Pregnant in a Pandemic (from an already anxious person)

I thought I would write a little bit about being pregnant in a pandemic as I have been and quite a few of my friends have been as well.  This isn't something that I would have planned or wished for myself or others, but this is our reality and as I've thought about it, I'm not sure I would change it.

As someone who already struggles with anxiety, I would think that this pregnancy during a pandemic would be a lot more stressful for me, but thankfully I have been managing okay.  I definitely have moments where I am worried and stressed about the future, but overall, my anxiety has been manageable.  I also have much better mental health when I am pregnant which is humorous because physically, pregnancy is pretty rough for me.  I'm thankful I have one of the two!

In some ways, I've found being pregnant during this pandemic to be a bit of a blessing because there isn't as much going on and it's easy to be at home when I really haven't felt well most of the time.  There are fewer appointments and get togethers and I'm working from home, so it has been nice to have a lot off of my plate.  Most of my appointments have been easier too.  Everything is so much quicker and some appointments are even over the phone so it has been helpful for me to stay at home for many of them.

I believe God is in control of all that is going on and He knew when I would be pregnant.  This little life inside of me was meant to come at this time, so I'm going to trust Him with the future.  I don't know what my delivery will be like or the postpartum time after.  I worry about being at home isolated with a newborn and a toddler and trying to heal from a c-section, and I wonder how I will get through all of that if we can't have people around.

I've had to go to the ER twice already in this pregnancy and because of COVID, I was alone and had to be by myself.  The first time I went, I was pretty scared we were going to lose our baby and I had to go through that by myself.  But I wasn't alone.  I knew God was present and He sent me wonderful nurses and doctors who cared for me.  He was kind and got me through that, but it certainly wasn't something I would wish on anyone or myself had I known about it beforehand.  There were certainly lots of tears cried before and during.  

I'm thankful I don't know the future and that God gives me the grace that I need for each day.  So that is why I'm trying not to worry about the next month and a half and just trust that God has it figured out.  He knows when and how Eva will arrive and who my doctors and nurses will be.  I believe He will protect us and no matter what happens, it will be for our good and His glory.

This is my experience of being pregnant in a pandemic.  It is not something I would have planned, but it has had its benefits as well.  I'm learning that God's grace is sufficient for each day and that most of my life doesn't go as I planned.  But I'm pretty confident that His way and timing is best, so I'm choosing to keep trusting that He's got all this figured out and will work it all out for good.  And I am counting down each and every day until I'm not pregnant anymore!  

Peace in A World of Pain

This week has been hard.  There is so much pain and suffering and injustice in our world and hearing about it is important, but it's also troubling and it really affects me emotionally.  We are also still in the midst of this pandemic and life is slowly returning to normal but it's still so tinged with worry and fear.  I've had to take a break from social media because it just has not been good for my mental health lately, and I find it consuming my thoughts and making me anxious.

Colt and I had a really rough day yesterday and my headspace was not good.  I wanted to cry all day and several times wanted to lash out at him physically because of the way he was acting.  I could not deal with life yesterday.  I'm thankful for friends who I could share it with and who could encourage me and let me know that I'm not a bad mom for having those days.  I'm also thankful for being able to leave Colt at my parents' house for a few hours so I could have some downtime and collect my thoughts.

All this to say, how do I maintain peace in the midst of all that is going on in our world?  How do I care for myself and not allow my negative feelings to spiral down and plunge me into a space where I can't function well?  My heart is heavy with so much, and I don't know how to release that weight.

As I am writing this, Psalm 61:1-3 came to mind, "Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint.  Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy."  I'm so thankful for this verse and the comfort it fills me with.  I don't have the magical answer to rid myself of stress, anxiety, fear and pain, but I do know that God is my refuge and that He is sovereign and He will carry me and His people through.  I don't know how to solve the world's problems, and I hate the death and fear and pain that surrounds me all of the time in this world.  I think it's good to be affected by it, but I hate that there is so much hurt around us.  Some days I just don't want to wake up and deal with it all.

However, God is faithful and He also sustains and I know that He can equip us to be able to survive those seemingly hopeless days, and also to be love and grace and hope to those around us.  The only way to have peace within is through Him.  I'm so thankful for that hope and promise, and it is what gets me through days like yesterday.

Some practical things that help me deal with my anxiety and heavy moods are consistently remaining thankful for things around me and speaking those things out loud.  Throughout the day, I'm often listing things I am thankful for even when my day seems to be falling apart and my mood is bleak.  Like I said, I took a break from scrolling through social media and posting this week and that has helped me too.  It helps to have a break from screen time, and it helps me to focus on my family and friends and my life right in front of me.  It's also important to know myself and know what I need and when I need it.  I knew yesterday I could not cope with being alone, so I was thankful to have my mom's help.  It's ok to ask for help from those around us who love us and so often want to help.  I often feel guilty asking for someone to help watch Colt, but I knew yesterday I needed that and I knew my mom was willing to help.  We also deny others the blessing of serving us when we don't allow them to help us.  I love helping others out and I know if I was denied that, I would be missing out on so much joy.

Anyway thanks so much for reading and I hope that my struggles and vulnerability can bring encouragement and hope to someone else.  There are practical things that we can do to help with attaining peace, but ultimately I believe that true and lasting peace is something that is given by God and unable to be completely understood.  It can carry me through even the most difficult of circumstances and give me hope and joy when the world around me is crumbling.  For that I am thankful.  <3