This is my story. The story of a woman who has a mental illness. The story of a woman who is daily fighting her anxiety, sometimes depression, but who has experienced so much joy and peace because of this illness. Sharing my story publicly has been scary for me, but I believe there is so much healing in vulnerability, both for the one sharing their story and also for those who hear it. My hope is that my story can encourage others and give hope. My prayer is that my story can draw people closer to Christ, and see that despite what we face in this world, He is constant and He is faithful. Thank you for taking the time to read what I have written and I truly hope it can be encouraging to you.
In December of 2009, I was diagnosed with Seasonal Bipolar II disorder. Honestly, the diagnosis was somewhat of a relief for me as I had been struggling with depression for a few months and just wanted to know what was wrong with me. My initial thoughts were of unbelief. How could I have bipolar disorder? I’m not "crazy"! My only experience of people with bipolar disorder were the people on tv who were portrayed as unpredictable and unbalanced. How could this be? I didn’t do any of those things. Aren’t people with bipolar disorder mentally unbalanced and unable to control themselves? Now I was labeled in the same category as them. What did this mean?
This began my journey, six years ago, of learning to live with a mental illness. It has not been easy. In fact, it’s been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. There have been days of such darkness, I did not think I could survive. There have also been days of such joy, I wouldn’t change a thing. This is the story of how I have grown and changed because of this illness. Changed in such ways that I could never have imagined or that would not have been possible without this illness. This has been my thorn in the flesh. I have prayed for it to be removed. I have prayed for healing. God, thus far, has not chosen to heal me from it, and I have learned to accept that. He has, however, been with me through it all and has made me more into his likeness through it. My relationship with Him has grown because of it, and I would not change that for anything. He has become more of a Friend, a Saviour, a Rescuer and a Sustainer. Without Him, I would have no hope. I would have no reason to get up in the morning. Yet, throughout this journey, I have discovered more joy, more patience, and more compassion than I ever knew I could possess, all thanks to Christ.
I am finding out more and more that so many people are struggling with their mental health. I knew that this was true, but as I have been writing and sharing with people my struggles, it has been so interesting how many other people I have found with these same struggles. My heart breaks for people who do not have anyone to open up to and share their heart with. People who do not have the support system that I have been so blessed to have. I long to speak to everyone who is struggling and to let them know that they are not alone. They do not have to suffer alone. They are strong and they are courageous and they can receive help and function. We are not in this battle alone. God is available to us and can be fighting for us when we know Him and trust in Him. Anxiety and depression are so exhausting, and it is so hard to be fighting this alone. Please have courage and know that I have felt overwhelmed with anxiety and depression, and I have come out the other side.
This blog will be my story about my experiences as I have worked through many issues, questioned God, learned more about myself and others, and so much more. I hope my story can help you and encourage you whether you have a mental illness or whether you are close to someone who has one. God has used my illness to help me encourage and empathize with others. May God work mightily through the words that He has given me. May your hearts be changed and encouraged by His everlasting and unchanging love. Mental illness may be scary and your mood may change daily, but God is faithful and will never give up on you.
Soli Deo Gloria.
Much love,
Natalie
If you have any questions or comments, my email is natalieannhowson@hotmail.com. I would love to hear from you!
