Living with the tension of sickness

I was thinking about what I wanted to write about this week and was having a hard time knowing what to share and how I could encourage others by my words.  Honestly, I’m having a hard time adjusting to new medication and it’s hard to function normally and live well.  I so long to feel at peace and feel well again.  I pray this struggle is only for a short time as I figure out medications and dosages and all that, but it’s hard to stay positive and continue to be thankful amidst these circumstances.  

Even as I write this, I know there are people who are way sicker than me and struggling way more.  Not that this minimizes what I am going through, but I do acknowledge that I have a lot to be thankful for.  I am thankful for medication that can help make my life easier.  I am thankful for our health care system, though not perfect, so much better than so many other places around the world.  I am thankful for kind friends and family who pray and support me in many ways.  

I am really trying to do all I can to take care of my body and rest, but it is so hard.  I want to be able to do all I could do before when I was feeling well, but I can’t.  I want to give and share and help others, but I only have so much energy and strength to give right now.  This is such a struggle for me, because I love people and serving and often don’t know my limits of how much to do, be, etc.  

And then I struggle with guilt.  I didn’t do such and such today so I failed, or I couldn’t get together with this person so I feel like a bad friend.  It’s so hard not to make myself feel worse because of this guilt, but I know that it is not from God.  I know I have to take care of myself right now especially, but all the time as well.  There is only so much God has called me to do and I shouldn’t be doing what He hasn’t set aside for me to do.  He has called someone else to do that.  

These are just some thoughts that have been going through my head these last couple of weeks as I live in the tension of not being extremely ill but also not being well.  I am a perfectionist and can be so hard on myself and I’m trying to let that go.  It’s not easy, but I have to continually remind myself that I am perfect and loved by God just as I am.  He has redeemed me and there is nothing more I can do to be worthy of His love.  Yes, I still need to live for Him and honour Him with my life, but I cannot earn His love.  

I am so thankful for this.  And in some ways being sick reminds me of this.  I am not able to do all I can normally do.  I have to take it easy and relax.  I have to rely on God for the strength to get me through each day and I have to trust Him that He will give me the energy to do what He wants me to do each day.  All the other things can wait.  So I didn’t clean my kitchen today, or workout, or even shower, but I am still worthy.  I am still loved.  And if today was a hard day and all I did was breathe and make it through, that is ok.  God is present and He knows and I am so thankful for that.  So I pray that can encourage you too.  Whether you are a perfectionist or not, whether you are sick or not, whether life is great or not.  You are loved, just as you are, nothing to prove.  

I read this verse today and changed the pronoun from he to she, but it encouraged me so much and I’m going to memorize it this month.  

Psalm 91:14-16

“Because she loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue her; I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name.  She will call on me, and I will answer her; I will be with her in trouble, I will deliver her and honour her.  With long life I will satisfy her and show her my salvation.”

Where is God when I'm suffering?

This is such a tough question and something that I think that most of us who struggle with any kind of suffering have to deal with.  Where is God in my pain?  Why did He allow this?  I will never be able to fully answer this question, but I can share my own personal experience of dealing with suffering and wrestling through this issue.  

I have been going through some tough stuff with my mental health over the past few weeks.  I went off of one medication because the doctors and psychiatrists I had seen had suggested another medication might be better for me.  The diagnosis of bipolar disorder that I had been given years ago did not seem to fit for me and a few of the specialists I saw were questioning it.  They suggested I try going off of the medication I was on and see if I could cope without a medication, and if I did need something to help with my anxiety, I could go on something that would help with that.  This was all very confusing to me as I had pretty much accepted that I had bipolar disorder and would have to be on medication all of my life.  Now all of a sudden, I could potentially be off everything and function on my own.  This was exciting, but also a scary decision to make as I could react very negatively if I went off my medication, and I did have bipolar disorder.  Anyway I decided to risk it to see if I could function without medication.  I knew that God would care for me no matter the outcome and would carry me throughout this whole journey.  

Honestly, the past few weeks have been some of the hardest times of my life.  After I was off my medication which helped some with anxiety, my anxiety came on with a vengeance and I could barely cope.  I had no idea why this was happening, and why, when I was trying to do everything right and care for myself the best I could, I could not control this anxiety and live a normal life.  I had awful physical and emotional symptoms and everyday was a struggle to get up and do what I had to do.  I’m still going through this difficult time and although it is getting better, I still struggle to understand why this is happening.  I am back on another medication that helps with anxiety and my body is still adjusting to it.  As much as I wanted to be off medication, it looks as though I need it to function normally.  I am coming to terms with this, and I am thankful that there is something to help me cope.    

However, all that aside, God has never been more present or stopped caring for me every minute of every day.  He has surrounded me with people who have been praying for me daily and I have felt that prayer.  He has given me a supportive husband and a wonderful family who never stopped serving me practically.  He has provided me with so many sweet friends who daily texted me checking in on me, or spent time with me giving me that strength I needed to make it through my days.  So where is God when I am suffering?  He is there.  I may not always feel Him but I know that He is there.  He always gives me exactly what I need when I need it, and He always gives me His strength to do what I need to do.  He provides over and above what I need.  Does this mean that it is easy?  Not at all.  Most days are still a struggle and it is unbearable at times.  Do I understand why I have to suffer in this way at this time?  No, however, I believe that what I am going through is making me a stronger person and someone who is more like Christ.  I am able to minister to others in different ways because of what I have gone through and what I am going through.  I know that what He allows is for my good and His glory.  And honestly, if I can encourage one person as I suffer, it is worth it.  I pray often that I suffer well and with grace.    

So to those of you who are suffering.  Trust me, God knows and He is there.  It may not always feel like it, but He loves you so much more than you know and He will give you the grace to make it through your suffering.  Christ suffered more than we ever will, and He knows what we are going through.  Take comfort in that!  And when you come out the other side, by His grace, you will be more like Him and hopefully more loving and compassionate to others.  You are not alone!       

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:18