So here I am a month late with my second blog post. I apologize that it has taken me so long. In some ways, this post has been a lot harder for me to write than the first one. I have been fighting with myself to write a post for weeks now. I’m so thankful for all of the positive feedback on my first post and I see it as a kind gift from God. How do I follow that up? What do I say? I find myself asking, “What do others need to hear?” Honestly I really don’t know. I can start by writing what is on my heart and hope it turns out okay! So here goes…
This past month has been an interesting one for me in terms of my anxiety. I have been on a wait list to see a psychiatrist since May, and finally saw one about a month ago. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This was not really news to me as I have been very aware that I am anxious most days! However, it was a relief to finally put a diagnosis to it. This month has been one where I am dealing with my anxiety a lot, and trying to process how I live my life without it controlling me.
Sometimes I think, why was I chosen to fight this fight? It is so frustrating to go through life so prone to mood change and anxiety. Never knowing why exactly I feel the way I do, or why I am sad or anxious. My mood is like the tide, always changing. I try not to succumb to my feelings, and I try to give them to God but it is hard. I was reading an article this week and it was talking about our weaknesses and how we need to see them as areas in which God’s glory can be made great. Instead of beating ourselves up about them, we can pray that God will use them for His glory. That is my prayer for my anxiety.
Something that anxiety has made me very aware of is my need for God’s strength daily. Many things that are easy for other people or things that most people don’t even think about doing cause me anxiety. Driving makes me quite anxious, but also starting new jobs, or doing anything that puts me in the spotlight causes me to go into major panic mode. Honestly, sometimes I just have to laugh at myself because I feel so ridiculous in my anxiety. However, these little things cause me to cry out to God daily, and often throughout the day because I need Him to help me get through those things. When I drive somewhere without anxiety, I thank God. When I have anxiety but manage to hold it together, I praise God for helping me get through it. Life is hard and it’s even harder when you are broken. We are all broken in some way because of sin, and I think God often breaks us to draw us closer to Him. My brain is broken. It doesn‘t work the way it is supposed to. It doesn’t work like a person who doesn’t struggle with anxiety. It’s hard and I often wonder why I have to go through this. But I really don’t think I would change it because it truly does draw me closer to God and helps me give my all to Him. He draws me close and there have been so many times that He comforts me and brings me peace, or just assures me that He is there and that He loves me.
These are just some thoughts that I am processing as I think about this diagnosis and about my struggles with anxiety. I am so thankful for the many ways God has provided help through medication, counselling and encouragement from those around me. Even though I struggle daily with anxiety, I know that God is present in my struggles. He says in Hebrews 4:15, “We do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet he did not sin.” I am so thankful that I have a God who understands what I am going through, and while I do often sin in my weaknesses, He did not and I can look to Him for grace and strength to get me through my days.
Thanks for reading. I hope this can encourage you and give you hope. Also please feel free to email me at natalieannhowson@hotmail.com if you have any comments or questions. I’m still trying to figure this whole blog thing out, and I’m not sure if the comments are working on here!
Much love!
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