Today I cried...

Today I cried.

It was a hard day and I wasn't feeling well.  I woke up feeling down and one thing happened after another that felt like I was failing in so many ways.

I forgot to put my make-up on and didn't realize until I got to church and looked in the mirror.  I know this sounds like a small thing, and I'm actually ok not wearing make-up but it felt like a another failure at the time.

I forgot Colt's water and snacks and was on my way to church before I realized that I didn't have anything for him to eat or drink.  I felt like such a bad mom.  Again, I know these are small little things and I know forgetting something doesn't make me a bad mom, but still I felt it.  

We were rushed at church and I didn't really get to participate in much of it or hear anything.  I kind of wondered what I was doing there.  Maybe it would have been better if I had stayed home.  At least then I could cry by myself in my bed.  

As we left church, I realized I forgot the pumpkin loaf I had made for church that didn't get eaten and that it was just going to sit at church and go bad.  I made that yesterday and felt exhausted after...what was the point if I was going to forget about it, it wouldn't get eaten, and it would go bad?  

I know these are all small, insignificant details about my day and things could have been so much worse, but I just wanted to crawl into bed and cry.  Sometimes being a mom is hard, sometimes having anxiety and mood disorders is hard, sometimes life in all it's joy and beauty and mundane and every day struggles is hard.

And so I just wanted to share and say that now, three days later writing this, I feel better.  Life isn't perfect, even if it looks like it is from the outside, and we all have our down days where we feel like everything is going wrong and all we want to do is cry.  And that's ok.  Because maybe three days later, you will feel a little bit better.  I remembered to put on my make-up today, and so far this morning, I have remembered to feed my child.  Today is a win.  But it's only 9:30AM so we will see.  Maybe I'll be crying again later today:)  

If today is a hard day for you, I'm sending my love <3 because I've been there and I will be again.  You got this!

Healthy Boundaries and Comparison

Last week was a bit of a busy one for me and I felt the after effects of it for days.  It took me almost another whole week to recover.  The frustrating thing about this was that everything I did during my busy week was stuff I wanted to do and I enjoyed doing, but I guess it was too much for me.

I get so annoyed when this happens because not only am I struggling afterwards, but I compare myself to the many people around me who seem to be able to handle life better than me.  I look at friends who seem to be working full-time, being social, volunteering, etc. and I wonder why I can't handle what they can.  I'm not even working very much right now and I still get exhausted so easily!

When I start to feel this way, I find my joy and contentment with my life get snatched away.  It's so easy to look at everyone around me and wonder why I'm not like them, can't handle what they can, or don't have what they have.  I can be perfectly happy with my life until I look at everyone around me.  Then I start comparing and before I know it, I'm miserable and depressed.

My current mental health doesn't always allow me to do what a lot of other people can do, and I'm trying to accept that.  Most of the time I can accept this, but there are definitely times when I get upset with myself for not being able to handle seemingly simple things that it seems everyone around me handles effortlessly.

However, I have met and talked with many people who feel the same way as I do and I think I am slowly learning to accept who I am, struggles and all.  It's ok to have boundaries and only do what I am able to do in a day, week, or month.  If I push myself, it will be me who suffers, not the people I am comparing myself to.  I know I feel better when I listen to my body and set limits for work hours, social hours, productive hours, and so on.

So this post is to encourage those of you who struggle with comparison like me.  You are not alone.  It is healthy to set boundaries and to care for yourself.  Don't compare yourself to those around you because you are not them.  And remember that you only see a fraction of peoples' lives and while many people appear to have it all together, many of us are barely holding it together some days.  So let's be an encouragement to those around us because you never know who is having a tough day.  <3

When Life is Good, but You Still Ache for More

I’ve been experiencing the strangest thing lately.  I would say that I am very content with life right now and I really wouldn’t change a thing.  That’s not to say life is perfect.  I still worry about finances and am more than exhausted most days.  I’ve been sick so much this year and am finding the balance in being a new mom who still wants to be her own person.  But all that to say, I’m so happy with this life and feel quite fulfilled.  

However, with this happiness comes an ache.  An ache that starts as a little nagging in my heart and mind and then, if I let it, becomes an overwhelming sadness and fear that all of this can be taken away at any moment.  Being a mom now, I have a little life to take care of and one that I love so deeply.  The thought of anything happening to him, causing him to suffer is almost more than I can bear.  I realize that in the moments of pure family joy and the realization that life can’t get much better than this, I’m shaken with the fear that I live in an imperfect and scary world where death, destruction and pain run rampant.  

I think it is in these moments of happiness and joy that I have a glimpse of what I was created for.  I get a brief flicker of what life was supposed to be like.  What my life will be like again when Christ comes back and makes all things new.  

I know that no matter what happens here on earth, I am not alone and that even though this fear is paralyzing at times, there is One who is in control and who will work all things out for my good and His glory.  I have to focus on this truth, and most of the time, I can distract myself and I can move on, but that terrible fear and ache for something more remains in the back of my mind.  

I guess that ache is just to remind me not to get too comfortable here.  It is to remind me not to make idols out of the good gifts that I have been given.  It is to remind me that this earth is not my home and that I’m homesick for something more.  And when I am there, I will never feel this fear or ache or longing again.  

And so I cling to that promise and future, and I pray that I will be able to get through the pain and loss and suffering on the journey there.  

I’m so thankful that I am not alone in the journey and that I have Someone who is walking right beside me, guiding me home and even carrying me when I don’t have the strength to walk on my own.  

Because I can’t do this on my own and I don’t want to.  

"Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; 

when I fall, I shall rise;

when I sit in darkness, 

the Lord will be a light to me."

Micah 7:8

Find Your Safe People

I can’t do this on my own.  Life is too hard and messy and there is too much pain and hurt to suffer alone.  I can’t imagine what my life would be like if there weren’t people who were walking alongside me, praying for me and offering hope and encouragement when I need it.  When I can’t see the light, it helps to have others who can point me towards it.  

My hope for anyone reading this is that you have those people too.  People who are safe and who you can share your heart with.  People who you don’t have to pretend to be okay around.  People you can share your anger, hurt, frustrations, hopes and joys with.  We weren’t meant to walk through this life alone.  Community is so important and so needed.  

Not everyone is safe to open up to and not everyone can walk alongside you especially when life gets hard.  It’s hard to spend time with a hurting person.  It can drain you and make you feel uncomfortable, but it is so important and so needed.  And it is also rewarding too.  Maybe not right away, and maybe not ever visibly, but you can know that it was eternally noticed.  And hopefully after you have been that person for someone when they need it, maybe they will be that person for you when you need them.  

And if you are currently that safe person for someone and it’s tiring you out, I just want to encourage you that what you are being for that person is so important and so loving.  So keep it up, friend.  You are needed.  

And if you are that person that doesn’t have anyone safe in their life, be praying that God would provide that for you.  It is so vital.  Also be praying that you can be this person to others too, and maybe by doing that God will open up doors for you to serve and be served by others.  

And if you need someone to talk to, I am here for you and praying for you right now. <3

Grace for the Afflicted

I read a book by this title a few years ago and I loved it-both the book and the title.  This particular book is about mental health but I think we are all afflicted in some way whether that be physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.  I’m so thankful for the grace that gets me through those days when I don’t have my own strength to make it.  Those days when I’m so exhausted and can’t bear the thought of getting out of bed.  The days when I feel so anxious and stressed, I can’t imagine another day of dealing with what is going on in my head.  The days when I feel so defeated and depressed and I can’t imagine living another day without the joy and hope I’ve lost.  

On those days, I cry out to God for the grace that I need to get me through the day.  I know that even though I don’t have the capacity to make it through this day on my own, He has abundant energy, joy and grace to shower upon me, and with His help I can make it through this seemingly impossible day.  

Today is a bit like one of those days, but it’s not as bad as some I’ve had.  However, I know there are sweet friends of mine who are living these days often lately and so today I’m writing for them.  I’m praying the grace you need today will fill you up and help you get through this day.  I’m praying that the God of all you need meets you and helps you to not only make it through your day, but also gives you some joy in the midst of this tough day.  

He sees your struggles and He knows this day is hard.  Give it to Him and rest in His Presence knowing that it is only Him who can sustain you.  I’m thankful for that promise and pray you can cling to it too.  You are loved!

A sweet friend gave me this verse today and I’m sharing it with you. “The one who calls you is faithful, and He will do it.” 1 Thessalonians 5:24

I don't HAVE to, I GET to

I recently read an article from a woman who said that by changing three simple words, she was able to change her attitude from being one of discontent to one of gratitude.  She found that instead of complaining of all the things she HAD to do, she started being grateful for all the things she GOT to do.  Instead of complaining about having to do laundry, she was thankful for the people she loved that she was doing laundry for.  Instead of complaining that she had to cook dinner or clean her house, she was thankful for a house to clean and food to eat.  This article really helped me this week in shifting my sometimes negative attitude to a more positive outlook.  

I find with anxiety, I can often start to look at things that are before me as looming objects of dread, instead of choosing to see them in a more positive way.  When I may not feel like going to work, I can be thankful that I have a job that I love and where I can serve.  When I had a bad night sleep and I don’t know how I will cope with the day ahead, I’m thankful for the good nights that I often get, and I am thankful for the strength that is always given to me for the day ahead. 

I’m choosing to focus on what I GET to do every day and not what I HAVE to do.  This changes my attitude, and so often the fog of anxiety and gloom that is burdening me dissipates.  It doesn’t always work right away, but I do find this shift in how I view my days and my tasks can be helpful to me with my anxiety and gloomy moods.    

I think it’s really easy to build things up in a negative way in your head when you struggle with anxiety, and this is one easy way I try to combat this.   I hope this small change in words of how you view your daily tasks and responsibilities can help you too <3

The Frustrations of Changing Moods and Emotions

I don’t know about you but I find my emotions and my mood really, really frustrating at times.  I feel as though one minute, I’m on a high and feeling pretty good about life and where I’m at and then the next minute, I’m feeling down and just want to cry.  I don’t know if this is me just being emotional, whether its pregnancy hormones, whether its my brain chemistry, but whatever it is, I hate it.  I wish I could be even-keeled and consistent.  I’d settle for feeling okay and levelled rather than so up and down all the time.  

I’ve found this happening more recently and I’ve been trying to find ways to combat the fluctuating moods.  I think sometimes it helps me just to embrace the lows and realize that for me, they will pass in time.  I never know how long. Sometimes a few minutes, sometimes a few hours, and sometimes the whole day, I’ll be feeling down but at some point it switches and I’m thankful for that.  This realization of thinking, “This too shall pass,” has been helpful for me.  

I know I have talked about it frequently but trying to think of five things I’m thankful for also helps.  I often do it reluctantly and I may not want to be thankful at the time, but I find if I’m feeling down and I do this exercise, it focuses my mind on the good in my life, and it can lift my mood and change my outlook.  

I know I’m really lacking in sleep and I’m sure that doesn’t help my moods, so probably if I could just sleep more, I’d feel more balanced…easy to say, hard to do at this stage!  

Anyway I didn’t really know what to write today, so I thought I’d just share this current struggle of mine and hope that I’m not alone in it!  Sometimes life is just hard and full of ups and downs and these are some of the ways I’m trying to cope these days.  I have been sick for a week now and I’ve never had someone relying on me in the same way when I am sick as now.  I have always wondered how moms took care of their babies when they were sick and it was one of my biggest fears wondering how I would face it.  Anyway here we are now and I’m facing it.  I wish I could say I’m handling it well but I’m just discouraged and I feel like it will never end!  I know that’s not true,  and “This too shall pass,” but, man, its hard in the midst of it!  It’s easy to want to give up, but I know that’s not really an option right now.  I’m still a mom even when I’m sick and I’m thankful for that too.  

I hope everyone reading this is staying healthy and happy on this sunny Monday.  If it’s a down day, it will pass.  And if it’s a good day, YAY!  Keep it up!  And to all those mamas out there who are sick or dealing with sick kids, I feel ya.  You are a champ!