This is such a tough question and something that I think that most of us who struggle with any kind of suffering have to deal with. Where is God in my pain? Why did He allow this? I will never be able to fully answer this question, but I can share my own personal experience of dealing with suffering and wrestling through this issue.
I have been going through some tough stuff with my mental health over the past few weeks. I went off of one medication because the doctors and psychiatrists I had seen had suggested another medication might be better for me. The diagnosis of bipolar disorder that I had been given years ago did not seem to fit for me and a few of the specialists I saw were questioning it. They suggested I try going off of the medication I was on and see if I could cope without a medication, and if I did need something to help with my anxiety, I could go on something that would help with that. This was all very confusing to me as I had pretty much accepted that I had bipolar disorder and would have to be on medication all of my life. Now all of a sudden, I could potentially be off everything and function on my own. This was exciting, but also a scary decision to make as I could react very negatively if I went off my medication, and I did have bipolar disorder. Anyway I decided to risk it to see if I could function without medication. I knew that God would care for me no matter the outcome and would carry me throughout this whole journey.
Honestly, the past few weeks have been some of the hardest times of my life. After I was off my medication which helped some with anxiety, my anxiety came on with a vengeance and I could barely cope. I had no idea why this was happening, and why, when I was trying to do everything right and care for myself the best I could, I could not control this anxiety and live a normal life. I had awful physical and emotional symptoms and everyday was a struggle to get up and do what I had to do. I’m still going through this difficult time and although it is getting better, I still struggle to understand why this is happening. I am back on another medication that helps with anxiety and my body is still adjusting to it. As much as I wanted to be off medication, it looks as though I need it to function normally. I am coming to terms with this, and I am thankful that there is something to help me cope.
However, all that aside, God has never been more present or stopped caring for me every minute of every day. He has surrounded me with people who have been praying for me daily and I have felt that prayer. He has given me a supportive husband and a wonderful family who never stopped serving me practically. He has provided me with so many sweet friends who daily texted me checking in on me, or spent time with me giving me that strength I needed to make it through my days. So where is God when I am suffering? He is there. I may not always feel Him but I know that He is there. He always gives me exactly what I need when I need it, and He always gives me His strength to do what I need to do. He provides over and above what I need. Does this mean that it is easy? Not at all. Most days are still a struggle and it is unbearable at times. Do I understand why I have to suffer in this way at this time? No, however, I believe that what I am going through is making me a stronger person and someone who is more like Christ. I am able to minister to others in different ways because of what I have gone through and what I am going through. I know that what He allows is for my good and His glory. And honestly, if I can encourage one person as I suffer, it is worth it. I pray often that I suffer well and with grace.
So to those of you who are suffering. Trust me, God knows and He is there. It may not always feel like it, but He loves you so much more than you know and He will give you the grace to make it through your suffering. Christ suffered more than we ever will, and He knows what we are going through. Take comfort in that! And when you come out the other side, by His grace, you will be more like Him and hopefully more loving and compassionate to others. You are not alone!
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18
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