I’ve been experiencing the strangest thing lately. I would say that I am very content with life right now and I really wouldn’t change a thing. That’s not to say life is perfect. I still worry about finances and am more than exhausted most days. I’ve been sick so much this year and am finding the balance in being a new mom who still wants to be her own person. But all that to say, I’m so happy with this life and feel quite fulfilled.
However, with this happiness comes an ache. An ache that starts as a little nagging in my heart and mind and then, if I let it, becomes an overwhelming sadness and fear that all of this can be taken away at any moment. Being a mom now, I have a little life to take care of and one that I love so deeply. The thought of anything happening to him, causing him to suffer is almost more than I can bear. I realize that in the moments of pure family joy and the realization that life can’t get much better than this, I’m shaken with the fear that I live in an imperfect and scary world where death, destruction and pain run rampant.
I think it is in these moments of happiness and joy that I have a glimpse of what I was created for. I get a brief flicker of what life was supposed to be like. What my life will be like again when Christ comes back and makes all things new.
I know that no matter what happens here on earth, I am not alone and that even though this fear is paralyzing at times, there is One who is in control and who will work all things out for my good and His glory. I have to focus on this truth, and most of the time, I can distract myself and I can move on, but that terrible fear and ache for something more remains in the back of my mind.
I guess that ache is just to remind me not to get too comfortable here. It is to remind me not to make idols out of the good gifts that I have been given. It is to remind me that this earth is not my home and that I’m homesick for something more. And when I am there, I will never feel this fear or ache or longing again.
And so I cling to that promise and future, and I pray that I will be able to get through the pain and loss and suffering on the journey there.
I’m so thankful that I am not alone in the journey and that I have Someone who is walking right beside me, guiding me home and even carrying me when I don’t have the strength to walk on my own.
Because I can’t do this on my own and I don’t want to.
"Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
the Lord will be a light to me."
Micah 7:8
