New Year's Resolutions?

It’s that time of year again where we think about the New Year and come up with some resolutions.  I don’t usually make New Year’s resolutions but I like to reflect on the past year and come up with goals for the new year.  I think it’s been really helpful to look back on the past year and be happy with myself for what I’ve accomplished and be honest with myself about what I would like to work on this next year.  I have done this the past two years and it’s not meant to be something that makes me feel like I’ve failed or something that I am prideful about when I have accomplished my goals.  I like to be thankful for what I have managed to accomplish, and so often if I don’t make a conscious effort to look back and reflect, then I am not aware of what progress I have made.  I also like to look back on what my goals were and how I may not have met them the way I would have liked to.  I try not to feel guilty about this, but just focus on how in this next year, I can improve on those goals.  

I think this has helped my mental health because it is so easy to forget the progress we have made in a year or to beat ourselves up for the many things that we feel we need to improve on.  I’m really trying to be thankful to God for enabling me to work on these things, and trying not to be down on myself when I did not fulfill the goals I wanted to.  

This year I have been reading a few blogs from people who pick a word to focus on for the year.  This is a word that they want to grow and develop in their lives over the next 365 days.  I have never done this but I have been thinking about it the last few days, and have been trying to think of a word that I want to focus on this year.  

After some thought, I think my word for this year will be PRESENCE.  This is a big thing for me as my mind is often so active, and always jumping ahead to the future or dwelling on the past.  I really want to be in the present and enjoy the moments I’m experiencing.  I think this is so important for us all, but now that I have a little boy, I really want to be present for him.  I want to focus on him when we are playing and not be focusing on my phone.  I have a tendency to be on social media too much during the day.  I don’t want him to grow up thinking of me always with a phone in my hand.  I also think this is important for my anxiety, because I know when I spend too much time on my phone, my anxiety is worse.  

I think presence is something that is so key for mental health as well, because as someone who struggles with anxiety and depression, I can often get caught up in being anywhere but where I am.  I worry about the future and I think about my to do lists.  I worry about the past, and maybe something I said or did wrong.  I don’t want to be focused on that stuff.  It doesn’t do me or anyone else any good and I just make myself feel sick when I’m focused on the past or the future (in a negative, worrying way).  

So this year, I want to be present.  I want to be right where I am in every moment doing my best to see the joy and beauty in everything.  I wrote about the mundane in life a few blog posts ago and I’m really experiencing that as a mom.  There is so much fun and joy in motherhood too, but there are a lot of sleepless, monotonous tasks that wear me down!  I want to be present even in those moments, because the reason that I am doing those monotonous tasks is because I have a beautiful little boy who I love with all my heart and I am so thankful for him.  I’m thankful for housework because I have a home.  I’m thankful for sleepless nights because I have a healthy, growing baby.  I’m thankful for dirty laundry because I have people in my life who have made those clothes dirty.  I could go on and on, but my point is….I want to be present this year even in those moments.  

So my encouragement to you is to try looking back on the past year and be thankful for all you have accomplished.  And those areas in which you feel you failed, be thankful you have another year to work on them!  None of us are perfect and it takes a long time to change and grow, but that doesn’t mean that every year, we aren’t a step closer.  

And maybe pick a word that you would like to define your year.  Something you want to focus on and grow in.  

And always….

BE PRESENT.  I promise you and those around you will be grateful for it.  

You are Brave and so much Stronger than you Know

I see you and I know…

I see you.

You with the crippling depression who can barely get out of bed in the morning.

You who struggles to see the joy and purpose in life anymore.

You whose hope is fading, wondering if you will ever feel alive again.

I see you.

I see you.

You who is struggling with chronic pain/illness and discouragement wondering if you will ever feel healthy again.

You who is wondering if there will be a day where you wake up and feel no pain.

You who is now struggling with anxiety because you never know what each day will bring and whether or not you can cope with doing what you have to do.

I see you.

I see you.

You who has crippling anxiety.

You who finds that the simplest things that “normal” people can do, paralyze you.

You who constantly wish that you could be “normal” too.  

You who wonders why you feel this way and if/when you will ever be free of this tight feeling in your chest or that sick feeling in your stomach.

I see you.

I see you.

You who is struggling with insomnia.

You can’t sleep and you walk through most of your days in a haze.

Other people don’t understand because they don't know how important sleep is to functioning until they aren’t getting it anymore.  

You who wonders if you will ever be able to enjoy your days again and not just exist through them.  

I see you.

I see you.

You who is facing that horrible loss

Whether it be a death, a relationship, a job, or the broken dreams of life not turning out like you had planned.

You live each day numb to what is going on around you

Aching for what was or what could have been.

I see you.

I see you because I know.  I’ve been there.  I don’t understand each of these circumstances to the extent of many of my sweet friends struggling, but I have experienced many of them at various points and it is hard.

Let me tell you that you are brave..so brave…getting up each and every day and facing your day despite how you feel.  

You are so strong.  To push through that pain, that anxiety, that depression, that sleeplessness, that loss and to do what you have to do knowing that most people around you have no idea how much effort it costs you.

You are capable of so much more than you think.

This depression, this anxiety, this pain, this sleeplessness, this loss, while it seems like you will never be past your struggle, these burdens can make you stronger.  They can change who you are and they can change you for the better.  They can refine your character.  They can make you more patient, more grateful, more compassionate, more able to share in the sufferings of others.  

Hold on to that hope.  Hold on to that promise.  It does get better.  If all you managed to do today was exist, that’s enough.  You’ve got this sweet friend.  You are not alone.  You are seen.

And maybe one day when you are past this particular pain, or even in the midst of the storm, you can reach out to someone else who is struggling with the same thing and you can point them to hope, to truth, to peace.  And you can tell them that they are so brave and so strong and that they’ve got this too. <3    

Soli Deo Gloria

Glorious in the Mundane and Being in the Present

A friend of mine recently recommended a podcast to me called “Glorious in the Mundane” hosted by Christy Nockels and I’ve listened to a few episodes lately.  This podcast has been such an encouragement to me and my mental health because as I’ve entered into this new season of motherhood, I’ve found much of my life to be filled with mundane tasks that seem to never end!  Endless loads of laundry, changing a thousand diapers a day, doing the same monotonous things over and over again.  

I struggled with this before I was a mom too.  Much of our lives are filled with doing the same menial tasks over and over again and it can sometimes feel overwhelming and pointless.  I remember when I was struggling with a period of depression at one point just thinking that so much of what I do feels meaningless and I wondered what the point of it was.  It’s easy to get discouraged when you feel the monotony of life.

 As I was listening to this podcast, Christy talks about this very real struggle in motherhood and life in general.  She also spoke about how so often we are in a season of life just waiting for it to be over and desperately wanting to get to the next stage.  Why is that?  Why is it so hard for me to be content where I am and to find the joy in the little things each day?  Someday I’m going to look back on these days and wish I was back here.  I know so much of my mental health struggles have been made worse when I  constantly wish away the present and hope for the future or long for the past.  It’s not wrong to look forward to things in the future, or to fondly remember the past, but there is beauty in the present and so much for us to learn right here, right now.  

When I focus on making the mundane glorious, and being content in the present, life is much richer.  Enjoy these moments, because before you know it, they are gone and you are in the next stage wishing back the last one.  No matter what the menial task is that we are doing, we can do it with love.  We can honour God and our families and friends in the most trivial tasks just as much as the tasks that we deem much more important.  I don’t believe He values one over the other.  What He cares about is my attitude when I’m doing those tasks or how I’m serving my family and the world around me in the present.  I will waste my life if I am constantly wishing for the future, hoping I can do great things when the great things that I am meant to do are the little, everyday tasks set before me each and every day.  

Someday I will look back and I’ll miss the little newborn stage, and maybe I’ll even miss the thousands of diapers I changed because I’ll miss my little guy being little enough to fall asleep on me and being able to cuddle with him in the afternoon in bed watching a movie.  Right now it’s hard not to wish this time away because I sit at home all day and I am recovering from birth and longing for my life to get into a normal routine.  

So I’m trying to savour every moment and be in the present because one day, I won’t have anyone else’s laundry to do and I will wish I did.  I want to be thankful for the present and all the lessons it is teaching me.  And let me tell you, this fills me with such joy and gratitude that my mental health benefits from in so many ways.  So no matter what stage you are in whether it be waiting to graduate from school, waiting to be married, waiting to be a parent, waiting to buy a house, waiting, waiting, waiting…choose to be grateful for this time and be in the present.  And work at making the mundane glorious!

And for those who are going through a painful season, as hard as it is, don’t wish that away either.  God teaches us so much in our pain and struggles and I know I would not be the same person I am today if God had not allowed the pain and suffering that I have gone through.  You don’t have to be glad you are going through a rough season, but thank God for what He is teaching you through this and who He is making you into.  There is something to learn even in this and someday you can look back on it and catch a glimpse of what He was doing.  He is making you even more beautiful than you already are.  Take heart because He has overcome and He knows what He is doing.  I promise you it will be for your good and His glory <3  Be sorrowful, yet always rejoicing….  

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”  

1 Corinthians 10:31 

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 

2 Corinthians 4:17

Transition and How it Affects my Mental Health

I wanted to write a post about my mental health post-birth and as I thought about what to write, I thought it would be good to write about transitions and the fear of change whether that change is good or bad.  I wrote in a previous post about how fearful I was of how I would feel after I gave birth and how the hormones and the change and lack of sleep would affect my mental health. 

 I’ve struggled with anxiety for so long and battled with bouts of depression so I was fearful of what this new stage would bring.  So far, I have been so thankful because my mental health has been great.  I have not struggled with anxiety at all bringing a new baby home and with all that this entails.  This surprises me because in much less stressful and life-changing situations, I have been consumed with anxiety and it has often lead to depression.  

I do not know why I am feeling so well right now, but I am thankful.  This is not to say it has all been easy.  I have still struggled with the transition of life with a newborn and how this has changed my life.  Sometimes I wonder what I have done!  But I am thankful for this little life that God has entrusted Matt and I with.  

I have moments of being overwhelmed and fearful.  I often cry, but I know that it is normal in this time.  I am still fearful of the future and as good as I feel, it kind of scares me, because I wonder if it is just a temporary high that I will crash from soon.  I wonder how I will cope with being depressed and anxious and still having to care for a little life.  

Change is scary and it is something we can always worry about.  However, worrying about it does nothing for us.  That is something I have learned throughout this pregnancy and now taking care of my little boy.  I worried a lot about my mental health after.  I worried about the birth experience.  I worried about how my life would change forever once I had a baby.  So many people told me their scary birth stories, their easy birth stories, etc., and yet everyone’s journey is different and just because something happened to someone else, does not mean it will happen to me or you.  We can always be fearful of the future, but it doesn’t accomplish anything except rob us of our joy and peace in the present.  

I have clung to the fact that no matter what I face in any transition or stage of life that God is present and He will give me the grace and strength to face whatever comes my way.  Whether that be an easy birth or a difficult one.  Whether that be an easy recovery or a difficult one.  Whether my mental health is wonderful or whether it is not doing well. 

 I think my point of this post is just to encourage you not to worry about transition and change.  It is normal to be fearful of it, but know that God is present no matter what you are going through.  I will never be alone in whatever I face.  There is always joy and peace and comfort waiting for me in Him whether I can see it at the time or not.  Worry will just ruin my present and not accomplish anything for my future.  This is what I am clinging to in this present stage.  I do not know what the future holds, but I do know that God has been gracious to me so far and I know He will continue to be.  He wants what is best for me in every situation.  

The other day I was praying and was asking God for an easy night…that the baby would sleep and that I could get some rest.  However, I was convicted in that moment to not ask for what would be easy, but to pray that God would give me the strength to handle whatever would come that night.  Whether my night be easy or hard, I prayed that God would give me the grace, strength, and patience to face it, and that in His strength, I could make it through that night whatever it might bring.  I don’t think it was wrong to ask for sleep, but I would rather God grow my character and help me rise to the challenges of what comes my way whatever that may be, instead of asking for life to be easy.  In His strength, I can accomplish whatever He has set before me.  I do not need to be afraid.  I do not need to worry about the future.  He’s got this and therefore, so do I.  This is also my prayer for you. Have courage friend, you can face the transitions and unknowns of life and do not have to be consumed by fear.  You never know how it will turn out!  

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

-Matthew 6:25-34

Letter to my Son

Well I am potentially days or weeks away from having my little boy in my arms and I thought I should write one more post before the craziness of life with a newborn hits!  I didn't know what to write for this blog but I wrote a letter to my little guy months ago and I thought I would post it.  It doesn't exactly relate to mental health but I think a lot of what I wrote to him has come through my journey and my struggles with mental health, along with life lessons in general.  I truly hope that my life can be an example and testimony to him of where my hope lies and that no matter how I am feeling physically or emotionally, I can point him to Christ and model what I have learned thus far.  While I would never wish him to struggle with his mental health, I can honestly say that I would not wish away my struggles and pain because of what they have taught me and how God has used them to shape my character into someone I hope looks more like Christ.  So while I pray he does not suffer in the same way I have, if he does, I hope he can see the strength and beauty that has come from my journey and look to the same hope and comfort in the Lord.  Anyway, here is my letter and my prayers for this precious little one that God has gifted Matt and I with.  

To my sweet little boy,

Today I thought about you and I thought about what I want for you in life.  I thought about what all mothers must want for their children.  I thought about the future and about your hopes and dreams.  I thought about what I want you to do and be and about who you are.  My heart aches with the thought that you will be hurt and that you will suffer in life and that people will let you down and disappoint you.  I thought about how safe you are inside me right now, probably the safest you will ever be here on earth and how I long to protect you forever.  This fear is something that can paralyze me.  But then I thought about the pain I have experienced and the suffering that has come my way.  I thought about the people who have let me down and how no one here on earth can protect me from being hurt.  I remembered the One who holds my heart and who will never let me down.  I remembered who is always by my side whenever I feel alone.  I remember that all the suffering and pain I have experienced is under His control and is shaping me and making me into someone more beautiful and whole and free than I could ever have become on my own.  So this is my letter to you…this is my wish list and my prayer for you…

I do not wish for you happiness.  Happiness comes and goes, but what I do wish for you is joy.  Deep, lasting, uncontainable joy.  The joy that comes in the midst of suffering.  The joy that has nothing to do with momentary laughing and happiness, but has everything to do with the strength of the Lord and knowing that He has you in His grasp and will never let you go.  The joy that sees that every good and perfect gift comes from Him and then flows right back to Him in overwhelming praise.  The joy that bubbles up in an uncontrollable way when you see that He is good and He is true and He will work out every detail of your life for His glory and your good.

I do not wish for you monetary wealth.  I will always pray for you to be taken care of, but I pray that your wealth is so much more than riches.  I pray that you have wealth of character, wealth of wisdom, and wealth of peace.  I pray that you always seek to give more than you get.  I pray that you will treasure wisdom and grace above money and cars.  Although your Dad would be happy if you had a nice truck!  I pray that your wealth will be found in Heaven in the many treasures you have stored up above by honouring your God here on earth. 

I do not wish for you romantic love.  Oh, I do wish that you would find someone who would love and care for you and be a partner in your life and your faith.  But more than that, I wish that you would know the One that satisfies all desires and who will never let you down.  Even your romantic partner will fail you time and time again, but I want you to know the One who will never let you down.  The one who will never sin against you or leave you.  The one who sustains your every breath and knows your every thought.  I pray you know Him and love Him more than any other.

I do not wish for you success.  Of course I hope that everything you do, you do to the best of your ability.  That you put your heart into all you do and that you are not lazy.  I pray you work hard and pursue your passions and gifts.  But more than all that, I want you to be loving.  I want you to be successful in relationships.  To love those that hurt you, to forgive often and to share the hope that you have with those you meet.  I pray that all those who know you will know your strength and see your love.  I pray that you are honest and true.  That people will know that your word stands and that you say what you mean.  I pray that your character is what draws people to you and that your success in life is the lives you touch and not the things you accomplish.  

I do not wish for you health.  It will break my heart to see you sick or hurting.  I pray you do not have to suffer much physically.  However, I pray that more than having a healthy body, you have a healthy soul.  I pray that if you are sick, you turn to the One who can heal and you pray for that healing.  And I pray that if He chooses not to heal you in this life that you praise Him anyway.  I pray you embrace your suffering and you suffer well.   I pray that you look to the One who made you and realize that you can be whole even without a healed body.  I pray that in the physical trials that you experience, you draw closer to the One who will be shaping your soul and character through that illness.  Because while when physical health is terrible, it is one’s soul that can thrive and be healthier than anything you can imagine.  It is often in suffering and pain that we experience the most growth and it truly makes us more beautiful.  

I do not wish for you physical beauty.  Although I really think you will be quite the cutie!  It is so much more important what is on the inside than what is on the outside.  I pray you are kind and thoughtful and caring.  I pray your soul is what is beautiful, not your face.  Outward beauty is fading but inward lasts forever.  

I could go on and on, but these are what I am writing about today.  Above all else, I wish for you to know Jesus as your Lord and Saviour.  To love Him more than anything else.  To give your life in reckless abandon to Him and to be completely sold out to Him.  If this is who you are and this is your passion in life, it is all I could ever hope and dream for.  I love you so much now and I don’t even know you yet.  This is my prayer for you since before you were born.  This is my letter to you and my wishes for your life.  

Love you so much already,

Your Mom (so crazy I'm a mom!)

Feeling Well and Fear of the Future

I thought that I should write a blog post about my experience of feeling pretty good mental health-wise in this season and about how that has been such a blessing to me.  I touched on this in a previous blog but I am so thankful that this past season of six months has really been a great time of feeling far less anxiety and feeling relatively happy and in a good mood most of the time.  

I am really grateful for this time because I know what it is to feel really low and to feel like I will never be happy again.  It is so interesting to me because when I feel good, I often forget what it felt like to be sad and depressed and anxious.  It’s so easy to forget what we have learned in the dark times and to just get used to feeling good.  And the reverse is true as well.  When I am feeling down, I don’t remember what it was like to feel happy and joyful and content.  While feeling good is great and I wish it would last forever, I often have this fear hovering over me that I’m just waiting until the depression and the sadness and the anxiety hit again.  I know what that low feels like and when I’m in it, it is so hard.  I never want to be there again.  However, I know that most likely those times will come again. 

I try not to focus on that fear, but it hovers in the background just waiting to scare me.  One of the things that I try to remember is that feelings are feelings and they are not always true.  My feelings change often and they are not what I want to live my life by.  I am not a slave to how I feel.  Yes, I must be gentle with myself when I am feeling down and my feelings are something to be aware of.  I am thankful when I feel happy and content and secure, but I know that there will come a time when I am not happy, I am not content and I don’t feel secure.  However, I know that the God who was present in my happy times is still the same God that is there in my down times.  I may not always feel Him in the same way, but I have to trust that He is there and that He will get me through this down time again just as He has in the past.  I need to trust that what I saw in the light is present in the dark even when I cannot see.  This is my hope and this is what carries me through.  

And so when I am in these good times, I am so thankful to God for His grace to allow me to feel happiness and I savour those moments.  And when those dark times come again which I know they will, I can handle it and He will get me through them just as He has before.  I do not need to live in fear of when they will come.  This world is not my home and until I am home with Christ, I will experience depression and anxiety and sadness and pain.  While I don’t like this fact, it is okay because I am not alone and I have found that those times draw me closer to the One who loves me more than I can know.  These dark times grow my character and strength and cause me to depend on the One who made me.  He will never leave me and while He may give me more than I can handle alone, He never leaves me to handle it alone.  He always provides, always strengthens, always guides.  

This is what I’m focusing on today as I fear the future and I know that I am entering a new season in life.  I do not know what this new season holds, but I know that I am not alone and that I will make it through.  I do not need to live in fear of my depression and anxiety.  They may return, but I will be okay and who knows what else I will learn through them.  My prayer is the same for you.  Hold on to this hope.  You do not have to be alone or walk through your pain alone.  And when times are good, don’t forget who gave you those times and who loves you more than you can know.  Hold on to the memory of those times and know that they will come again and draw strength from them to get through the tough times.   

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”  Psalm 23:4

Contentment- Why It Is So Crucial To My Mental Health

Contentment- something we all long for and something that so often feels out of our reach.  We wonder when we will feel content and secure and happy.  We are always striving for ONE more thing.  When we get married, we will be content.  When we get a better job, we will be content.  When we have more money, we will be content.  There is always something more that we need to be content.  This is definitely a common struggle with humanity.  I know I have struggled with this, and I know it can affect my mental health quite a bit when I am never happy with what I have and am always wanting more or feeling anxious because I don’t have what I want.  

I know I have talked about this before, but I really believe having an attitude of gratitude is so essential to good mental health, and in making us more content and joyful.  There is always somebody who is going to have more and there is always more we can attain.  However, I really believe that no matter what we are going through or what we have, there are always people who have less and always ways that our lives could be worse.  This isn’t to minimize the hard times we go through.  Believe me, I have gone through some pretty tough times and it was so hard for me to be content or thankful through those times.  I’m not saying I got up and was so happy to be experiencing pain or struggle.  But throughout those times, I found it so helpful to remain thankful and to think of things that I was grateful for.  I really believe this helped my mental health at that time and in the long run.  

If you have been reading this blog, you know that I am a Christian and that my faith is the most important thing to me.  I don’t believe just being thankful can make me joyful and this solves all my problems.  My comfort and joy comes from knowing that God is in control and ultimately has given me the greatest gift of my life in the death and resurrection of His Son who died to save me from my sins.  This is always what I am most thankful for.  But I see the many ways in every day that God provides for me and always provides MORE than what I need.  He blesses me in so many ways and I have been seeing that so much in this season.  Money is very tight for us right now and yet I see God provide daily.  We have been able to cover our bills and even have more than we need.  In this season when we are expecting a new baby, my anxiety can be tempting me to think we can’t afford it and wonder how we will make it through.  And yet, we have been so blessed by so many people who have given us gifts of money, second-hand clothes and furniture, and brand-new items.  I can’t tell you how many times I have just broken down in tears because I am so overwhelmed by the love and generosity of people around, but mostly that all those gifts come from God.  

I have talked a few times about gratitude and contentment and joy in my posts, but I wanted to write about it again because I think it is so important.  I list five things I am thankful for each day and I know I have encouraged so many people to make this a practice.  At first it can be hard, but I promise you that the more you do it, even in the hard times, you can find so much to be thankful for.  I know this has made a huge difference in my mental health and has helped me to find joy and to rise out of those dark moods.  I sometimes feel grumpy and down and feel like everything is going wrong.  The dark cloud of depression and anxiety is over me and I do find that I can break the hold of that with gratitude and the contentment that flows out of that.  I’m not saying that this is a cure for depression or that my sadness or pain instantly goes away, but this is definitely one of the tools that I use to feel better and to encourage myself when I am having a difficult mental health day.  

One more thing I think is worth mentioning again because I know I mentioned it in another post, but I really believe it is that no matter what you have or where you are, you are always able to give and bless others.  You don’t need to have more money or time or resources or energy.  I firmly believe that at every stage, you are able to give in some way to someone else.  You may have to be creative and think of unique ways, but you can do it!  If you don’t have time, bless someone in need with a gift card or pay for the person ahead of you in line at the drive through.  If you don’t have money, give someone your time.  Babysit for a couple of hours so a tired mom can have a break, clean someone’s house if they are sick, bake a dessert or meal for someone who is busy or moving or who is sick.  Send a card or a text of encouragement.  There is always something we can do to help those around us and I promise you, that this will also benefit your mental health and get your mind off of yourself and on to those around you who may be suffering just as much, if not more than you.  

I truly believe we can be content, but I think it takes practice, redirecting our thinking, and a joy and confidence in knowing that God has already given us everything, so what more can we want?  Praying that you can find joy and contentment in whatever stage you are at in life right now- in the good seasons and in the difficult and painful ones.  I have been in both, and have experienced true joy, contentment and peace in both.  

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”  James 1:17

Pregnancy and Mental Health

I was hesitant to write about this because I wasn’t sure if it related to many people who read this blog, but it was a topic that kept coming to my mind these last seven months as I’ve been pregnant and how this change has affected my mental and physical health.  How my mental health would be when I was pregnant was always something that I worried about.  I had heard that often people who struggle with mental illness feel great during pregnancy because of all those lovely hormones!  I wasn’t too worried about how I would feel pregnant, but I was worried about the medication I was taking and if it would harm my baby.  This was something I struggled with and researched and asked for medical advice about.  I was encouraged to stay on my medication because it has a low risk for my baby and because if I was not doing well mentally and emotionally during pregnancy because I had gone off my meds, then my baby would be affected more.  I still worry a bit about this and hope I am not harming my baby, but I have to trust that I have done my best and listened to wise counsel and I pray my baby will not have any negative side effects once born.  

That being said, I have honestly felt so much better emotionally and mentally while pregnant.  My anxiety has diminished so much and I have even been able to do things that I was not able to do for years because they made me so anxious.  This has been wonderful, but it also scares me for after the baby is born.  I worry about whether I will crash once the hormones disappear from my body and if my anxiety and depression will come back worse than before.  I try not to dwell on this too much but it is something that crosses my mind.  I know there is nothing I can do to prevent this other than being aware and making sure that I take care of myself and also leaning on those around me for support.  I do feel that I am somewhat prepared for potential postpartum mental issues, because unlike some women who have never struggled with depression that end up with postpartum depression, I know what it is like to feel down and depressed and anxious and I know how to care for myself in that state.  I know that usually the feeling of depression will lift eventually and I just need to push through that time and do my best to care for myself and confide in those around me.  I believe God is in control and I know He will be with me during this time no matter what I face.  I may also continue to feel great for some time and I would be so thankful for that too, especially with the lack of sleep that I will most likely be experiencing!  

While the emotional and mental aspect has been great while I’ve been pregnant, the physical has not been fun!  I have been learning a lot through that and it has taught me to have more sympathy for those who deal with things like insomnia, nausea, aches and pains and chronic physical illness.  While I think I sympathized somewhat before because of my chronic mental illness, I have so much more respect and compassion now for the people who are suffering daily with physical illness.  For those people to continually get up and face each day knowing they have to experience that pain and suffering is overwhelming to me.  At least I know my physical suffering has an end and a wonderful outcome.  Many people suffer physically with no apparent cause or end in sight.  If that is you, I commend you and feel for you greatly.  You are so strong and resilient to keep getting up each and every day and doing what you inevitably have to do each day.  And to mothers who are pregnant and caring for other young children, I don’t know how you do it!  I can’t imagine caring for myself and little ones with the way I have been feeling.  

Anyway I just wanted to share a bit of what I have been feeling and learning through pregnancy over the past few months and how it has affected my mental and physical health.  I am so grateful for this experience even though it is hard and I am thankful it has allowed me to understand in a deeper way others’ struggles.  No matter what stage of life we are in, we have the opportunity to be growing and learning more about ourself, God and others.  I am thankful for this!  

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ."

Why Saying "No" and Practicing Self-Care Has Improved my Mental Health

This is a topic that I am continually learning about and growing in.  I can’t say that I have arrived at the place where I take perfect care of myself and I am doing great.  However, I can say that as the years have been passing, I think I am getting better at this balancing act.  I am a doer and I like to have lists and be organized.  I like to help people and I hate to let people down.  I experience a lot of guilt for so many reasons and I know that this is common for people who struggle with mental health as well as for many others who do not.  I’ve really been trying to slow down lately.  This is hard for me because I always have a list in my head and I can tend to get anxious when it isn’t done.  I can also have OCD tendencies when replaying over and over what I have to do and what I have not done.  I spoke a little bit about this in a past blog post, but I really have been trying to not let my lists control me and try to do what I can in a day and then leave the rest for another day.  The world will not fall apart if I do not clean my house or attend an event that I have no energy for that day.  I am trying to relax and spend time resting.  Sometimes it helps me to ignore a nonessential task that I have set for the day when I am feeling exhausted and just go to bed, or read a book, or watch a show on Netflix.  I’ve realized that that task can be done another day and the world will not end if I do not accomplish it that day.  This is hard on my brain though because I feel guilty not doing it.  I feel lazy or like I have failed in some way.  This is my faulty thinking and sometimes if I feel that, I purposely put off the task for another day just to help myself learn that it is ok to rest and that the guilt or failure that I feel is not justified.  

Another thing that I have been learning is that it is ok to say no to some things.  Just because something is a good thing does not mean that it is the right thing for me to do at this particular time.  I think often we feel that if we are asked to do something or serve in some way that we have to say yes.  That is what being a good person, good Christian, good friend, good wife, etc. is.  I disagree.  I think when these opportunities come up, we really have to analyze whether they are the right thing for us and if this is the right time.  Sometimes it might be a great thing for us to do but it is the wrong time based on our responsibilities and what is going on in our lives at the moment.  Sometimes it is a wonderful opportunity or something that really needs to be done, but we aren’t the right people to do it.  I think we often feel like if there is a need, we must step up and fill that need right away.  Sometimes this may be true, but other times, we may be saying yes to something that isn’t right for us, something that will just drain us and deplete us.  Also, when we take on something that isn’t right for us, we aren’t allowing the right person for the job to step up, or we are filling our lives with something else so that we are not able to say yes to the next thing that we are actually supposed to be doing.  This is why I have realized that sometimes saying “No” to something is actually the healthiest thing for me.  

Life is full of choices, of saying yes and no to things.  Sometimes it is really hard to know what we are supposed to say yes or no to.  For me, I take some time to pray about these decisions and wait for God to guide me in one way or another.  I also ask wise people who I trust around me to help me make these decisions.  I have been seeing lately how helpful it is when I take time to slow down and rest, to leave my to do list undone, and to say no to certain things that aren’t right for me at this time.  

Self care is so important and I know that as much as I love to work and be with people and accomplish things on my to do list, I know that I also need to rest and relax and do things that fill me up.  I must be filled up before I can pour out.  If I am empty, I am no good to anyone and my mental, physical and spiritual health suffers.  

Everyone needs to practice self-care but especially those of us who struggle with mental health.  We are often more fragile emotionally and can’t always handle what people who do not struggle with mental health can handle.  My encouragement to you today is this…please take the time to stop what you are doing and rest.  Say no to something that you don’t think is the right fit for you at this time.  This can even mean not going to a social event or hanging out with a friend on a particular day.  I can’t tell you how many times I or a friend of mine has cancelled hanging out because they need to rest or they aren’t feeling well.  It’s ok to take that time for yourself and to care for yourself.  The people who really love you and really know you will understand.  

Do something that fills you up!  We all need that and if you don’t take the time, you will end up paying for it.  Take it from someone who is still learning but who is seeing the benefits of this.  You won’t regret it!  It can be hard at first, but like any skill, it is learned and you will get better at it.  Keep at it!  

"Be still, and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

It's Ok...

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic lately.  So often in life we compare ourselves to others.  We compare ourselves in every way…material possessions, beauty, intelligence, physical fitness, Godliness, etc.  I think when you are someone who struggles with mental illness, you often wonder why you have to be the way you are.  If only you were physically healthier..if only you were able to cope with what it seems like everyone else can cope with…if only you didn’t have to deal with the things you are dealing with…life would be so much better.  I just want to say…it’s ok to be you.  

Yes, living with depression, anxiety, OCD, any number of mental health struggles are definitely a challenge and yes, it would be so much easier to live life without them.  However, you were made the way you were for a reason.  We all have struggles in our lives, no one is excluded from that.  There is pain and suffering here on earth and I so long for the day when that is no more.  But today…we are here…I am here.  And I am me..and that is ok.  

No, I’m not like everyone else.  I work part-time because I need the time off to recover from the time I spent working.  Not everyone understands this and I deal with other people’s confusion over that alot.  I get stress headaches sometimes after being out with people all day.  When I have a busy day, I need time at home by myself to recover.  I can’t always do everything I set out to do in a day because my body or my mind won’t let me.  I can’t tell you how often I am extremely frustrated by this.  But you know what, I think this lifelong struggle is good for me.  It teaches me to rest when I need it.  It teaches me self-care and the importance of saying, “No” to people when I need to.  But most of all, it teaches me to rely on God because I know that it is DAILY His strength that gets me through.  

On those days when I wake up and I already feel exhausted and my day just seems like it is looming ahead of me, I know that God will give me the strength, health and ability to accomplish what He has for me to do that day.  That does not mean that MY to do list always gets done.  Often what I had planned for the day does not work out.  I plan my steps but the Lord directs my path and for that I am so thankful.  He knows if I need to rest during the day.  He knows if I need to spend time with a certain person that day.  He knows all and I don’t.  He loves me and He loves me just the way I am.  If I compare to this person or that person, I will never measure up in every way.  That is a sure way to be discouraged and hopeless every day.  I am me with every flaw and every beauty and I can’t be anyone else.  

Lately, I have really been praying that each day I accomplish what God has set out for me that day.  I pray that what needs to be done will get done, and that I will have the energy and strength to do that.  I also pray that even though I have many goals and plans for the day that His ways are better and that every absolute MUST will be accomplished.  And if it isn’t accomplished then I guess it wasn’t meant for today.  And that’s ok!  God has really been showing me lately that usually everything that needs to be done gets done, it’s just not always in my timing.  Ahh the humility that brings.  

So my encouragement to you is this….BE YOU!  That is the best person you can be.  Don’t compare yourself to others.  Mental illness really isn’t fun, but everyone is struggling with something and be thankful that your struggle can cause you to rely more on the One who is in control, because even when you think you are in control, that is not the case, my friend.  Be kind to yourself.  Slow down.  Take a nap if you need to.  Recharge and make sure that you are able to do the really important things that God has planned for you to do that day.  He will give you the strength and energy to do what you need to.  He always has for me.  So remember whatever you feel like you are failing at today, be thankful you are you and know that it is all ok.  Being you is ok.  Actually even better than ok, you are the best thing you can be!  

Much love from someone who is constantly being reminded of this very same truth.