I was thinking about what I wanted to write about this week and was having a hard time knowing what to share and how I could encourage others by my words. Honestly, I’m having a hard time adjusting to new medication and it’s hard to function normally and live well. I so long to feel at peace and feel well again. I pray this struggle is only for a short time as I figure out medications and dosages and all that, but it’s hard to stay positive and continue to be thankful amidst these circumstances.
Even as I write this, I know there are people who are way sicker than me and struggling way more. Not that this minimizes what I am going through, but I do acknowledge that I have a lot to be thankful for. I am thankful for medication that can help make my life easier. I am thankful for our health care system, though not perfect, so much better than so many other places around the world. I am thankful for kind friends and family who pray and support me in many ways.
I am really trying to do all I can to take care of my body and rest, but it is so hard. I want to be able to do all I could do before when I was feeling well, but I can’t. I want to give and share and help others, but I only have so much energy and strength to give right now. This is such a struggle for me, because I love people and serving and often don’t know my limits of how much to do, be, etc.
And then I struggle with guilt. I didn’t do such and such today so I failed, or I couldn’t get together with this person so I feel like a bad friend. It’s so hard not to make myself feel worse because of this guilt, but I know that it is not from God. I know I have to take care of myself right now especially, but all the time as well. There is only so much God has called me to do and I shouldn’t be doing what He hasn’t set aside for me to do. He has called someone else to do that.
These are just some thoughts that have been going through my head these last couple of weeks as I live in the tension of not being extremely ill but also not being well. I am a perfectionist and can be so hard on myself and I’m trying to let that go. It’s not easy, but I have to continually remind myself that I am perfect and loved by God just as I am. He has redeemed me and there is nothing more I can do to be worthy of His love. Yes, I still need to live for Him and honour Him with my life, but I cannot earn His love.
I am so thankful for this. And in some ways being sick reminds me of this. I am not able to do all I can normally do. I have to take it easy and relax. I have to rely on God for the strength to get me through each day and I have to trust Him that He will give me the energy to do what He wants me to do each day. All the other things can wait. So I didn’t clean my kitchen today, or workout, or even shower, but I am still worthy. I am still loved. And if today was a hard day and all I did was breathe and make it through, that is ok. God is present and He knows and I am so thankful for that. So I pray that can encourage you too. Whether you are a perfectionist or not, whether you are sick or not, whether life is great or not. You are loved, just as you are, nothing to prove.
I read this verse today and changed the pronoun from he to she, but it encouraged me so much and I’m going to memorize it this month.
Psalm 91:14-16
“Because she loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue her; I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name. She will call on me, and I will answer her; I will be with her in trouble, I will deliver her and honour her. With long life I will satisfy her and show her my salvation.”
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