to me, God is good.  So as I suffer in this life, everything I go through has to be filtered through that lense.  There is a purpose in my suffering.  It will produce Christlikeness in me if I am seeking that.  

It has been two months since I have stopped my medication and then was put on another one.  The last two months have been pretty awful both physically and emotionally.  I keep hoping I will feel better, but so far, I have stayed the same or it feels like things are getting worse.  I’m starting to get discouraged and am wondering if I will ever feel healthy and well again.  I have no appetite and feel sick most of the time.  I am not sleeping well and that makes functioning well pretty difficult.  I am quite anxious and restless and so, so tired.  I am not functioning at the level I am used to and that is discouraging.  I really feel like I have no strength to go on.

However, in all that, I still believe that God is good.  I do not believe that He is hovering over me watching me disengaged and uninterested in what I am going through.  I know that He is present and I have felt His presence this entire time.  I am so thankful that I have the hope of knowing that this is under His control and that no matter what happens, He’s got this.  He knows how I am feeling and He gives me exactly what I need to make it through each day.  I am constantly amazed by the ways that He ministers to me in the exact way that I need it when I need it.  I know I am lifted up in prayer by so many and these struggles make me run to Him even more in prayer.  I know I am surrounded by so many who care and love me.  I am also very often in prayer for others because I know what it is to suffer and I know how important prayer is.  

I hope that in time, my suffering will end and that my medication issues will be figured out and that I will be healthy again both mentally and physically.  However, if that never happens and I live the rest of my life sick and unwell, I believe that God is still good and that He still cares for me.  He will give me the strength to get through each day and He is using this pain and suffering for a greater purpose.  He is still good.  And He has still given the ultimate and greatest gift in His Son, my Saviour, so I know that this suffering is only temporary.  At the end of my life whenever that is, I will not suffer anymore.  I will be with Him and my mind and my body will be perfectly healthy and joyful.  This is the hope I hold on to.  This is what gives me strength.  He is still good, no matter my situation, He is still good.  

     

This is a song we have started singing in church and I listen to it often right now.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUW3tl4-5h8

“When the night is holding on to me, God is holding on.”