Joyful, yet Mourning

I've had a rough week to be honest.  I'm really struggling with being pregnant, feeling so sick all the time and having low energy and exhaustion.  I'm a pretty high energy person who likes to keep busy and it's always a struggle for me when I feel like I can't get out of bed and do what I want to do.  Also, being pregnant with a toddler is a whole other game and it's rough!  Barely functioning myself while still having to care for a little human is a new level of sacrifice for me and it's been really stretching me.  I'm also finding myself more hormonal and emotional, and my anxiety has been bothering me a bit more than usual these days.  

I don't write all this to complain but I was talking to a sweet friend this week who encouraged me by letting me know that it is okay to mourn even when you are thankful for what you have.  I am so thankful for my little boy and to be blessed to carry a second baby this far.  I know there are many women who struggle with fertility and getting/staying pregnant and that has not been my experience.  I am so thankful for the gift of pregnancy.  But thats not to say, it isn't so so hard for me and one of the hardest things I have had to do...twice!  I remember when I used to pray for what I have now and so many times I find myself in tears because I feel so blessed with what I have been given.  

That being said, just because I am thankful and can rejoice in that doesn't mean that I can't also lament and express how hard this journey has been.  No matter what your life experience is and what you have been through or what you have been given in life, it doesn't change the fact that you are allowed to express when something is difficult or trying for you.  You shouldn't feel guilty for that or be told that you should just suck it up and be thankful.  While it may be true that I should be thankful, we all need people to listen to us in the low times and be there to sit with us in the dark.  Find those people you can be honest with and keep them close! 

I keep telling myself that this is just a season and I will get through it.  Hopefully I only have about 5 more weeks of pregnancy left, and then the postpartum journey begins which also really scares me!  I have no idea what this pandemic will be like then and how I will be a mother to two little ones.  I'm scared for my body after birth and how healing will be, and also how my mental health will be at that time.  I'm choosing to trust God and just leave all of that up to Him but it's still scary.  I'm continually reminding myself to surrender it to Him, and I know that He will carry me through no matter what happens.  And for now, I've been listening to this song on repeat!  It has been really encouraging to me and helping me muster up the energy to keep going some days.  Please listen <3

UpperRoom- Surrounded (Fight My Battles)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx6mfAgHDsY