Guilt in a Pandemic

When thinking about what I wanted to write about today, I thought I would share some of the struggles of already being an anxious or depressed person and then also experiencing a worldwide pandemic WHILE being pregnant!

Overall, I am actually doing okay and I'm so thankful for that.  When I'm pregnant, I actually experience less anxiety which is a huge blessing.  However being pregnant in a pandemic is pretty scary, wondering about all the what ifs and possible things that can happen/go wrong.

It's tough to be stuck at home with a toddler that desperately wants to go outside and be social and being cooped up as a family definitely tries all of our patience!  However, I do know that we are so blessed to be safe in our home and able to stay at home in this time.  I have friends who are nurses who desperately want to be home, but are out on the frontlines serving our communities and I'm so thankful for them.

I think the biggest thing that weighs on me right now is guilt.  I feel judged a lot and I don't know if that is me putting that on myself, or if others are actually being judgy.  I worry every time I leave my house if my neighbours are wondering where I'm going, and if I'm doing something "essential" and whether I will be reported.  I worry about every post I post on Instagram in case someone can get me in trouble or judge me doing something they might think is unnessary.  I 100% think we all need to be doing what we can to stay home and flatten the curve and not contribute to the spread of Covid.  But I have also been reading a lot of posts about how judgmental people are being about what is essential and nonessential and making people feel terrible about what they are doing.  No, you should not be going out and wandering around when you don't need to, or having parties and gatherings, but as a mom of a toddler, I go crazy if we are all home all day.  If we need to go out for a drive or if I even need to meet up with a friend and sit in a parking lot in separate cars and have some physical social interaction WHILE BEING 2 METRES apart, who are you to judge that?  I think mental health is just as important as physical health and if someone is doing something safe to stay sane and be able to cope, that is essential.

Again, I have friends who are nurses who are putting themselves on the line and risking their own health and family's health to serve us, so I'm not advocating being stupid and putting yourself or others at risk, but I do think everyone's needs are different, so please don't judge others when their situation may be different than yours.  I've actually found the people that seem to be the loudest about staying home are the introverts and the people who have no young kids, because honestly, it's a lot easier to be home when you fit into those two categories!

So just a friendly reminder from someone who is struggling with mental health and guilt and trying to do her best to follow the rules...try not to be so judgy and put yourselves in others' shoes before you jump to conclusions.  A lot of times, the people you are judging aren't doing anything wrong, but it just looks unnecessary to you.  So be kind right now because we all need it and we certainly don't need more guilty and anxiety and stress in our lives!

Managing Anxiety and Covid-19

Everyone is talking about Covid-19 right now.  Some people are panicking and making things worse, but the reality is that this is the topic of conversation and it is on everyone's minds right now.  I thought I would write a post as someone who struggles with anxiety and how this is affecting me and some things I'm finding helpful right now.

First of all, I'm trying to stay calm and not worry.  I know that God is in control and fear only robs me of my joy today.  That being said there are real concerns and I'm also doing my best to be wise and make thoughtful decisions for myself and my family.  I'm rarely on social media these days and I'm finding that to be really really helpful for myself.  I think it's causing our focus to be on covid constantly and I know there is helpful and encouraging information out there, but I'd rather think less about all of it right now as it's on my mind enough as it is.  I encourage you that if you notice being on social media is causing more anxiety and stress to get rid of it for a time.

I think the social isolation part of this whole thing is what stresses me out the most and I think it's so important to be in community as we go through this.  I'm going to be setting up phone/Facetime dates with friends so that even if we can't see each other in person, we can be encouraging one another and spending time together in conversation.

I'm also trying to continue to have a positive and thankful attitude about what is going on.  Thankful that I can spend more time with my family, thankful that I can have some time at home to get stuff done around the house, thankful that in this country I will most likely continue to have access to food and health care if I need it.  I realize there are real concerns about finances, health, etc.  Believe me, most of these affect and concern me too but I'm trying to focus on what I can be thankful about in this time instead of worrying and complaining about what I can't control.

I have moments of worry and panic and as someone who has a compromised immune system, I do worry about my health.  I worry that the hospitals will become overcrowded and I may not get the help that I need if I need it.  But I know that these are future worries and they only give me anxiety and fear today and do not add anything to my life.  These may never be concerns for me and if they are, I once again know that God is in control and He will care for me as needed.  He has always supplied for my needs and I know He will continue to do so.

I want to also be generous and caring to those who are worried and possibly in need during this time.  I will not be hoarding things in my cupboard, but will be giving what I have to my friends and neighbours if they are in need.  I do not need things to be sitting in my cupboard while others are in need.  And if the time comes when I need those things again, I believe God will provide what I need.  I encourage others to do the same.  So please message me if you are in need of anything and maybe I can help!

I'm reading a book right now on healthy rhythms and how to better deal with anxiety by Rebekah Lyons.  It's been really helpful and it's keeping my perspective on what is important and how to deal with my anxiety in a healthy way.  It's been a great read so far and I highly recommend it.  I also want to keep my focus on things that are giving me hope and joy and not filling me with fear and worry.  I am thinking about listening to a sermon or a podcast each day to keep my thoughts away from covid-19.

I just wanted to share some of my coping strategies right now and I'm praying that anyone who reads this is given hope and encouragement.  This time will pass and let's focus on how we can live fully even during this difficult time.  Praying for you all and wishing you all good health <3

This quote popped up on my FB feed memories from 2011 yesterday and I thought it was quite fitting. "The fear of death follows from the fear of life.  A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time."  Let's all continue to live fully even in this scary time.

Free from Suffering

I haven't written a post in awhile and I wasn't really sure what to write about recently.  I've been reading through the book of Mark and the other day, I read Mark 5.  In that chapter, there is a passage about Jesus healing a sick woman who had been suffering with bleeding for twelve years.  I read these particular couple of verses and they struck me.  "When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, 'If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.' Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering."  I couldn't get this sentence out of my head once I read it.  It just blew me away!

As someone who has suffered from physical illness off and on, and with mental illness for many years, I wondered what that would feel like to feel in my body that I was freed from my suffering!  It seems unbelievable to me, but I can only imagine what an incredible feeling it would be.

I know I am healed now from sin and that ultimately death has no victory over me, but I wonder what it would feel like on this earth to know that I was freed from my physical and mental suffering.  Some  people experience this here and now and I am so thankful for that.  So far I have not, but that doesn't mean I can't keep praying for healing.

I just wanted to share this passage and my thoughts on it, because that line just wouldn't leave me and it encourages me greatly.  To know that I have experienced ultimate healing from sin and death is something I am so grateful for.  To know that others do experience healing here on earth from their physical and mental illnesses is also something to be hopeful for.  But ultimately knowing that someday when I am in Heaven, I will definitely know what it is like to feel in my body that I am free from suffering.  That is something to look forward to and to give me joy and hope here and now.  And I hope it does for you too!

Conquering fear, It's not always how you think...

A few months back, I wrote a post about how I was about to do a big, scary thing for me.  Well that big, scary thing is finished and I made it through!  I thought it would be good for me to write about it so that I can remember it in the future when I am struggling with other fears and anxieties.  And maybe I can encourage someone else by sharing my story.  

I thought I might feel a big sense of relief when I finished but I don't really.  The anxiety and fear just gradually faded away in time.  I wish I could say that something amazing came out of me accomplishing this fear of mine, but nothing life-altering happened either.

However, I am so thankful I faced my fear and accomplished what I set out to accomplish despite the paralyzing fear and anxiety that I felt emotionally and physically.  I know that this will give me future confidence when something else comes up that I feel I can't face.

I'm so thankful that God gave me the strength and daily grace I needed when I had to face my fears.  I will never stop being in awe of how He does that for me.

I still experienced crippling anxiety and awful physical symptoms from facing this fear, and I wish I could say that they magically went away as I did it, but they didn't.  I wish I could say I prayed about them and they vanished, but I think it shows more of God's amazing strength that He sustained me throughout it instead.

I know there were many things that I learned through this, and I know that it grew me in some pretty cool ways.  I hope most of all that other people can be encouraged as I tell my story and that they, too, can know that they can face their fears and come out of them stronger.

I will always say that courage is not that you won't experience fear and anxiety, but that you keep on going despite that fear.  Conquering fear may not look exactly like you would think, but it's a pretty great accomplishment when you complete something that you never thought you could.  If I can do it, so can you <3

When the Night Comes...

Ever since Colt was born, I've had a really hard time as night approaches.  I don't know what exactly it is, but something about the darkness closing in on me really stirs up my anxiety and depression.  I think it started when we were up all night with Colt and I just dreaded the long night knowing that I wouldn't get sleep.  However, now Colt sleeps through the night and I'm sleeping pretty well, and yet I still really struggle as night approaches.  It's like all my worst fears start playing in my head and everything looks so much scarier and hopeless.  

I don't know why this happens and I don't know how long it will last, but something that I have found really helpful is just knowing that when the morning comes, my fears and worries will seem less scary.  With the morning light, the big, looming things in my life that seemed so hopeless seem to fade away or at least fade in their significance.  I am thankful that I don't feel this fear and anxiety all day, and that there is hope and relief from the anxiety and fear that grip me at night.  

It helps me to know that joy and hope come in the morning, and so I cling to that each night if I am lying awake feeling hopeless and scared.  I know I am not alone in those moments and I cling to God and the promise that He is there and He knows my fears.  He will not let me face them alone and when the morning light comes, they often fade away and I have the strength to face the day.  Often, the big, scary things that seem so hopeless at night are things that never come to pass, or are things that I had worked up in my head that end up being fine when they actually do occur.  

I don't really know why I'm writing about this honestly.  I'm not sure if other people have this same struggle and fear the night, but if you do, I hope you can see the light in the morning.  I hope that your fears and your anxieties lessen with the day and that the fear of the night doesn't hold you in its grip.  If you do have this same struggle, you're not alone and I know how you feel!  I look forward to the day when there is no more night or at least no more darkness to fear <3

"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light.  I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night." -Sarah Williams

When God doesn't take the anxiety away...

I thought this would be a good post for today because this is something that has been so very true of my life.  Anxiety and depression have been a part of my life for a long time now, and so far God has not cured me of them or taken them away.  This has been something I've struggled with often, but overall I'm thankful for who these struggles have made me and how I've grown through them.  

One of the first things you often get asked by other Christians who have no experience with mental illness is if you have prayed about your anxiety.  It can also be framed in a way that makes you feel that if you only trusted God more, prayed more, read your Bible more, then your anxiety and depression should go away.  

Once again, this has not been my experience and it is one of my greatest frustrations with people who are just trying to help.  

But it doesn't help.  

In fact, it can be one of the most discouraging things someone struggling with mental illness can hear.  If I told you, my leg was broken, would you tell me to pray about it?  Would you ask me if I'm trusting God enough because if I was, then maybe my broken leg would be fixed?  Rarely does it work like that.  People with mental illness often have chemical imbalances and something in their mind/brain might not work like it is supposed to.  They often need medication to help them in this struggle.  Maybe the medication is just used for a time, but it can be a very real need.  (I do believe counselling is also a part of healing).  

My personal experience with anxiety and depression is that it has not been taken away.  However, amidst the pain and struggles, God has been present every step of the way.  He has given me wise counsellors, doctors and psychiatrists who have helped me in many ways.  He has given me friends and family to support me when I struggle.  He has given me medication that without, I would probably not be here today.  He has never left me alone, and He is the main reason I keep pressing on and fighting this battle.

He has not chosen to take away my illness.  Yes, I do pray about my anxiety.  Honestly, I probably pray about it more than anyone would realize because it's such a huge struggle.  Just recently I wrote about a really big challenge I faced.  I prayed so often about this big thing because it was impacting my life greatly.  I suffered many symptoms of the anxiety including nausea, loss of appetite, headaches, daily anxiety, upset stomach, loss of sleep, etc.  God did not take those away during this time even though I prayed constantly about it!  But He was there every step of the way, and He did give me daily grace to handle what I had to do.  I wish I had felt an overwhelming sense of peace when I prayed, and I wish my anxiety and symptoms just disappeared.  But that wasn't my experience, and it isn't the experience of so many people who struggle with their mental health.  

So, no, God has not chosen to take away my anxiety.  Oh, how I wish He would!  But at the same time, the way it makes me rely on Him so often and so much makes me thankful for it in a way.  Although that is really hard to say when I'm suffering so much physically from it.  So take heart those who struggle because you are not alone!  Many of us struggle and our faith is strong!  Sometimes there are sin issues we may need to deal with that are a cause of our anxiety, but for many people, mental illness is an affliction we will deal with for the rest of our lives.  So please lean on the One who knows your struggles and who walks through the valley with you.  He is there.  He may choose not to take away your pain and your illness, but He knows what is best for you and He is using it to mold you into someone more like Him.  

And for those of you who don't struggle or understand mental illness.  Please don't ask us if we have prayed about our struggles as though this is something that has never occurred to us.  Please don't tell us we don't have enough faith.  Encourage us in this battle.  Ask us how you can pray for us and what time of the day is hardest for us, so you can be praying at that time.  Share with us a Scripture that has encouraged you in hard times.  Ask us what practical things you can do to make our loads lighter.  Let us know you are there and you love us.  The last thing we need is more guilt, and I really don't think that is what God wants from our anxiety.  

You got this, friends.  Keep waking up each day and pressing on.  The world is so much better with you in it <3

Courage is not the Absence of Fear...

I've been thinking a lot about courage lately and facing my fears.  I have something coming up in my life that I have been fearing for a long time and it is finally approaching.  Daily, I teeter between being absolutely terrified and wanting to run away, and then finding my resolve and feeling confident that I can do this.  It doesn't really matter what my fear is.  We all have fears and some fears may not be understood by others, but if it is something that you fear, it is a real fear for you.  

I guess I'm hoping that by writing this, I have something on the record that I can look back on when this is all over and remember how I was feeling.  I want to remember how scared I am and what it feels like to have this fear looming over me.  I want to look back and hopefully be proud of myself for what I have accomplished.  I pray that my situation turns out well, but even if it doesn't, I know that I did the right thing by showing up and doing what I said I would do even when I was scared out of my mind.  

I believe I am meant to do what I am scared of.  That I have been called and equipped for this purpose in this current place and time.  I believe that all of my past experiences and past situations where I have faced my fears will help me accomplish what I have to do.  

I know that God will give me the strength I need to do this big, scary thing.  I've been really trying to focus on God and how big He is.  I've been trying to turn my eyes from this big, scary thing looming in front of me to God, and when I have my eyes on Him everything else shrinks out of sight.  Sometimes this calms the panic inside of me and other times, it's still there.  

I feel as though my thoughts are a bit jumbled today and I'm not sure where I want to go from here.  I guess I just want to encourage anyone who's reading this that if there is some big, scary thing looming in front of you to turn your eyes to the One who is greater than you, because when you're not focused on yourself, the fear becomes easier to manage.  I want you to know that you can face your fears and that even if you fail, you didn't really fail, because you still did what scared you and that is victory in itself.  You conquered that fear.  You looked it in the face and kept going.  It did not stop you.  

I want you to know that if you struggle with anxiety and panic and fear over even the most insignificant things there can be victory over that.  You can overcome it.  Some days are harder than others, but keep going and keep pushing through that fear and one day, it may not be there anymore, but even if it is, keep showing up and pushing that fear back.  You don't have to become boxed in by fear letting it steal your joy and letting it keep you down.  

So I leave you with this quote by Nelson Mandela.  

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.  The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."  

And this verse which has brought me comfort today.  

Psalm 16
I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
My body also will rest secure,
Because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
Nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life;
You will fill me with joy in Your Presence,
With eternal pleasures at Your right hand.