I really don’t know what to write today. I’m trying to think of what I can say to describe my journey over the last two months, but I’m really struggling to know what to say. I think what I have been trying to focus on over the last year is that God is good no matter what. No matter what I am going through or what happens to me, God is good. So as I suffer in this life, everything I go through has to be filtered through that lense. There is a purpose in my suffering. It will produce Christlikeness in me if I am seeking that.
It has been two months since I have stopped my medication and then was put on another one. The last two months have been pretty awful both physically and emotionally. I keep hoping I will feel better, but so far, I have stayed the same or it feels like things are getting worse. I’m starting to get discouraged and am wondering if I will ever feel healthy and well again. I have no appetite and feel sick most of the time. I am not sleeping well and that makes functioning well pretty difficult. I am quite anxious and restless and so, so tired. I am not functioning at the level I am used to and that is discouraging. I really feel like I have no strength to go on.
However, in all that, I still believe that God is good. I do not believe that He is hovering over me watching me disengaged and uninterested in what I am going through. I know that He is present and I have felt His presence this entire time. I am so thankful that I have the hope of knowing that this is under His control and that no matter what happens, He’s got this. He knows how I am feeling and He gives me exactly what I need to make it through each day. I am constantly amazed by the ways that He ministers to me in the exact way that I need it when I need it. I know I am lifted up in prayer by so many and these struggles make me run to Him even more in prayer. I know I am surrounded by so many who care and love me. I am also very often in prayer for others because I know what it is to suffer and I know how important prayer is.
I hope that in time, my suffering will end and that my medication issues will be figured out and that I will be healthy again both mentally and physically. However, if that never happens and I live the rest of my life sick and unwell, I believe that God is still good and that He still cares for me. He will give me the strength to get through each day and He is using this pain and suffering for a greater purpose. He is still good. And He has still given the ultimate and greatest gift in His Son, my Saviour, so I know that this suffering is only temporary. At the end of my life whenever that is, I will not suffer anymore. I will be with Him and my mind and my body will be perfectly healthy and joyful. This is the hope I hold on to. This is what gives me strength. He is still good, no matter my situation, He is still good.
This is a song we have started singing in church and I listen to it often right now.
“When the night is holding on to me, God is holding on.”
