It's Ok...

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic lately.  So often in life we compare ourselves to others.  We compare ourselves in every way…material possessions, beauty, intelligence, physical fitness, Godliness, etc.  I think when you are someone who struggles with mental illness, you often wonder why you have to be the way you are.  If only you were physically healthier..if only you were able to cope with what it seems like everyone else can cope with…if only you didn’t have to deal with the things you are dealing with…life would be so much better.  I just want to say…it’s ok to be you.  

Yes, living with depression, anxiety, OCD, any number of mental health struggles are definitely a challenge and yes, it would be so much easier to live life without them.  However, you were made the way you were for a reason.  We all have struggles in our lives, no one is excluded from that.  There is pain and suffering here on earth and I so long for the day when that is no more.  But today…we are here…I am here.  And I am me..and that is ok.  

No, I’m not like everyone else.  I work part-time because I need the time off to recover from the time I spent working.  Not everyone understands this and I deal with other people’s confusion over that alot.  I get stress headaches sometimes after being out with people all day.  When I have a busy day, I need time at home by myself to recover.  I can’t always do everything I set out to do in a day because my body or my mind won’t let me.  I can’t tell you how often I am extremely frustrated by this.  But you know what, I think this lifelong struggle is good for me.  It teaches me to rest when I need it.  It teaches me self-care and the importance of saying, “No” to people when I need to.  But most of all, it teaches me to rely on God because I know that it is DAILY His strength that gets me through.  

On those days when I wake up and I already feel exhausted and my day just seems like it is looming ahead of me, I know that God will give me the strength, health and ability to accomplish what He has for me to do that day.  That does not mean that MY to do list always gets done.  Often what I had planned for the day does not work out.  I plan my steps but the Lord directs my path and for that I am so thankful.  He knows if I need to rest during the day.  He knows if I need to spend time with a certain person that day.  He knows all and I don’t.  He loves me and He loves me just the way I am.  If I compare to this person or that person, I will never measure up in every way.  That is a sure way to be discouraged and hopeless every day.  I am me with every flaw and every beauty and I can’t be anyone else.  

Lately, I have really been praying that each day I accomplish what God has set out for me that day.  I pray that what needs to be done will get done, and that I will have the energy and strength to do that.  I also pray that even though I have many goals and plans for the day that His ways are better and that every absolute MUST will be accomplished.  And if it isn’t accomplished then I guess it wasn’t meant for today.  And that’s ok!  God has really been showing me lately that usually everything that needs to be done gets done, it’s just not always in my timing.  Ahh the humility that brings.  

So my encouragement to you is this….BE YOU!  That is the best person you can be.  Don’t compare yourself to others.  Mental illness really isn’t fun, but everyone is struggling with something and be thankful that your struggle can cause you to rely more on the One who is in control, because even when you think you are in control, that is not the case, my friend.  Be kind to yourself.  Slow down.  Take a nap if you need to.  Recharge and make sure that you are able to do the really important things that God has planned for you to do that day.  He will give you the strength and energy to do what you need to.  He always has for me.  So remember whatever you feel like you are failing at today, be thankful you are you and know that it is all ok.  Being you is ok.  Actually even better than ok, you are the best thing you can be!  

Much love from someone who is constantly being reminded of this very same truth.  

Why My Weakness Has Accomplished More Than My Strength

I think about this often-how I think God uses me most in my weaknesses and not in my strengths.  This is so backwards from the way we naturally think.  We view our weaknesses in a negative light which only makes sense.  However, I have found that it is in my hardest times or through my weakest moments that God chooses to use me most.  It is in those dark and painful times when I think I can’t go on and I have nothing to offer that God gives me his power and I am able to be used in ways that I could never have imagined. 

 I was thinking about this today…how I can’t wait until I’m at a different place in life, maybe more successful, maybe when I have it more together, maybe when I have more to give in life, then God can really use me.  Right after I thought that, I felt God reminding me that even in the hardest year of my life, I have seen him work in so many more ways than I ever thought possible.  When I felt sickest, he still brought people into my life who needed encouragement and he gave me the strength to be a friend and offer hope.  Surprisingly, it was often through my sickness and being open about my struggles that I was able to encourage most.  When I was most discouraged, He gave me strength to keep believing that He was good and that He did have a plan for this disappointment.  When we were suffering financially, He always provided for us, but he also always provided a way for us to give to others who needed what we had more. 

I can see that He doesn’t just use me when I have it all together, when I have lots of money to give away, when I feel great and have tons of time to spare.  No, in HIS strength, He enabled me to give when I was poor, sick and busy!  That being said, I am not as poor, as sick or as busy as many, many other people.  God has always blessed and provided, but this is how I was looking at my life compared to many other people around me.  He uses me where I am now IN my weakness and I would almost argue BECAUSE of my weakness.  No one can argue that it is Him working, it is Him accomplishing big things, it is Him being generous and sustaining, because I could never do that on my own where I am.  He is most glorified in me when I am weakest.  If I were strong and able and wealthy and had it all together, I could argue that it was me who was accomplishing great things.  Even though it is always God, He is the one who has given me all things and can just as easily take them all away. 

 I am so thankful that I can hope and trust in Him.  And I am so thankful that He is a God who chooses to use the broken and lowly and those who don’t have it all together…because I really don’t think there would be many people to choose from if He didn’t!  So let this encourage you…let God use you where you are- broken and insufficient, because honestly, that is what we all are, even if we don’t see it.  Don’t wait until you feel like you have it all together to serve and give and love, because you will never be there.  God gives us the strength and energy and grace to accomplish what He has for us at each and every season of our lives.  This current season has been a hard one for me, but I honestly wouldn’t change it for anything, because it has also been the richest, sweetest evidence of God’s love, His provision, and His glory in my life.  I pray that others have seen that in me and can point to God and say that it is only by His grace and work in me that it was possible.  To Him be all the glory.  

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.’  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest on me.  That is why for the sake of Christ, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong…”

-2 Corinthians 12:8-10  

How An Attitude of Gratitude Can Change Your Whole Perspective

Thankfulness.

It’s something we often talk about but it doesn’t come naturally for us as humans.  For some people being thankful is easier than for others just based on what kind of personality you have.  Some people see the glass as half full while others see it as half empty.  But no matter who you are, there are times in life when it is hard to be thankful.  When things aren’t going the way you want them to, or you get so focused on other people’s lives and comparing your life to theirs, it is often hard to be thankful.  Especially in our culture where everyone posts the best of their lives on social media, we see the part that they want us to see.  We see who is getting married, who is having a baby, who is traveling where, what amazing jobs some people have, and we compare it to our lives and think about how far ahead everyone else is than us.  It’s so easy to compare and think everyone else has it better than we do.  I can often find that I feel so thankful or grateful for something in my life but then after looking at some of my friend’s lives, I wonder why I don’t have what they have.  

This is why I think that it’s so important to practice an attitude of gratitude everyday, sometimes multiple times a day.  Yes, there are always people who have more than us, but there are also always people who have less.  I think being thankful is so crucial for everyone but especially for people who struggle with mental illness.  It’s so easy to wake up and feel awful and just have one of those all around bad days, whether it be from anxiety, depression, or regular life circumstances.  However, I find when I’m having days like this, it’s so helpful to think of things that I’m thankful for and it often lifts my mood.  You may be having the worst day ever, but there is always something to be thankful for.  This isn’t to minimize how you are feeling or to say that nothing bad ever happens.  But even in the midst of the darkness and awful times, there is ALWAYS a sliver of light and hope.

  

For me, I have a personal relationship with Christ, and I know that He is good no matter what is happening.  I believe He has a purpose for all that happens in my life, good and bad.  I have had some pretty trying things happen in my life and have experienced real loss and pain, and I can honestly say that even in those times, there were always things that I could find to be thankful for.  God has always provided for me in so many ways.  

I remember when I was challenged to work on the area of thankfulness in my life and I decided to try to think of five things I was thankful for each day.  At first, it was hard and some days I really struggled to see what was good in the day.  However, the more that I did this, the more good I saw.  I was able to see little things throughout the day that lifted my spirits and that I could be thankful for.  For example, on days when I felt so sick and down and felt like I couldn’t bear any more, I was thankful for friends who were lifting me up in prayer.  I was thankful that for many years, I knew what health was and I often took it for granted.  I was thankful for the sun that shone that day.  I was thankful that I had food in the house to eat.  These are just a few examples, but as bad as things are, there are always rays of hope.  I promise you that.  And if you can’t see them at first, ask someone to help you see them.  We often are so blinded by our own pain and struggles that we need those around us who love and care for us to show them to us when we just can’t see them.  

I’ve consistently done this practice of thankfulness for several years now and I can say that it has changed me.  God has used it to make me more aware of how much I have to be thankful for and how much He has blessed me with.  His hope is there and He has always cared for me and has always been faithful.  This attitude of thankfulness has tuned my heart more to His grace and care and has become a form of worship where I thank Him for every good and perfect gift, because it all comes from Him.  

So my encouragement to you is to try to see the positive and to try to think of five or even three things to be thankful for each day.  Keep at it even when it is difficult.  I truly believe it will change your attitude and your mood.  I know it has for me.  And if you can’t think of anything to be thankful for, ask me and I will help you to think of something!  I promise you there is something there.  Keep hoping and be thankful, it will change you!   

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."  James 1:17

You Are Not Alone

It’s been awhile since I have written a post and it’s been hanging over me for awhile.  I haven’t known what to write about or thought I had much worth sharing.  However, as it’s just been Bell’s annual Let’s Talk day, there has been a lot of talk surrounding mental health and a lot of people opening up about their struggles.  

I’m thankful that I am in a pretty good place right now mental health wise and that is encouraging for me.  However, I realize that for many people out there, right now is a really tough time.  This time of year with the lack of sunlight and the cold weather, the excitement of Christmas is over and the new year is well on it’s way, and we are all just waiting for the summer, waiting for school to be over- for reading week or March break, or just for a lift in our moods.  

I’ve definitely been there and I know that even as I say I am feeling well, it is only too easy for me to slip back into horrible anxiety and depressive moods.  I know some of you out there are really struggling and I just want to say, I’ve been there.  I know this season is rough and I know it feels like it will never end.  I understand just struggling to keep your head above water and it feels like each wave will push you under forever.  It’s hard to be hopeful, to believe that this will ever end or to think that you might experience happiness and freedom from this burden.  

My ultimate prayer for you is this….that you would know that you are loved.  Loved by the God of this universe who knows exactly how you are feeling.  He sees you and He is with you in the midst of this pain.  It may not feel like it, and I’ve often had to keep telling myself this truth over and over when I don’t feel it.  Because even when we don’t FEEL it, we must believe that it is true.  

Know that you are loved by so many others….family, friends.  Sometimes it seems like no one cares or understands you or what you are going through.  This is part of this illness.  It is isolating.  It causes us to withdraw and retreat.  That is the opposite of what we need.  So make yourself spend time with those who love you….those safe and trusted people.  Even if there are only one or two people that fit this part, keep those people close.  Do not push them away.  

Also, keep going…do not give up.  This life is worth living and I promise you, this is just a season.  While this season is painful and it does not seem like it will end, there is light at the end of this tunnel.  I have seen it.  Please don’t give up on life and in living your life.  Keep showing up to work if you can, keep pushing through school and giving it what energy you can.  Make sure you talk to your boss, coworkers, teachers, professors, etc.  Let them know what is going on, they can help and very often they are understanding.  While I firmly believe in doing your best, if your best is just showing up to work and making it through, or just getting by in school with passing grades, that is okay for the time being.  At least you didn’t give up and at least you did the best you could at this point.  

It’s so hard, but try your best to get some exercise, even if it is just a walk.  I know some fresh air and exercise usually help my mood when I’m feeling down.  Eat as healthily as you can and make sure to get what sleep you can.  All of this is so hard to do when you are feeling down but it all makes a big difference in your body and mood.  

And lastly, to those of you who are not struggling, but have friends or family who are, please do your best to understand and to be supportive.  That may mean not giving advice about what you don’t understand and just being there when your friend/family member needs you.  I know for me and for some of my friends, we call it praying one another through.  We are there for each other and we send texts of encouragement and reach out for prayer when we need it.  For some friends, this means I am texting them every day when they are going through these times.  This is a commitment and it takes strength and love to be there for people in this way, but it is so important.  To know that someone out there is praying for you and loves you and is thinking of you DAILY is so encouraging, and some days, it has been exactly what I needed.  

Be there for someone if they can’t get out of bed and just need someone to hang out and watch Netflix with.  Or maybe you need to force them to get out of bed and get out with you.  Take them for dinner or take them to a movie.  Sometimes I need to be forced when I feel I can’t do anything, but I usually feel better after.  Be sure to listen to the person who is struggling and do your best to figure out the line when you need to leave them be and when they might need to be forced to move!  

And once again, to those of you suffering…you are not alone.  So many others are suffering with this too so do not isolate yourself.  Open up and share with someone how you are feeling.  Allow yourself to be cared for.  Make sure it is a safe person, but I’m sure you will know who those are in your life.  There are also many counsellors who would be a wonderful help to you in this time.

REMEMBER, this is a season….I promise you that.  I have been so low I thought I would never feel joy again, but I have come out of it.  This has happened to me many times throughout my life and I know that there is hope.  There is light.  There are those who love you and care for you.  My prayer today is for you.  Please feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to or someone to pray for you.  You are so loved!

“Many are saying of me, ‘God will not deliver him.’ But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the LORD, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.”   Psalm 3:2-6

This is one of my favourite songs right now

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y

When the Darkness Doesn't Lift

It feels strange writing about this topic when the last post I wrote was about thriving.  I guess that can be the way mental illness goes.  One day you feel really great and you feel like all is going well and then the next day, it can completely switch and you feel like you’re drowning, desperately trying to keep your head above the water, just trying to make it through each day.  When I feel like this, I often get discouraged and wonder why my life has to be this way.  So up and down, not steady.  Whether you have mental illness or not, life is full of ups and downs.  So how do we cope?  For me, having the hope that I am not alone is so comforting.  I belong to a God who cares about each up and down and who will never leave me.  I also have family and friends who consistently lift me up in prayer and support me with words and acts of love. 

I think for me remembering that this will not last forever is comforting.  This too shall pass.  I may feel down and anxious and sad, but this feeling does ebb and flow.  Often with anxiety and depression, your mood goes up and down, but you do have good days along with the bad.  I cling to those good days and try to remember them when I am in the haze of a dark day.  

I think I wrote about it in an earlier post, but I also try to remember that just because I may not feel happy today doesn’t mean that I don’t have deep, lasting joy.  Joy is different, because it is not a feeling.  It doesn’t come and go.  The joy of the Lord is my strength and that will never change no matter what I am going through.  I think sometimes it can seem like we are faking it if we focus on the positive and we are trying to rejoice in all circumstances.  I read this verse this week and it brought me to tears because as hard as it is, it is so true.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”  This is a command and is often not easy to do, especially when your life may be falling apart around you.  However, I have found that when I cultivate an attitude of gratitude and focus on what I have to be thankful for and bring all my struggles and concerns to God, He meets me where I am at.  He truly does care that I am not doing well.  He really does care that my heart is broken, but He lifts my head and helps me see all that He has done for me and all that He is doing through this broken situation even right here and now.  There is a purpose for this pain.  There is a reason.  He knows and He is working.  I can rejoice in all circumstances.  Not on my own, but by continually coming to Him in prayer and asking Him to help me see it the way He sees it.  There will be an end to this pain.  Hopefully here on earth as it comes and goes, but ultimately in the future when I am with Him for eternity.  I must keep my eyes focused on that.  This is truth that keeps me going.  This is truth that gives me joy even when I am not happy.  This gives me hope when I am fighting each day just to survive.  And I hope that I will thrive again, but when I am just surviving, it also keeps me clinging to the One who gets me through each day.  I can never do this on my own strength, but through the One who made me and gives me breath each day.  So each day, I’ll get up and be thankful for another day, as dark as it is.  And on these days, I will hope that maybe tomorrow will be brighter.  And I’ll cling to the hope that one day there will be no more tears or suffering for me.  This is what gets me through when the darkness won’t lift.  

This is a song I have been listening to often lately.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jv8IqJm6q7w

Don't Just Survive, Thrive!

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.  The idea that we aren’t meant to just survive life, but thrive in life.  This doesn’t mean that we don’t go through periods in our life where we are just surviving.  I know that phase well.  However, I believe we can have joy and peace and hope here on earth and I believe God has given us so many blessings and resources to help us do this.  I do think this idea is very dependent on our outlook on life and how we view the adversity and pain that will inevitably come into our lives.  

This season of my life has been extremely painful.  Struggles with mental and physical health, job loss and financial insecurity, being in situations where I have had to forgive and love people who have treated my family and myself unfairly, watching people I love suffer and die, and then just being exposed to so many other people’s pain and struggles.  This year has been a hard one.  There have been periods during this time that I am just struggling to survive each day.  However, I want to also see God’s sovereignty and purpose in this pain.  I want to rejoice in all circumstances and realize that whatever happens in my life is for God’s glory and my good.  These struggles and losses can make me stronger and more joyful.  They can make me more loving and more hopeful.  And I see that.  Not in my own strength, but in the strength that God has given me in my weakness.  

One aspect of this for me and my mental and physical health has been in the provision of medication in the form of an antipsychotic.  This has been somewhat of a struggle for me to accept over the years, but I really do see this medication as a gift from God.  I know what this summer was like for me off of the right medication, and I see how well I am doing now.  I am thriving.  This did not come easily and took time for me to figure out the right medication and dosage and have my body get used to it.  But knowing what I know now, I am so thankful I was given this medication.  

I talk to a lot of people about this and I hear them as they struggle with the idea of taking medication.  So many people are suffering with mental health issues and there is still this stigma that we don’t want to take medication.  I DO not agree with just taking medication and it being a quick fix and that being the only aspect that we address about our health.  I firmly believe we also need to be doing counselling and educating ourselves on our unhealthy and distorted thinking patterns.  We may have sin issues to address or physical areas that need work- eating healthier, exercise, regular sleep patterns.  We are holistic people and we need to address ALL areas of our health.  Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual- these are all important.  If you have a chemical imbalance in your brain, you WILL NOT get better just by counselling.  God can heal us and He may choose to do that with some people, but that may also not happen.  If you had a thyroid issue or diabetes, would you refuse to take medication because you can go to counselling and somehow your blood sugar and thyroid levels will change?  I don’t think so.  

These are just my words of encouragement to those of you struggling through this issue.  Especially to Christians who feel that somehow they are not trusting God enough or praying enough.  Yes, you probably do need to do that more, we all do!  But maybe trusting God would be using what He has provided you with in the forms of our free healthcare system, our doctors and psychiatrists, and all the medications we have access to.  It is definitely hard to accept that we need to take a medication to make us feel normal or well.  I have struggled through this too.  But I firmly believe that God has given me this medication to help me thrive!  I have seen how I am off of it and He used that to grow me too.  But on this medication, I feel more like myself, I have more energy, I can give more of myself to others and am able to serve in ways I could not when I was just surviving.  

So we can still experience God’s joy and strength and peace in the midst of our struggles.  And He does want us to thrive!  That is His desire for us and that is not to say all of life is easy and happy and fun.  But He does always provide for us and give us what we need to make it through in His strength.  

Let me encourage you, if this is something you are struggling through, take heart, because I know the feeling.  And I’m not saying medication will heal you and make all your problems go away.  I have done some intense group therapy and counselling and spent a lot of time before God in prayer and examining myself, but I do need medication and that is not something that at this point will ever change.  I can hope and pray for healing, but at this time, this medication is my healing.  

So if you have any questions or want to talk to me about it, please ask away!  I want everyone to THRIVE and not just SURVIVE.  And it may not be medication that you need, maybe it is counselling or dealing with something in your life.  But if it is medication that you think you may need, please don’t be afraid to try it or think you are any less of a person or Christian because of it.  And be patient because all healing takes time.  Whether it be counselling or group therapy or medication, it all takes time to work.  But God is there throughout it all, and I believe He is working for our good.  Please use what He has given you.  

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”  Romans 8:28

The Reason for My Hope

“And when I cannot stand, I’ll fall on you.

  Jesus, You’re my hope and stay”

       As I was thinking about what to write about for this post, I was continually struck with the topic of hope and where I find mine.  I know in my own journey, I would not be where I am today without my faith and personal relationship with Christ.  I think we all have ways of coping with what we are going through and we all put our hope in something.  I wanted to write this post to share what I put my hope in and what I believe is the only answer to our struggles in this world.  Not everyone may agree with me and that is okay.  We all have our choice in what we choose to hope in.  I cannot force anyone to agree with me and I don’t want to!  I just want to share what has given me hope and what is the one thing that has given my life meaning.  

My relationship with Christ is what gives me hope.  Without Christ and what He has done for me, I would have no reason to keep living, or to keep living well.  I have been in the depths of depression and I know what that is like.  I have been overwhelmed with anxiety and didn’t think I could wake up and face another day.  It was because Christ held on to me and kept me going that I was able to find His strength to carry on.  Everything I am, He has made.  Sometimes I catch myself thinking I’m a pretty good person, and He must be pretty thankful He’s got me on His team.  Then I’m overwhelmed with the realization that I have done nothing to deserve His love and grace.  All the good in me and everything I have ever done is because of Him and through His strength.  I don’t deserve anything in this life, but, God, in His grace and mercy, has given me so much.  It is because of Him that I can wake up each day and experience life.  It is because of Him that I have a home and food to eat and family and friends to share it with.  It is because of Him that I have medication to help me function and cope daily.

It breaks my heart to hear people talk about their struggles in life.  Their anxiety and depression, their physical health deteriorating, their broken relationships, the pain of death and separation from those we love.  There is so much pain and suffering in this world and how do we reconcile it?  How do we get up and live each day without losing all hope?  How do we offer hope and healing to these hurting people?  My only answer is Christ.  I have seen Christ heal and give strength.  I have seen Him restore broken relationships.  I have seen Him work in my own life in so many ways.  He is the reason I can wake up each day and be thankful for what I have in my life and not focus on what I don’t have.  He is the reason I have hope and know that no matter what, He is there, He is in control, and He is working all things out for my good and His glory.  He is the reason I can love and forgive even when someone has wronged me and acted unjustly.  He is the reason I do not fear tomorrow, because I know He will always provide.  I know that no matter what happens, I do not need to worry because He is my strength and my hope.  If the worst happens, He is still there and He will give me the strength to get through it.  All this to say, I still struggle with fear and anxiety, but Christ gives me the strength to keep going and not to let my worries overwhelm me.    

This summer has probably been one of the worst times of my life, and yet, He has given me such strength and joy amidst the pain. He has carried me through and I know He will never let go.  Through job loss, financial insecurity, the pain of watching someone I love suffer and die, my own physical and mental sickness, and family struggles, God has been there and held me close.  He provided in every way needed and I truly believe I am stronger and more loving than I was six months ago.  Could I have done this without Him?  I don’t think so, but even if somehow I managed to make it through all of that on my own, I would have come out bitter, angry and cynical, not more loving, thankful and joyful.    

So what do I put my hope in?  I put my hope in Christ alone, who has died for me, the worst of all sinners.  Not by anything I have done to earn this, but by His grace alone.  So I encourage you, if you do not have a hope like this, consider it.  It is truth.  I’m always happy to talk about my faith and my struggles so please ask away!  I am broken, and I believe that sharing in one another’s brokenness and pointing one another to truth is what can help us heal.  I’m praying for you!   

I’ve listened to this song almost daily lately.  

Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuvfMDhTyMA