When the Darkness Doesn't Lift

It feels strange writing about this topic when the last post I wrote was about thriving.  I guess that can be the way mental illness goes.  One day you feel really great and you feel like all is going well and then the next day, it can completely switch and you feel like you’re drowning, desperately trying to keep your head above the water, just trying to make it through each day.  When I feel like this, I often get discouraged and wonder why my life has to be this way.  So up and down, not steady.  Whether you have mental illness or not, life is full of ups and downs.  So how do we cope?  For me, having the hope that I am not alone is so comforting.  I belong to a God who cares about each up and down and who will never leave me.  I also have family and friends who consistently lift me up in prayer and support me with words and acts of love. 

I think for me remembering that this will not last forever is comforting.  This too shall pass.  I may feel down and anxious and sad, but this feeling does ebb and flow.  Often with anxiety and depression, your mood goes up and down, but you do have good days along with the bad.  I cling to those good days and try to remember them when I am in the haze of a dark day.  

I think I wrote about it in an earlier post, but I also try to remember that just because I may not feel happy today doesn’t mean that I don’t have deep, lasting joy.  Joy is different, because it is not a feeling.  It doesn’t come and go.  The joy of the Lord is my strength and that will never change no matter what I am going through.  I think sometimes it can seem like we are faking it if we focus on the positive and we are trying to rejoice in all circumstances.  I read this verse this week and it brought me to tears because as hard as it is, it is so true.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”  This is a command and is often not easy to do, especially when your life may be falling apart around you.  However, I have found that when I cultivate an attitude of gratitude and focus on what I have to be thankful for and bring all my struggles and concerns to God, He meets me where I am at.  He truly does care that I am not doing well.  He really does care that my heart is broken, but He lifts my head and helps me see all that He has done for me and all that He is doing through this broken situation even right here and now.  There is a purpose for this pain.  There is a reason.  He knows and He is working.  I can rejoice in all circumstances.  Not on my own, but by continually coming to Him in prayer and asking Him to help me see it the way He sees it.  There will be an end to this pain.  Hopefully here on earth as it comes and goes, but ultimately in the future when I am with Him for eternity.  I must keep my eyes focused on that.  This is truth that keeps me going.  This is truth that gives me joy even when I am not happy.  This gives me hope when I am fighting each day just to survive.  And I hope that I will thrive again, but when I am just surviving, it also keeps me clinging to the One who gets me through each day.  I can never do this on my own strength, but through the One who made me and gives me breath each day.  So each day, I’ll get up and be thankful for another day, as dark as it is.  And on these days, I will hope that maybe tomorrow will be brighter.  And I’ll cling to the hope that one day there will be no more tears or suffering for me.  This is what gets me through when the darkness won’t lift.  

This is a song I have been listening to often lately.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jv8IqJm6q7w

Don't Just Survive, Thrive!

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.  The idea that we aren’t meant to just survive life, but thrive in life.  This doesn’t mean that we don’t go through periods in our life where we are just surviving.  I know that phase well.  However, I believe we can have joy and peace and hope here on earth and I believe God has given us so many blessings and resources to help us do this.  I do think this idea is very dependent on our outlook on life and how we view the adversity and pain that will inevitably come into our lives.  

This season of my life has been extremely painful.  Struggles with mental and physical health, job loss and financial insecurity, being in situations where I have had to forgive and love people who have treated my family and myself unfairly, watching people I love suffer and die, and then just being exposed to so many other people’s pain and struggles.  This year has been a hard one.  There have been periods during this time that I am just struggling to survive each day.  However, I want to also see God’s sovereignty and purpose in this pain.  I want to rejoice in all circumstances and realize that whatever happens in my life is for God’s glory and my good.  These struggles and losses can make me stronger and more joyful.  They can make me more loving and more hopeful.  And I see that.  Not in my own strength, but in the strength that God has given me in my weakness.  

One aspect of this for me and my mental and physical health has been in the provision of medication in the form of an antipsychotic.  This has been somewhat of a struggle for me to accept over the years, but I really do see this medication as a gift from God.  I know what this summer was like for me off of the right medication, and I see how well I am doing now.  I am thriving.  This did not come easily and took time for me to figure out the right medication and dosage and have my body get used to it.  But knowing what I know now, I am so thankful I was given this medication.  

I talk to a lot of people about this and I hear them as they struggle with the idea of taking medication.  So many people are suffering with mental health issues and there is still this stigma that we don’t want to take medication.  I DO not agree with just taking medication and it being a quick fix and that being the only aspect that we address about our health.  I firmly believe we also need to be doing counselling and educating ourselves on our unhealthy and distorted thinking patterns.  We may have sin issues to address or physical areas that need work- eating healthier, exercise, regular sleep patterns.  We are holistic people and we need to address ALL areas of our health.  Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual- these are all important.  If you have a chemical imbalance in your brain, you WILL NOT get better just by counselling.  God can heal us and He may choose to do that with some people, but that may also not happen.  If you had a thyroid issue or diabetes, would you refuse to take medication because you can go to counselling and somehow your blood sugar and thyroid levels will change?  I don’t think so.  

These are just my words of encouragement to those of you struggling through this issue.  Especially to Christians who feel that somehow they are not trusting God enough or praying enough.  Yes, you probably do need to do that more, we all do!  But maybe trusting God would be using what He has provided you with in the forms of our free healthcare system, our doctors and psychiatrists, and all the medications we have access to.  It is definitely hard to accept that we need to take a medication to make us feel normal or well.  I have struggled through this too.  But I firmly believe that God has given me this medication to help me thrive!  I have seen how I am off of it and He used that to grow me too.  But on this medication, I feel more like myself, I have more energy, I can give more of myself to others and am able to serve in ways I could not when I was just surviving.  

So we can still experience God’s joy and strength and peace in the midst of our struggles.  And He does want us to thrive!  That is His desire for us and that is not to say all of life is easy and happy and fun.  But He does always provide for us and give us what we need to make it through in His strength.  

Let me encourage you, if this is something you are struggling through, take heart, because I know the feeling.  And I’m not saying medication will heal you and make all your problems go away.  I have done some intense group therapy and counselling and spent a lot of time before God in prayer and examining myself, but I do need medication and that is not something that at this point will ever change.  I can hope and pray for healing, but at this time, this medication is my healing.  

So if you have any questions or want to talk to me about it, please ask away!  I want everyone to THRIVE and not just SURVIVE.  And it may not be medication that you need, maybe it is counselling or dealing with something in your life.  But if it is medication that you think you may need, please don’t be afraid to try it or think you are any less of a person or Christian because of it.  And be patient because all healing takes time.  Whether it be counselling or group therapy or medication, it all takes time to work.  But God is there throughout it all, and I believe He is working for our good.  Please use what He has given you.  

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”  Romans 8:28

The Reason for My Hope

“And when I cannot stand, I’ll fall on you.

  Jesus, You’re my hope and stay”

       As I was thinking about what to write about for this post, I was continually struck with the topic of hope and where I find mine.  I know in my own journey, I would not be where I am today without my faith and personal relationship with Christ.  I think we all have ways of coping with what we are going through and we all put our hope in something.  I wanted to write this post to share what I put my hope in and what I believe is the only answer to our struggles in this world.  Not everyone may agree with me and that is okay.  We all have our choice in what we choose to hope in.  I cannot force anyone to agree with me and I don’t want to!  I just want to share what has given me hope and what is the one thing that has given my life meaning.  

My relationship with Christ is what gives me hope.  Without Christ and what He has done for me, I would have no reason to keep living, or to keep living well.  I have been in the depths of depression and I know what that is like.  I have been overwhelmed with anxiety and didn’t think I could wake up and face another day.  It was because Christ held on to me and kept me going that I was able to find His strength to carry on.  Everything I am, He has made.  Sometimes I catch myself thinking I’m a pretty good person, and He must be pretty thankful He’s got me on His team.  Then I’m overwhelmed with the realization that I have done nothing to deserve His love and grace.  All the good in me and everything I have ever done is because of Him and through His strength.  I don’t deserve anything in this life, but, God, in His grace and mercy, has given me so much.  It is because of Him that I can wake up each day and experience life.  It is because of Him that I have a home and food to eat and family and friends to share it with.  It is because of Him that I have medication to help me function and cope daily.

It breaks my heart to hear people talk about their struggles in life.  Their anxiety and depression, their physical health deteriorating, their broken relationships, the pain of death and separation from those we love.  There is so much pain and suffering in this world and how do we reconcile it?  How do we get up and live each day without losing all hope?  How do we offer hope and healing to these hurting people?  My only answer is Christ.  I have seen Christ heal and give strength.  I have seen Him restore broken relationships.  I have seen Him work in my own life in so many ways.  He is the reason I can wake up each day and be thankful for what I have in my life and not focus on what I don’t have.  He is the reason I have hope and know that no matter what, He is there, He is in control, and He is working all things out for my good and His glory.  He is the reason I can love and forgive even when someone has wronged me and acted unjustly.  He is the reason I do not fear tomorrow, because I know He will always provide.  I know that no matter what happens, I do not need to worry because He is my strength and my hope.  If the worst happens, He is still there and He will give me the strength to get through it.  All this to say, I still struggle with fear and anxiety, but Christ gives me the strength to keep going and not to let my worries overwhelm me.    

This summer has probably been one of the worst times of my life, and yet, He has given me such strength and joy amidst the pain. He has carried me through and I know He will never let go.  Through job loss, financial insecurity, the pain of watching someone I love suffer and die, my own physical and mental sickness, and family struggles, God has been there and held me close.  He provided in every way needed and I truly believe I am stronger and more loving than I was six months ago.  Could I have done this without Him?  I don’t think so, but even if somehow I managed to make it through all of that on my own, I would have come out bitter, angry and cynical, not more loving, thankful and joyful.    

So what do I put my hope in?  I put my hope in Christ alone, who has died for me, the worst of all sinners.  Not by anything I have done to earn this, but by His grace alone.  So I encourage you, if you do not have a hope like this, consider it.  It is truth.  I’m always happy to talk about my faith and my struggles so please ask away!  I am broken, and I believe that sharing in one another’s brokenness and pointing one another to truth is what can help us heal.  I’m praying for you!   

I’ve listened to this song almost daily lately.  

Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuvfMDhTyMA

We need vulnerability

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” -Timothy Keller

There is something so comforting about being heard and understood.  Something so healing about hearing someone say they know exactly how you are feeling and being right there in the midst of all your brokenness with you.  We are all broken, and those who don’t admit it are just better at hiding it.  

As I’ve been dealing with many painful life situations this summer, I would say that what has kept me sane, besides my faith and my relationship with God, has been those around me who have listened to me vent and express my anger, those who have cried with me as I cried, and those who have accepted me unconditionally when I didn’t have anything together.  These people have come alongside me and been my comfort and I believe that is so crucial in life and especially essential for Christians.  We need people to ask us how we are and really listen for the response.  We need to be open when asked how we are, to be free to respond with, “I’m not okay and I’m really struggling right now.”  This is vulnerability, this is honesty, and this is healing.

I know how much this has meant to me, and I want this to be how others feel around me.  To know that they can be completely honest with me.  To express how much life hurts sometimes and to admit that they are a mess.  I want them to know that I’m a mess too, but it’s ok.  We are all broken, but that does not mean we are defeated.  In Christ, we have victory and He will give us the strength to make it through what life throws at us.  However, in the messiness of life, we need each other to lean on, to cry with, to process life together and to be honest about how we feel and what we need.  My hope is that we can be this way for each other.  Because when we open up and are honest with one another that is healing.  For ourselves and for others.  

In the last week, I’ve talked to several dear friends who are struggling with painful life issues like eating disorders, depression and anxiety, poor health, struggles in their marriage, job loss, etc.  Life is painful and we are all broken and struggling.  If things are going well now, its only a matter of time before something falls apart.  This is the world we live in.  But take heart!  God has overcome the world, and He has given us the power to as well.  And I pray He enables us to be Christ to the broken, to be courageous and speak the truth, and to love deeper than we ever thought possible.  We are all broken and we need one another desperately.  So find someone safe to be vulnerable  with, and make sure that you are that safe person for others too.  This is my prayer for you all!    

I was listening to this song the other day and it was just perfect to include in this blog!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdmgpMfnjdU

The Servant Song

Will you let me be your servant

Let me be as Christ to you

Pray that I might have the grace

To let me be your servant too

We are pilgrims on the journey

We are brothers on the road

We are here to help each other

Walk the mile and bear the load

I will hold the Christ light for you

In the night time of your fear

I will hold my hand out to you

Speak the the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping

When you laugh, I'll laugh with you

I will share your joy and sorrow

Till we've seen this journey through.

When we sing to God in heaven

We shall find such harmony

Born to all we've known together

Of Christ's love and agony

Finding Peace Amidst the Chaos

This summer has been one of the most challenging and heart-wrenching times of my life.  There have been so many things that have happened all in a short amount of time and all big enough to deal with on their own, let alone all of it happening together.  Despite all of this, I can say that I have found peace throughout it all.  It has not been painless, quite the opposite, and most of it has not made sense to me, but God and I have had lots of time to talk it over, and despite me not understanding what is happening, I trust Him in it all.  

There have been moments I’ve felt like everything is in chaos.  My health, my family, my work life, my home…and yet in those moments, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace.  Peace that I can’t explain.  Peace that just flowed from a Divine source, assuring me He was still there.  Life is still good, He is still good.  

Sometimes I would start to feel proud, thinking hey I’m still going, I must be pretty strong, and then I would realize, the only way I’m making it through all of this is because there is one who is stronger and wiser and greater than me, sustaining me in His strength.  I really could not do this on my own.  Most days I didn’t know how I would get through the day, how I could handle anymore.  I just wanted to let go of life here on earth and be with Christ, whole and healthy and free from all this suffering and pain.  Honestly, sometimes life just sucks…and you know what?  In a way, that’s ok with me.  It makes me long for something more.  It makes me long for my future in Heaven, and it makes me look ahead to that day when all will be made new on earth and there will be no more suffering or pain or death or hurt.  

That being said, getting through the sucky times here on earth is excruciating, but that is why I am so glad there is hope.  I am so glad that there can be peace amidst the chaos.  I am so thankful to know that in my darkest moments, God is good and He is there and He is giving me just what I need to make it through those moments.  He will give you that too.  Cry out to Him, He will save you.  

Isaiah 35:4

“Say to those with fearful hearts, ’Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, He will come with vengeance; with divine retribution. He will come to save you’.”

This song came to mind as I was writing this- “He Will Come and Save You” by Bob Fitts

Say to those who are fearful hearted

Do not be afraid

The Lord your God will come

And with His mighty arm

When you call on His Name

He will come and save you

Chorus:

He will come and save you

He will come and save you

Say to the weary one

Your God will surely come

He will come and save you

He will come and save you

Lift up your eyes to Him

You will arise again

He will come and save you

Say those who are broken hearted

Do not lose your faith

The Lord your God will come

And with His loving hand

When you call on His Name

He will come and save you

Bridge:

He is our refuge in the day of trouble

He is our shelter in the time of storm

He is our tower in the day of sorrow

Our fortress in the time of war

We are not meant to suffer alone

As I’m walking my through my own journey of suffering, one of poor health and many unknowns, I am also watching others walk through their journeys of suffering and pain.  One thing that won’t leave my mind is that we were not meant to suffer alone.  As painful as it is to suffer, it is just unbearable to do it alone.  And as painful as it is to watch someone we love suffer, it is so essential that we come alongside them and enter into their suffering with them.  It is such a beautiful thing to enter into someone else’s suffering and be present with them through their pain.  To hold someone’s hand as they are dying a slow and painful death, to hug them and not be able to offer anything but your presence and your tears.  To comfort with your presence means more than we will ever know.  Everything in me wants to run the opposite direction when I see pain and suffering and unbearable hurt.  I don’t know what to say, I don’t want them to see me cry.  I don’t know what to do.  It is so uncomfortable.  And yet, I think it is the most beautiful and precious thing to sit by their side and though I may not know what to say or do, I can be present and show my love by entering into their suffering and pain.  

I have my own suffering and right now it is almost more than I can bear.  But there are people around me that I love dearly that are suffering more than me.  Sometimes I think I can’t go on another day, I can’t watch this suffering anymore.  And yet, I know that is not for me to decide.  All I can do is choose to show up and be there for that person.  Sure I can pray for them and that means so much, but I also need to put my faith into action and even though it is unbearably painful for me, I need to enter into other’s suffering and suffer with them.  Even when all I can do is sob uncontrollably and my heart breaks beyond what I think I can handle.  

There is so much pain and brokenness in this life and it is hard to watch.  It is even harder when it affects you and those you love.  We are all broken and we are all in need of people to suffer with us when we suffer.  We are not meant to do this alone.  Whether we are suffering physically, mentally, spiritually, whatever we are facing, we are not meant to do it alone.  And no matter what, we are never alone when we have Christ.  He is always there, even when people fail us, which they will.  We always have a hope in Christ.  That is my comfort.  

So please, don’t run the other way when those around you are suffering.  Run to them, comfort them, sit with them, cry with them, enter into their pain.  Because as painful as it is for you, it means more than you know and in the end, you will be glad you were a part of that journey.  Not only for what it teaches you but also for what it gives to them.  Christ is always with us, so let’s embody Christ to those around us, let’s be his hands and feet in this world.   Because I know He would be holding the hand of the dying person you know, He would be sitting with those who are broken and alone and hurting, He would be not be afraid of discomfort if it meant comfort for someone else. He is close to the broken hearted and lonely and suffering.  Let us do the same.    

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

Galatians 6:2

And still, He is good.

I really don’t know what to write today.  I’m trying to think of what I can say to describe my journey over the last two months, but I’m really struggling to know what to say.  I think what I have been trying to focus on over the last year is that God is good no matter what.  No matter what I am going through or what happens to me, God is good.  So as I suffer in this life, everything I go through has to be filtered through that lense.  There is a purpose in my suffering.  It will produce Christlikeness in me if I am seeking that.  

It has been two months since I have stopped my medication and then was put on another one.  The last two months have been pretty awful both physically and emotionally.  I keep hoping I will feel better, but so far, I have stayed the same or it feels like things are getting worse.  I’m starting to get discouraged and am wondering if I will ever feel healthy and well again.  I have no appetite and feel sick most of the time.  I am not sleeping well and that makes functioning well pretty difficult.  I am quite anxious and restless and so, so tired.  I am not functioning at the level I am used to and that is discouraging.  I really feel like I have no strength to go on.

However, in all that, I still believe that God is good.  I do not believe that He is hovering over me watching me disengaged and uninterested in what I am going through.  I know that He is present and I have felt His presence this entire time.  I am so thankful that I have the hope of knowing that this is under His control and that no matter what happens, He’s got this.  He knows how I am feeling and He gives me exactly what I need to make it through each day.  I am constantly amazed by the ways that He ministers to me in the exact way that I need it when I need it.  I know I am lifted up in prayer by so many and these struggles make me run to Him even more in prayer.  I know I am surrounded by so many who care and love me.  I am also very often in prayer for others because I know what it is to suffer and I know how important prayer is.  

I hope that in time, my suffering will end and that my medication issues will be figured out and that I will be healthy again both mentally and physically.  However, if that never happens and I live the rest of my life sick and unwell, I believe that God is still good and that He still cares for me.  He will give me the strength to get through each day and He is using this pain and suffering for a greater purpose.  He is still good.  And He has still given the ultimate and greatest gift in His Son, my Saviour, so I know that this suffering is only temporary.  At the end of my life whenever that is, I will not suffer anymore.  I will be with Him and my mind and my body will be perfectly healthy and joyful.  This is the hope I hold on to.  This is what gives me strength.  He is still good, no matter my situation, He is still good.  

     

This is a song we have started singing in church and I listen to it often right now.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUW3tl4-5h8

“When the night is holding on to me, God is holding on.”

         

Living with the tension of sickness

I was thinking about what I wanted to write about this week and was having a hard time knowing what to share and how I could encourage others by my words.  Honestly, I’m having a hard time adjusting to new medication and it’s hard to function normally and live well.  I so long to feel at peace and feel well again.  I pray this struggle is only for a short time as I figure out medications and dosages and all that, but it’s hard to stay positive and continue to be thankful amidst these circumstances.  

Even as I write this, I know there are people who are way sicker than me and struggling way more.  Not that this minimizes what I am going through, but I do acknowledge that I have a lot to be thankful for.  I am thankful for medication that can help make my life easier.  I am thankful for our health care system, though not perfect, so much better than so many other places around the world.  I am thankful for kind friends and family who pray and support me in many ways.  

I am really trying to do all I can to take care of my body and rest, but it is so hard.  I want to be able to do all I could do before when I was feeling well, but I can’t.  I want to give and share and help others, but I only have so much energy and strength to give right now.  This is such a struggle for me, because I love people and serving and often don’t know my limits of how much to do, be, etc.  

And then I struggle with guilt.  I didn’t do such and such today so I failed, or I couldn’t get together with this person so I feel like a bad friend.  It’s so hard not to make myself feel worse because of this guilt, but I know that it is not from God.  I know I have to take care of myself right now especially, but all the time as well.  There is only so much God has called me to do and I shouldn’t be doing what He hasn’t set aside for me to do.  He has called someone else to do that.  

These are just some thoughts that have been going through my head these last couple of weeks as I live in the tension of not being extremely ill but also not being well.  I am a perfectionist and can be so hard on myself and I’m trying to let that go.  It’s not easy, but I have to continually remind myself that I am perfect and loved by God just as I am.  He has redeemed me and there is nothing more I can do to be worthy of His love.  Yes, I still need to live for Him and honour Him with my life, but I cannot earn His love.  

I am so thankful for this.  And in some ways being sick reminds me of this.  I am not able to do all I can normally do.  I have to take it easy and relax.  I have to rely on God for the strength to get me through each day and I have to trust Him that He will give me the energy to do what He wants me to do each day.  All the other things can wait.  So I didn’t clean my kitchen today, or workout, or even shower, but I am still worthy.  I am still loved.  And if today was a hard day and all I did was breathe and make it through, that is ok.  God is present and He knows and I am so thankful for that.  So I pray that can encourage you too.  Whether you are a perfectionist or not, whether you are sick or not, whether life is great or not.  You are loved, just as you are, nothing to prove.  

I read this verse today and changed the pronoun from he to she, but it encouraged me so much and I’m going to memorize it this month.  

Psalm 91:14-16

“Because she loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue her; I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name.  She will call on me, and I will answer her; I will be with her in trouble, I will deliver her and honour her.  With long life I will satisfy her and show her my salvation.”

Where is God when I'm suffering?

This is such a tough question and something that I think that most of us who struggle with any kind of suffering have to deal with.  Where is God in my pain?  Why did He allow this?  I will never be able to fully answer this question, but I can share my own personal experience of dealing with suffering and wrestling through this issue.  

I have been going through some tough stuff with my mental health over the past few weeks.  I went off of one medication because the doctors and psychiatrists I had seen had suggested another medication might be better for me.  The diagnosis of bipolar disorder that I had been given years ago did not seem to fit for me and a few of the specialists I saw were questioning it.  They suggested I try going off of the medication I was on and see if I could cope without a medication, and if I did need something to help with my anxiety, I could go on something that would help with that.  This was all very confusing to me as I had pretty much accepted that I had bipolar disorder and would have to be on medication all of my life.  Now all of a sudden, I could potentially be off everything and function on my own.  This was exciting, but also a scary decision to make as I could react very negatively if I went off my medication, and I did have bipolar disorder.  Anyway I decided to risk it to see if I could function without medication.  I knew that God would care for me no matter the outcome and would carry me throughout this whole journey.  

Honestly, the past few weeks have been some of the hardest times of my life.  After I was off my medication which helped some with anxiety, my anxiety came on with a vengeance and I could barely cope.  I had no idea why this was happening, and why, when I was trying to do everything right and care for myself the best I could, I could not control this anxiety and live a normal life.  I had awful physical and emotional symptoms and everyday was a struggle to get up and do what I had to do.  I’m still going through this difficult time and although it is getting better, I still struggle to understand why this is happening.  I am back on another medication that helps with anxiety and my body is still adjusting to it.  As much as I wanted to be off medication, it looks as though I need it to function normally.  I am coming to terms with this, and I am thankful that there is something to help me cope.    

However, all that aside, God has never been more present or stopped caring for me every minute of every day.  He has surrounded me with people who have been praying for me daily and I have felt that prayer.  He has given me a supportive husband and a wonderful family who never stopped serving me practically.  He has provided me with so many sweet friends who daily texted me checking in on me, or spent time with me giving me that strength I needed to make it through my days.  So where is God when I am suffering?  He is there.  I may not always feel Him but I know that He is there.  He always gives me exactly what I need when I need it, and He always gives me His strength to do what I need to do.  He provides over and above what I need.  Does this mean that it is easy?  Not at all.  Most days are still a struggle and it is unbearable at times.  Do I understand why I have to suffer in this way at this time?  No, however, I believe that what I am going through is making me a stronger person and someone who is more like Christ.  I am able to minister to others in different ways because of what I have gone through and what I am going through.  I know that what He allows is for my good and His glory.  And honestly, if I can encourage one person as I suffer, it is worth it.  I pray often that I suffer well and with grace.    

So to those of you who are suffering.  Trust me, God knows and He is there.  It may not always feel like it, but He loves you so much more than you know and He will give you the grace to make it through your suffering.  Christ suffered more than we ever will, and He knows what we are going through.  Take comfort in that!  And when you come out the other side, by His grace, you will be more like Him and hopefully more loving and compassionate to others.  You are not alone!       

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:18

Mental Illness and Compassion

Compassion

Living with mental illness has made me much more compassionate and loving and I’m so thankful for that.  It has changed who I am for the better.  I love that I can offer support and understanding to others who are struggling with mental health.  I love that I can offer hope by saying, I’ve been there and I know what you are going through.  I am thankful that I know what it is like to feel hopeless, and feel like life is so monotonous and not know how I will ever get through this day.  To feel like every day is a repeat of the day before and to struggle through the day with what feels like a black cloud over my head.  It is a privilege to enter into pain with someone and to walk through their depression with them.  To just be there and not have to say anything but to just be present.  

It is so important to reach out to others with compassion.  You never know how one word from you can touch someone’s life.  God has placed certain people in our lives for a reason and we need to be sensitive to God’s leading so we can know how and when to minister to those around us.  I can think of several people that God has placed in my life at different seasons, and how He has wanted me to reach out to them and love them and just do life with them.  So often what we do is not rewarded here on earth, and so often we do not even know if we are making a difference or if we are being appreciated by the ones we reach out to.  But we are still called to love those people and reach out and give of ourselves even if we never get anything in return.  Sometimes I get frustrated and I feel like I give and people do not give back in return.  I read a book by Nicki Koziarz and she spoke about emotional generosity and how we often do not receive from many of the people we give to.  And many times we are given emotional generosity from people who we have not given to.  This comforted me and gave me motivation to continue to love those around me who do not give back.  This does not mean that we are called to continually give out to people who suck everything from us and who do not respect boundaries.  There are definitely people who we must cut off and use wisdom when we relate to them.  If we are in prayer and communing with God, then I believe He will guide us and let us know when we need to separate from them and who we need to continue to give to.  

It is so nice to be appreciated and when you are, give thanks to God and point others to Him because it is Him who put that person on your heart, and Him who gives you the strength to serve them everyday.  I try to remember those times and it is helpful to have an encouragement file.  Keep cards or notes that people give you that have encouraged you.  I was told this by a dear friend who I worked with at a crisis pregnancy centre.  So often what we do is never noticed and we never see the fruit of our labours.  So when we are given a glimpse into what God is doing we need to remember it and to be encouraged by it.  It is also helpful to my sinful heart, not to hear praise all the time.  I so often become prideful and I have to remind myself that I am nothing without God.  It is all because of Him that I have accomplished what I have, and it is He who made me and continues to make me more like Him.  He is so gracious and has so much patience with me.  I am so thankful.  All glory to Him!  

I have become a different person through this illness.  I pray that I have become more like Christ through it all.  I know my heart was hard before and now it has been softened.  Sometimes it feels like its too soft but I prefer that over hard heartedness.  I am so much more emotional now and sometimes I feel that hinders me.  However, I hope that people can see how much I care and how broken I am.  Broken yet healed.  Broken yet beautiful.  I pray the same for all of you.  

Finding Rest

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone.  My hope comes from Him.”  Psalm 62:5

I was spending some time meditating and memorizing this verse this week and found it very comforting.  I think if you are an anxious person, you find much of your time filled with worry and unrest.  I often long for the days when I used to be carefree and not so anxious about everything all the time.  This verse was so helpful to just repeat to myself over and over this week.  Even though my soul is often worried or not at peace, this verse tells me that my soul can find rest in God alone.  Knowing that the Creator of the universe loves me so much that He will give my soul rest gives me so much hope.  My soul can never truly rest until my hope is found in Him.  As a Christian, I know that my hope is in the Lord who has redeemed me.  My anxious soul finds so much comfort in that.  I can find rest.  My soul can find rest.  My hope is in Him who gives me everything that I need.  

So my encouragement to you is to say this verse to yourself a few times.  Just focus on each phrase and speak this truth to yourself.  My soul can find rest in God alone because my hope comes from Him.  No matter what I am facing in this life, whether it be mental illness, physical illness, a loss of some kind, etc., I can find the hope to carry on and function.  I’m so thankful for this since anxiety is so exhausting and I’m often just trying to keep my head above the water.  Trying to keep from drowning. Trying to stay afloat.  Trying to appear normal and functional to everyone around me.  There comes a time when I can’t keep it together anymore.  I can no longer keep from drowning on my own.  That is when I cry out to God who is my hope.  He is the one who can keep me above the water.  He is the one who will give me rest.  I hope this comforts you as much as it comforts me.  This doesn’t mean that I always feel at rest, but I know that I can keep coming back to this truth because I know it to be so.  My soul has found rest.  I hope yours can too.   

Focusing Outward

Anxiety and depression cause us to focus inward.  How do we shift our focus outward?  

I have heard of this struggle from friends, and have found it to be a struggle for me as well.  Anxiety makes us so fearful and obsessive and basically causes us to be focused only on ourselves.  This is something we need to strongly combat against.  I think it is normal to struggle with this when one struggles with anxiety.  It is ok to feel nervous or anxious.  You cannot really help that when you deal with anxiety.  However, we can choose how we respond to our anxious thoughts.  We can choose to dwell on them and obsess over them, or we can give them over to God.  We can take them captive and then throw them away.  We can choose to focus on things that are pure and lovely and right and true.  (Philippians 4:8)  I always find that it helps to pray to God and ask Him to take away my anxious thoughts.  I try to quote Scripture verses or try to distract myself with other thoughts.  One thing that has really helped me when I feel caught up in my own head, is to then think of others.  Think of how you can reach out to someone else who may be struggling or how you can encourage a friend.  I often go through my texts on my phone and think of who I can text to see how they are doing.  I can try to remember prayer requests from friends and spend some time praying about them.  I may be really struggling with something and my struggles are real, but there are other people who may have it worse or who need something from me at that time.  I can reach out to others and it really helps.  It gets my focus off of me and onto someone else.  Then I am no longer caught up in my own thoughts, and I am encouraging someone who may need to hear from me that day.  

Now there are definitely times when I am really struggling and I cannot seem to get out of my own head.  I am worried and fearful and all I can think about are my own issues.  This definitely can happen and like I have said before, my brain does not work properly and there are times when I may be emotionally sick and I have to focus on taking care of myself.  That is okay.  Do not let yourself feel guilty for that.  When we are sick, we need to take care of ourselves.  The other danger of focusing on others is that we do not pay attention to our own needs at all and then we have no reserve to give from.  We need to make sure we are taking care of ourselves, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  We cannot give to others until we are full ourselves.  This is especially true spiritually.  We need to make sure that we are in the Word of God and spending time praying.  I also find it helpful to be reading all the time.  I had this goal about two years ago to read a chapter of a book every day.  I have been doing it and since then have read many, many books.  This is an easy goal to have and it helps grow me spiritually too.  I try to choose spiritual growth books that keep me learning and growing in my faith.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been challenged, impacted and encouraged by what I have been reading.  And one chapter a day really is not that daunting.  You can do it!  

So this is my challenge to you today if you struggle with anxiety or depression or even if you don’t, but you find yourself too inwardly focused.  Try to focus on someone else today and try to get out of your own head.  Think of one way you can encourage someone else.  Also, start reading a book that can encourage you in your faith and take your mind off of your anxiety.  These are some things that have really helped me in my journey and I hope they can help you too.   

Joy in Suffering

What does it mean to have true joy in suffering?

This is a good question.  Does this mean that I have to be happy that I am suffering?  Or that I have to be happy when bad things happen to me and those I love?  No, but it does mean that we still have hope in Christ during these times and that we are joyful in hope, patient in affliction.  We know that these are light and momentary struggles that are achieving for us a treasure that far outweighs them. (2 Corinthians 4:17) This gives me so much hope and courage and strength.  I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, and I put my hope in that daily.  I am not happy when I am lying paralyzed in bed because I cannot get up due to my anxiety or depression.  I hate that my anxiety and fear can stop me from doing what I want to do.  No, that does not make me joyful.  But I am joyful when I remember that Christ has fought the battle for me and no matter what I struggle with here on earth, He will be here with me.  He is here with me now, and He has defeated Satan and sin and death and when He returns, I will no longer have to deal with anxiety and stress and depression.  This gives me joy. 

I also have joy when I achieve things throughout the day that I thought I could not do.  When God gives me strength to accomplish tasks that feel impossible, I am so filled with thankfulness and joy that He helped me to accomplish them.  

I also feel joy when I know that God is working on something in me, and it gives me hope and a purpose when I know that He is refining my character through my struggles.  Struggles are anything but fun, but when I can remember that He is making me more like Him and making my character reflect His, I am joyful in that.  I also know that He is right by my side throughout all of my struggles and that anything that I suffer from, He has already suffered from and defeated.  We are fighting a battle that is already ultimately won!  This is so wonderful and gives me great joy.  

I also find I have joy when I have an attitude of gratitude.  It is so easy to focus on all that is going wrong in our day when we should be so grateful for all the many ways in which we have been blessed.  There is always someone who has more than you, but there is also always someone who has less.  Be grateful for what God has placed in your life and for the many blessings He pours out on you daily.  You may not always see them right away, but trust me, they are there.  I try to think of five things every day that I am thankful for.  It was hard at first, but over time I realized there is so much I have to be thankful for and even when my day is hard, I realize it could be worse.  This is not to minimize the pain that some of us go through, but I really have found that in the midst of pain, there can be true joy when I practice gratitude.  

Meditate on these things when you are struggling and you want to have joy.  This mindset is one that has to be cultivated too.  It does not come naturally to us.  We have to steep our minds in the Word of God and be actively involved in a relationship with Jesus.  We also need to worship with other Christians and be surrounding ourselves with people who think this way as well.  It does not help us to surround ourselves with negative people who only pull us down and not lift us up. We will become like those we surround ourselves with, and it is so much easier to be pulled down than to lift someone up.  We still need to reach out to these people and love them but limit our time with them.  Use your wisdom.  Jesus reached out to those around Him, but who did He surround Himself with?  His disciples-those who knew and loved Him and wanted to serve Him.  Yes, they made many mistakes but God knew their hearts, and He poured into them and made them into strong and courageous men of faith.  He can, and will do that for you too if you keep trusting in Him and following Him and glorifying Him in all that you do.  Keep fighting for the faith.  Do not give up.  He is making us more into His image all the time.  I am so thankful for this!

Finally, this is a quote that I found and that encouraged me as I was reading The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.  

“I do not pray that you may be delivered from your pains, but I pray to God earnestly that He would give you strength and patience to bear them as long as He pleases.  Comfort yourself with Him who holds you fastened to the cross.  He will loose you when He thinks fit.  Happy those who suffer with Him: accustom yourself to suffer in that manner, and seek from Him the strength to endure as much, and as long, as He shall judge to be necessary for you.  The men of the world do not comprehend these truths, nor is it to be wondered at, since they suffer like what they are, and not like Christians.  They consider sickness as a pain to nature, and not as a favour from God; and seeing it only in that light, they find nothing in it but grief and distress.  But those who consider sickness as coming from the hand of God, as the effect of His mercy, and the means which He employs for their salvation- such, commonly find in it great sweetness and sensible consolation.  I wish you could convince yourself that God is often (in some sense) nearer to us, and more effectually present with us, in sickness than in health.”