Living with the tension of sickness

I was thinking about what I wanted to write about this week and was having a hard time knowing what to share and how I could encourage others by my words.  Honestly, I’m having a hard time adjusting to new medication and it’s hard to function normally and live well.  I so long to feel at peace and feel well again.  I pray this struggle is only for a short time as I figure out medications and dosages and all that, but it’s hard to stay positive and continue to be thankful amidst these circumstances.  

Even as I write this, I know there are people who are way sicker than me and struggling way more.  Not that this minimizes what I am going through, but I do acknowledge that I have a lot to be thankful for.  I am thankful for medication that can help make my life easier.  I am thankful for our health care system, though not perfect, so much better than so many other places around the world.  I am thankful for kind friends and family who pray and support me in many ways.  

I am really trying to do all I can to take care of my body and rest, but it is so hard.  I want to be able to do all I could do before when I was feeling well, but I can’t.  I want to give and share and help others, but I only have so much energy and strength to give right now.  This is such a struggle for me, because I love people and serving and often don’t know my limits of how much to do, be, etc.  

And then I struggle with guilt.  I didn’t do such and such today so I failed, or I couldn’t get together with this person so I feel like a bad friend.  It’s so hard not to make myself feel worse because of this guilt, but I know that it is not from God.  I know I have to take care of myself right now especially, but all the time as well.  There is only so much God has called me to do and I shouldn’t be doing what He hasn’t set aside for me to do.  He has called someone else to do that.  

These are just some thoughts that have been going through my head these last couple of weeks as I live in the tension of not being extremely ill but also not being well.  I am a perfectionist and can be so hard on myself and I’m trying to let that go.  It’s not easy, but I have to continually remind myself that I am perfect and loved by God just as I am.  He has redeemed me and there is nothing more I can do to be worthy of His love.  Yes, I still need to live for Him and honour Him with my life, but I cannot earn His love.  

I am so thankful for this.  And in some ways being sick reminds me of this.  I am not able to do all I can normally do.  I have to take it easy and relax.  I have to rely on God for the strength to get me through each day and I have to trust Him that He will give me the energy to do what He wants me to do each day.  All the other things can wait.  So I didn’t clean my kitchen today, or workout, or even shower, but I am still worthy.  I am still loved.  And if today was a hard day and all I did was breathe and make it through, that is ok.  God is present and He knows and I am so thankful for that.  So I pray that can encourage you too.  Whether you are a perfectionist or not, whether you are sick or not, whether life is great or not.  You are loved, just as you are, nothing to prove.  

I read this verse today and changed the pronoun from he to she, but it encouraged me so much and I’m going to memorize it this month.  

Psalm 91:14-16

“Because she loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue her; I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name.  She will call on me, and I will answer her; I will be with her in trouble, I will deliver her and honour her.  With long life I will satisfy her and show her my salvation.”

Where is God when I'm suffering?

This is such a tough question and something that I think that most of us who struggle with any kind of suffering have to deal with.  Where is God in my pain?  Why did He allow this?  I will never be able to fully answer this question, but I can share my own personal experience of dealing with suffering and wrestling through this issue.  

I have been going through some tough stuff with my mental health over the past few weeks.  I went off of one medication because the doctors and psychiatrists I had seen had suggested another medication might be better for me.  The diagnosis of bipolar disorder that I had been given years ago did not seem to fit for me and a few of the specialists I saw were questioning it.  They suggested I try going off of the medication I was on and see if I could cope without a medication, and if I did need something to help with my anxiety, I could go on something that would help with that.  This was all very confusing to me as I had pretty much accepted that I had bipolar disorder and would have to be on medication all of my life.  Now all of a sudden, I could potentially be off everything and function on my own.  This was exciting, but also a scary decision to make as I could react very negatively if I went off my medication, and I did have bipolar disorder.  Anyway I decided to risk it to see if I could function without medication.  I knew that God would care for me no matter the outcome and would carry me throughout this whole journey.  

Honestly, the past few weeks have been some of the hardest times of my life.  After I was off my medication which helped some with anxiety, my anxiety came on with a vengeance and I could barely cope.  I had no idea why this was happening, and why, when I was trying to do everything right and care for myself the best I could, I could not control this anxiety and live a normal life.  I had awful physical and emotional symptoms and everyday was a struggle to get up and do what I had to do.  I’m still going through this difficult time and although it is getting better, I still struggle to understand why this is happening.  I am back on another medication that helps with anxiety and my body is still adjusting to it.  As much as I wanted to be off medication, it looks as though I need it to function normally.  I am coming to terms with this, and I am thankful that there is something to help me cope.    

However, all that aside, God has never been more present or stopped caring for me every minute of every day.  He has surrounded me with people who have been praying for me daily and I have felt that prayer.  He has given me a supportive husband and a wonderful family who never stopped serving me practically.  He has provided me with so many sweet friends who daily texted me checking in on me, or spent time with me giving me that strength I needed to make it through my days.  So where is God when I am suffering?  He is there.  I may not always feel Him but I know that He is there.  He always gives me exactly what I need when I need it, and He always gives me His strength to do what I need to do.  He provides over and above what I need.  Does this mean that it is easy?  Not at all.  Most days are still a struggle and it is unbearable at times.  Do I understand why I have to suffer in this way at this time?  No, however, I believe that what I am going through is making me a stronger person and someone who is more like Christ.  I am able to minister to others in different ways because of what I have gone through and what I am going through.  I know that what He allows is for my good and His glory.  And honestly, if I can encourage one person as I suffer, it is worth it.  I pray often that I suffer well and with grace.    

So to those of you who are suffering.  Trust me, God knows and He is there.  It may not always feel like it, but He loves you so much more than you know and He will give you the grace to make it through your suffering.  Christ suffered more than we ever will, and He knows what we are going through.  Take comfort in that!  And when you come out the other side, by His grace, you will be more like Him and hopefully more loving and compassionate to others.  You are not alone!       

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:18

Mental Illness and Compassion

Compassion

Living with mental illness has made me much more compassionate and loving and I’m so thankful for that.  It has changed who I am for the better.  I love that I can offer support and understanding to others who are struggling with mental health.  I love that I can offer hope by saying, I’ve been there and I know what you are going through.  I am thankful that I know what it is like to feel hopeless, and feel like life is so monotonous and not know how I will ever get through this day.  To feel like every day is a repeat of the day before and to struggle through the day with what feels like a black cloud over my head.  It is a privilege to enter into pain with someone and to walk through their depression with them.  To just be there and not have to say anything but to just be present.  

It is so important to reach out to others with compassion.  You never know how one word from you can touch someone’s life.  God has placed certain people in our lives for a reason and we need to be sensitive to God’s leading so we can know how and when to minister to those around us.  I can think of several people that God has placed in my life at different seasons, and how He has wanted me to reach out to them and love them and just do life with them.  So often what we do is not rewarded here on earth, and so often we do not even know if we are making a difference or if we are being appreciated by the ones we reach out to.  But we are still called to love those people and reach out and give of ourselves even if we never get anything in return.  Sometimes I get frustrated and I feel like I give and people do not give back in return.  I read a book by Nicki Koziarz and she spoke about emotional generosity and how we often do not receive from many of the people we give to.  And many times we are given emotional generosity from people who we have not given to.  This comforted me and gave me motivation to continue to love those around me who do not give back.  This does not mean that we are called to continually give out to people who suck everything from us and who do not respect boundaries.  There are definitely people who we must cut off and use wisdom when we relate to them.  If we are in prayer and communing with God, then I believe He will guide us and let us know when we need to separate from them and who we need to continue to give to.  

It is so nice to be appreciated and when you are, give thanks to God and point others to Him because it is Him who put that person on your heart, and Him who gives you the strength to serve them everyday.  I try to remember those times and it is helpful to have an encouragement file.  Keep cards or notes that people give you that have encouraged you.  I was told this by a dear friend who I worked with at a crisis pregnancy centre.  So often what we do is never noticed and we never see the fruit of our labours.  So when we are given a glimpse into what God is doing we need to remember it and to be encouraged by it.  It is also helpful to my sinful heart, not to hear praise all the time.  I so often become prideful and I have to remind myself that I am nothing without God.  It is all because of Him that I have accomplished what I have, and it is He who made me and continues to make me more like Him.  He is so gracious and has so much patience with me.  I am so thankful.  All glory to Him!  

I have become a different person through this illness.  I pray that I have become more like Christ through it all.  I know my heart was hard before and now it has been softened.  Sometimes it feels like its too soft but I prefer that over hard heartedness.  I am so much more emotional now and sometimes I feel that hinders me.  However, I hope that people can see how much I care and how broken I am.  Broken yet healed.  Broken yet beautiful.  I pray the same for all of you.  

Finding Rest

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone.  My hope comes from Him.”  Psalm 62:5

I was spending some time meditating and memorizing this verse this week and found it very comforting.  I think if you are an anxious person, you find much of your time filled with worry and unrest.  I often long for the days when I used to be carefree and not so anxious about everything all the time.  This verse was so helpful to just repeat to myself over and over this week.  Even though my soul is often worried or not at peace, this verse tells me that my soul can find rest in God alone.  Knowing that the Creator of the universe loves me so much that He will give my soul rest gives me so much hope.  My soul can never truly rest until my hope is found in Him.  As a Christian, I know that my hope is in the Lord who has redeemed me.  My anxious soul finds so much comfort in that.  I can find rest.  My soul can find rest.  My hope is in Him who gives me everything that I need.  

So my encouragement to you is to say this verse to yourself a few times.  Just focus on each phrase and speak this truth to yourself.  My soul can find rest in God alone because my hope comes from Him.  No matter what I am facing in this life, whether it be mental illness, physical illness, a loss of some kind, etc., I can find the hope to carry on and function.  I’m so thankful for this since anxiety is so exhausting and I’m often just trying to keep my head above the water.  Trying to keep from drowning. Trying to stay afloat.  Trying to appear normal and functional to everyone around me.  There comes a time when I can’t keep it together anymore.  I can no longer keep from drowning on my own.  That is when I cry out to God who is my hope.  He is the one who can keep me above the water.  He is the one who will give me rest.  I hope this comforts you as much as it comforts me.  This doesn’t mean that I always feel at rest, but I know that I can keep coming back to this truth because I know it to be so.  My soul has found rest.  I hope yours can too.   

Focusing Outward

Anxiety and depression cause us to focus inward.  How do we shift our focus outward?  

I have heard of this struggle from friends, and have found it to be a struggle for me as well.  Anxiety makes us so fearful and obsessive and basically causes us to be focused only on ourselves.  This is something we need to strongly combat against.  I think it is normal to struggle with this when one struggles with anxiety.  It is ok to feel nervous or anxious.  You cannot really help that when you deal with anxiety.  However, we can choose how we respond to our anxious thoughts.  We can choose to dwell on them and obsess over them, or we can give them over to God.  We can take them captive and then throw them away.  We can choose to focus on things that are pure and lovely and right and true.  (Philippians 4:8)  I always find that it helps to pray to God and ask Him to take away my anxious thoughts.  I try to quote Scripture verses or try to distract myself with other thoughts.  One thing that has really helped me when I feel caught up in my own head, is to then think of others.  Think of how you can reach out to someone else who may be struggling or how you can encourage a friend.  I often go through my texts on my phone and think of who I can text to see how they are doing.  I can try to remember prayer requests from friends and spend some time praying about them.  I may be really struggling with something and my struggles are real, but there are other people who may have it worse or who need something from me at that time.  I can reach out to others and it really helps.  It gets my focus off of me and onto someone else.  Then I am no longer caught up in my own thoughts, and I am encouraging someone who may need to hear from me that day.  

Now there are definitely times when I am really struggling and I cannot seem to get out of my own head.  I am worried and fearful and all I can think about are my own issues.  This definitely can happen and like I have said before, my brain does not work properly and there are times when I may be emotionally sick and I have to focus on taking care of myself.  That is okay.  Do not let yourself feel guilty for that.  When we are sick, we need to take care of ourselves.  The other danger of focusing on others is that we do not pay attention to our own needs at all and then we have no reserve to give from.  We need to make sure we are taking care of ourselves, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  We cannot give to others until we are full ourselves.  This is especially true spiritually.  We need to make sure that we are in the Word of God and spending time praying.  I also find it helpful to be reading all the time.  I had this goal about two years ago to read a chapter of a book every day.  I have been doing it and since then have read many, many books.  This is an easy goal to have and it helps grow me spiritually too.  I try to choose spiritual growth books that keep me learning and growing in my faith.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been challenged, impacted and encouraged by what I have been reading.  And one chapter a day really is not that daunting.  You can do it!  

So this is my challenge to you today if you struggle with anxiety or depression or even if you don’t, but you find yourself too inwardly focused.  Try to focus on someone else today and try to get out of your own head.  Think of one way you can encourage someone else.  Also, start reading a book that can encourage you in your faith and take your mind off of your anxiety.  These are some things that have really helped me in my journey and I hope they can help you too.   

Joy in Suffering

What does it mean to have true joy in suffering?

This is a good question.  Does this mean that I have to be happy that I am suffering?  Or that I have to be happy when bad things happen to me and those I love?  No, but it does mean that we still have hope in Christ during these times and that we are joyful in hope, patient in affliction.  We know that these are light and momentary struggles that are achieving for us a treasure that far outweighs them. (2 Corinthians 4:17) This gives me so much hope and courage and strength.  I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, and I put my hope in that daily.  I am not happy when I am lying paralyzed in bed because I cannot get up due to my anxiety or depression.  I hate that my anxiety and fear can stop me from doing what I want to do.  No, that does not make me joyful.  But I am joyful when I remember that Christ has fought the battle for me and no matter what I struggle with here on earth, He will be here with me.  He is here with me now, and He has defeated Satan and sin and death and when He returns, I will no longer have to deal with anxiety and stress and depression.  This gives me joy. 

I also have joy when I achieve things throughout the day that I thought I could not do.  When God gives me strength to accomplish tasks that feel impossible, I am so filled with thankfulness and joy that He helped me to accomplish them.  

I also feel joy when I know that God is working on something in me, and it gives me hope and a purpose when I know that He is refining my character through my struggles.  Struggles are anything but fun, but when I can remember that He is making me more like Him and making my character reflect His, I am joyful in that.  I also know that He is right by my side throughout all of my struggles and that anything that I suffer from, He has already suffered from and defeated.  We are fighting a battle that is already ultimately won!  This is so wonderful and gives me great joy.  

I also find I have joy when I have an attitude of gratitude.  It is so easy to focus on all that is going wrong in our day when we should be so grateful for all the many ways in which we have been blessed.  There is always someone who has more than you, but there is also always someone who has less.  Be grateful for what God has placed in your life and for the many blessings He pours out on you daily.  You may not always see them right away, but trust me, they are there.  I try to think of five things every day that I am thankful for.  It was hard at first, but over time I realized there is so much I have to be thankful for and even when my day is hard, I realize it could be worse.  This is not to minimize the pain that some of us go through, but I really have found that in the midst of pain, there can be true joy when I practice gratitude.  

Meditate on these things when you are struggling and you want to have joy.  This mindset is one that has to be cultivated too.  It does not come naturally to us.  We have to steep our minds in the Word of God and be actively involved in a relationship with Jesus.  We also need to worship with other Christians and be surrounding ourselves with people who think this way as well.  It does not help us to surround ourselves with negative people who only pull us down and not lift us up. We will become like those we surround ourselves with, and it is so much easier to be pulled down than to lift someone up.  We still need to reach out to these people and love them but limit our time with them.  Use your wisdom.  Jesus reached out to those around Him, but who did He surround Himself with?  His disciples-those who knew and loved Him and wanted to serve Him.  Yes, they made many mistakes but God knew their hearts, and He poured into them and made them into strong and courageous men of faith.  He can, and will do that for you too if you keep trusting in Him and following Him and glorifying Him in all that you do.  Keep fighting for the faith.  Do not give up.  He is making us more into His image all the time.  I am so thankful for this!

Finally, this is a quote that I found and that encouraged me as I was reading The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.  

“I do not pray that you may be delivered from your pains, but I pray to God earnestly that He would give you strength and patience to bear them as long as He pleases.  Comfort yourself with Him who holds you fastened to the cross.  He will loose you when He thinks fit.  Happy those who suffer with Him: accustom yourself to suffer in that manner, and seek from Him the strength to endure as much, and as long, as He shall judge to be necessary for you.  The men of the world do not comprehend these truths, nor is it to be wondered at, since they suffer like what they are, and not like Christians.  They consider sickness as a pain to nature, and not as a favour from God; and seeing it only in that light, they find nothing in it but grief and distress.  But those who consider sickness as coming from the hand of God, as the effect of His mercy, and the means which He employs for their salvation- such, commonly find in it great sweetness and sensible consolation.  I wish you could convince yourself that God is often (in some sense) nearer to us, and more effectually present with us, in sickness than in health.” 

Hold on to me, cause I'm a little unsteady...

Lately there has been a song playing on the radio by the X Ambassadors called “Unsteady”.  A couple of verses from the song really resonated with me as I thought about mental illness.  The chorus says, “Hold on to me, cause I’m a little unsteady…if you love me, don’t let go.” I love this because I think often those who struggle with anxiety and depression long for this.  We are drowning in our heads and desperately want someone to hold us above the water.  We need others to understand.  We need to somehow not feel so alone, to escape our thoughts when we feel trapped inside our heads.  I believe we need to run to God during these times, and I believe He is the one who will always hold onto us.  But I also think we need people to come alongside us during this time and hold us up when we can’t do it on our own anymore. 

You may be saying, I don’t struggle with mental health issues.  How do I support someone who does?  This is a tough question.  It is so hard for people who do not struggle with mental health to be supportive of people who do when they do not understand it.  I completely understand this.  It is only normal, we cannot fully understand what someone else is going through until we have been there ourselves.  However, you can be supportive of someone even though you have not been through the same situation.  I think the most important thing for Christians is to be in prayer for someone struggling.  Make sure that you are pouring your heart out before God in intercession for this person.  People struggling are often at the point where they can’t pray for themselves.  They have no words and they need someone to cry out to God for them.  Prayer is the most loving and wonderful thing we can do for people and something we can do anytime, anywhere.  The person does not even have to know you are praying for them, although it is a huge encouragement to me when I know people are praying for me.

The next important thing to do is to listen.  Read it again...listen!  You do not need to know the perfect thing to say, the Christian thing to say, the right thing to say.  You simply need to listen and empathize.  Ask the person to describe how they are thinking so you can understand a little bit more.  I know I always struggle with jumping ahead in my mind as someone is talking, so that I can say the right thing.  I am not really listening to them, I am thinking of what I am going to say next.  Do not do this!  Just relax and listen.  I often do not want someone to give me advice or an answer when I am struggling with something.  I want a listening, empathetic ear.  If I want advice, I ask.  If they do ask, you can do your best to give your thoughts but just be careful what you say.  Remember you have not been through this before so just be gentle and cautious.  Never underestimate the power of just being with someone and saying nothing.  When I’m feeling anxious or depressed sometimes I just want someone to be with me to distract me.  Hanging out with a good friend can help me get out of my head when I’m going crazy with my thoughts. 

Another really helpful thing to do is to pray with them, if they are a Christian or even if they are not.  You can always ask them if they would like prayer.  Alot of people do, even if they are not professing Christians.  They want anything that might help!  This is such a cool opportunity so make the most of it.  It is such a privilege to pray with other believers and people who are searching for help.  

This next part is so important!  Please never give up on friends who are struggling with depression and anxiety.  I realize it may not be fun to hang out with them or to listen to their struggles.  It can even be painful at times, and there is a time when you may need to encourage them to focus on something else or to challenge them on an attitude.  But it is imperative that they still feel loved and accepted by you even though they may not be the most exciting company.  I know when I feel depressed or anxious, I often need a friend to be with me and encourage me and then I might even come out of my sad mood or my anxious thoughts.  Remember to mourn with those who mourn.  This friendship may not be benefiting you at this time, but there are cycles in friendships and maybe one day you will need that same acceptance and love.  Or you may never receive what you need from this friendship, but you may gain it from another.  Remember God gives us what we need, and you may be what your friend needs at this time.  

For those of you who are struggling with mental illness, one thing that has been really healing for me has been talking about my struggles.  I was surprised with how many people I have been honest with and who I shared what was really going on in my life and my soul.  It really was healing for me.  I encourage you to do this even if you are someone who keeps things to themselves.  It has been so encouraging to me to know that people are praying for me and that these people who call themselves my friends truly want to know what is going on with me.  They want to give me hugs and know my heart.  They want to pray for me.  I was surprised I did not meet with any judgment or misunderstanding.  That is not always the case but I think it has been God’s gift to me.  Do be wise with who you open up to.  Make sure the people are trustworthy, but I encourage you, please reach out and be honest.  People may surprise you.  And if you are like me and you like to talk, it can be really healing to express yourself.  A counsellor can also be helpful in this regard.  They are trained professionals who can really help you get out of your head and process your thoughts in a healthy way.   

As I write, I hope God grants me the wisdom to write what He has put on my heart.  That He would give me the words to say and that these words would breathe life into someone’s soul.  My whole purpose and passion in life is Christ.  In what He has done for me and who He has made me.  My whole life revolves around Him and I can never repay Him for what He has done for me.  I am so thankful that He turns what is meant for evil into good.  My illness has so affected me and it could have destroyed me.  It could have even killed me.  However, God has taken it and used it to transform my life and make me more like Him.  He has refined me like gold.  I am not perfect and this side of Heaven, I will never be.  But I hope He brings me close throughout this life journey.  The closer I walk with Him, the more He will transform me into His likeness and I love that about life.  He will never leave me and never give up on me.  He will continue to convict me when needed and shape me into someone more like Christ.  This process is often hard but I would not change it for anything.  I believe He can do the same for you.  Keep seeking Him and crying out to Him.  I promise you, He hears you and is there even when you don’t feel Him.  Keep your head above water, and I pray that He will bring people alongside you to hold you up when you feel unsteady.  And I pray for those who are trying to support loved ones with mental illness and don’t understand fully, that you will be a support to listen and pray with your loved ones and to speak truth to them when they can’t speak it to themselves.  

Isaiah 40: 27-31 (emphasis mine)

“Why do you complain, Jacob?

Why do you say, Israel,

“My way is hidden from the Lord;

my cause is disregarded by my God”?

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.”