I thought that I should write a blog post about my experience of feeling pretty good mental health-wise in this season and about how that has been such a blessing to me. I touched on this in a previous blog but I am so thankful that this past season of six months has really been a great time of feeling far less anxiety and feeling relatively happy and in a good mood most of the time.
I am really grateful for this time because I know what it is to feel really low and to feel like I will never be happy again. It is so interesting to me because when I feel good, I often forget what it felt like to be sad and depressed and anxious. It’s so easy to forget what we have learned in the dark times and to just get used to feeling good. And the reverse is true as well. When I am feeling down, I don’t remember what it was like to feel happy and joyful and content. While feeling good is great and I wish it would last forever, I often have this fear hovering over me that I’m just waiting until the depression and the sadness and the anxiety hit again. I know what that low feels like and when I’m in it, it is so hard. I never want to be there again. However, I know that most likely those times will come again.
I try not to focus on that fear, but it hovers in the background just waiting to scare me. One of the things that I try to remember is that feelings are feelings and they are not always true. My feelings change often and they are not what I want to live my life by. I am not a slave to how I feel. Yes, I must be gentle with myself when I am feeling down and my feelings are something to be aware of. I am thankful when I feel happy and content and secure, but I know that there will come a time when I am not happy, I am not content and I don’t feel secure. However, I know that the God who was present in my happy times is still the same God that is there in my down times. I may not always feel Him in the same way, but I have to trust that He is there and that He will get me through this down time again just as He has in the past. I need to trust that what I saw in the light is present in the dark even when I cannot see. This is my hope and this is what carries me through.
And so when I am in these good times, I am so thankful to God for His grace to allow me to feel happiness and I savour those moments. And when those dark times come again which I know they will, I can handle it and He will get me through them just as He has before. I do not need to live in fear of when they will come. This world is not my home and until I am home with Christ, I will experience depression and anxiety and sadness and pain. While I don’t like this fact, it is okay because I am not alone and I have found that those times draw me closer to the One who loves me more than I can know. These dark times grow my character and strength and cause me to depend on the One who made me. He will never leave me and while He may give me more than I can handle alone, He never leaves me to handle it alone. He always provides, always strengthens, always guides.
This is what I’m focusing on today as I fear the future and I know that I am entering a new season in life. I do not know what this new season holds, but I know that I am not alone and that I will make it through. I do not need to live in fear of my depression and anxiety. They may return, but I will be okay and who knows what else I will learn through them. My prayer is the same for you. Hold on to this hope. You do not have to be alone or walk through your pain alone. And when times are good, don’t forget who gave you those times and who loves you more than you can know. Hold on to the memory of those times and know that they will come again and draw strength from them to get through the tough times.
“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4
