Focusing Outward

Anxiety and depression cause us to focus inward.  How do we shift our focus outward?  

I have heard of this struggle from friends, and have found it to be a struggle for me as well.  Anxiety makes us so fearful and obsessive and basically causes us to be focused only on ourselves.  This is something we need to strongly combat against.  I think it is normal to struggle with this when one struggles with anxiety.  It is ok to feel nervous or anxious.  You cannot really help that when you deal with anxiety.  However, we can choose how we respond to our anxious thoughts.  We can choose to dwell on them and obsess over them, or we can give them over to God.  We can take them captive and then throw them away.  We can choose to focus on things that are pure and lovely and right and true.  (Philippians 4:8)  I always find that it helps to pray to God and ask Him to take away my anxious thoughts.  I try to quote Scripture verses or try to distract myself with other thoughts.  One thing that has really helped me when I feel caught up in my own head, is to then think of others.  Think of how you can reach out to someone else who may be struggling or how you can encourage a friend.  I often go through my texts on my phone and think of who I can text to see how they are doing.  I can try to remember prayer requests from friends and spend some time praying about them.  I may be really struggling with something and my struggles are real, but there are other people who may have it worse or who need something from me at that time.  I can reach out to others and it really helps.  It gets my focus off of me and onto someone else.  Then I am no longer caught up in my own thoughts, and I am encouraging someone who may need to hear from me that day.  

Now there are definitely times when I am really struggling and I cannot seem to get out of my own head.  I am worried and fearful and all I can think about are my own issues.  This definitely can happen and like I have said before, my brain does not work properly and there are times when I may be emotionally sick and I have to focus on taking care of myself.  That is okay.  Do not let yourself feel guilty for that.  When we are sick, we need to take care of ourselves.  The other danger of focusing on others is that we do not pay attention to our own needs at all and then we have no reserve to give from.  We need to make sure we are taking care of ourselves, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  We cannot give to others until we are full ourselves.  This is especially true spiritually.  We need to make sure that we are in the Word of God and spending time praying.  I also find it helpful to be reading all the time.  I had this goal about two years ago to read a chapter of a book every day.  I have been doing it and since then have read many, many books.  This is an easy goal to have and it helps grow me spiritually too.  I try to choose spiritual growth books that keep me learning and growing in my faith.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been challenged, impacted and encouraged by what I have been reading.  And one chapter a day really is not that daunting.  You can do it!  

So this is my challenge to you today if you struggle with anxiety or depression or even if you don’t, but you find yourself too inwardly focused.  Try to focus on someone else today and try to get out of your own head.  Think of one way you can encourage someone else.  Also, start reading a book that can encourage you in your faith and take your mind off of your anxiety.  These are some things that have really helped me in my journey and I hope they can help you too.   

Joy in Suffering

What does it mean to have true joy in suffering?

This is a good question.  Does this mean that I have to be happy that I am suffering?  Or that I have to be happy when bad things happen to me and those I love?  No, but it does mean that we still have hope in Christ during these times and that we are joyful in hope, patient in affliction.  We know that these are light and momentary struggles that are achieving for us a treasure that far outweighs them. (2 Corinthians 4:17) This gives me so much hope and courage and strength.  I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, and I put my hope in that daily.  I am not happy when I am lying paralyzed in bed because I cannot get up due to my anxiety or depression.  I hate that my anxiety and fear can stop me from doing what I want to do.  No, that does not make me joyful.  But I am joyful when I remember that Christ has fought the battle for me and no matter what I struggle with here on earth, He will be here with me.  He is here with me now, and He has defeated Satan and sin and death and when He returns, I will no longer have to deal with anxiety and stress and depression.  This gives me joy. 

I also have joy when I achieve things throughout the day that I thought I could not do.  When God gives me strength to accomplish tasks that feel impossible, I am so filled with thankfulness and joy that He helped me to accomplish them.  

I also feel joy when I know that God is working on something in me, and it gives me hope and a purpose when I know that He is refining my character through my struggles.  Struggles are anything but fun, but when I can remember that He is making me more like Him and making my character reflect His, I am joyful in that.  I also know that He is right by my side throughout all of my struggles and that anything that I suffer from, He has already suffered from and defeated.  We are fighting a battle that is already ultimately won!  This is so wonderful and gives me great joy.  

I also find I have joy when I have an attitude of gratitude.  It is so easy to focus on all that is going wrong in our day when we should be so grateful for all the many ways in which we have been blessed.  There is always someone who has more than you, but there is also always someone who has less.  Be grateful for what God has placed in your life and for the many blessings He pours out on you daily.  You may not always see them right away, but trust me, they are there.  I try to think of five things every day that I am thankful for.  It was hard at first, but over time I realized there is so much I have to be thankful for and even when my day is hard, I realize it could be worse.  This is not to minimize the pain that some of us go through, but I really have found that in the midst of pain, there can be true joy when I practice gratitude.  

Meditate on these things when you are struggling and you want to have joy.  This mindset is one that has to be cultivated too.  It does not come naturally to us.  We have to steep our minds in the Word of God and be actively involved in a relationship with Jesus.  We also need to worship with other Christians and be surrounding ourselves with people who think this way as well.  It does not help us to surround ourselves with negative people who only pull us down and not lift us up. We will become like those we surround ourselves with, and it is so much easier to be pulled down than to lift someone up.  We still need to reach out to these people and love them but limit our time with them.  Use your wisdom.  Jesus reached out to those around Him, but who did He surround Himself with?  His disciples-those who knew and loved Him and wanted to serve Him.  Yes, they made many mistakes but God knew their hearts, and He poured into them and made them into strong and courageous men of faith.  He can, and will do that for you too if you keep trusting in Him and following Him and glorifying Him in all that you do.  Keep fighting for the faith.  Do not give up.  He is making us more into His image all the time.  I am so thankful for this!

Finally, this is a quote that I found and that encouraged me as I was reading The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.  

“I do not pray that you may be delivered from your pains, but I pray to God earnestly that He would give you strength and patience to bear them as long as He pleases.  Comfort yourself with Him who holds you fastened to the cross.  He will loose you when He thinks fit.  Happy those who suffer with Him: accustom yourself to suffer in that manner, and seek from Him the strength to endure as much, and as long, as He shall judge to be necessary for you.  The men of the world do not comprehend these truths, nor is it to be wondered at, since they suffer like what they are, and not like Christians.  They consider sickness as a pain to nature, and not as a favour from God; and seeing it only in that light, they find nothing in it but grief and distress.  But those who consider sickness as coming from the hand of God, as the effect of His mercy, and the means which He employs for their salvation- such, commonly find in it great sweetness and sensible consolation.  I wish you could convince yourself that God is often (in some sense) nearer to us, and more effectually present with us, in sickness than in health.” 

Hold on to me, cause I'm a little unsteady...

Lately there has been a song playing on the radio by the X Ambassadors called “Unsteady”.  A couple of verses from the song really resonated with me as I thought about mental illness.  The chorus says, “Hold on to me, cause I’m a little unsteady…if you love me, don’t let go.” I love this because I think often those who struggle with anxiety and depression long for this.  We are drowning in our heads and desperately want someone to hold us above the water.  We need others to understand.  We need to somehow not feel so alone, to escape our thoughts when we feel trapped inside our heads.  I believe we need to run to God during these times, and I believe He is the one who will always hold onto us.  But I also think we need people to come alongside us during this time and hold us up when we can’t do it on our own anymore. 

You may be saying, I don’t struggle with mental health issues.  How do I support someone who does?  This is a tough question.  It is so hard for people who do not struggle with mental health to be supportive of people who do when they do not understand it.  I completely understand this.  It is only normal, we cannot fully understand what someone else is going through until we have been there ourselves.  However, you can be supportive of someone even though you have not been through the same situation.  I think the most important thing for Christians is to be in prayer for someone struggling.  Make sure that you are pouring your heart out before God in intercession for this person.  People struggling are often at the point where they can’t pray for themselves.  They have no words and they need someone to cry out to God for them.  Prayer is the most loving and wonderful thing we can do for people and something we can do anytime, anywhere.  The person does not even have to know you are praying for them, although it is a huge encouragement to me when I know people are praying for me.

The next important thing to do is to listen.  Read it again...listen!  You do not need to know the perfect thing to say, the Christian thing to say, the right thing to say.  You simply need to listen and empathize.  Ask the person to describe how they are thinking so you can understand a little bit more.  I know I always struggle with jumping ahead in my mind as someone is talking, so that I can say the right thing.  I am not really listening to them, I am thinking of what I am going to say next.  Do not do this!  Just relax and listen.  I often do not want someone to give me advice or an answer when I am struggling with something.  I want a listening, empathetic ear.  If I want advice, I ask.  If they do ask, you can do your best to give your thoughts but just be careful what you say.  Remember you have not been through this before so just be gentle and cautious.  Never underestimate the power of just being with someone and saying nothing.  When I’m feeling anxious or depressed sometimes I just want someone to be with me to distract me.  Hanging out with a good friend can help me get out of my head when I’m going crazy with my thoughts. 

Another really helpful thing to do is to pray with them, if they are a Christian or even if they are not.  You can always ask them if they would like prayer.  Alot of people do, even if they are not professing Christians.  They want anything that might help!  This is such a cool opportunity so make the most of it.  It is such a privilege to pray with other believers and people who are searching for help.  

This next part is so important!  Please never give up on friends who are struggling with depression and anxiety.  I realize it may not be fun to hang out with them or to listen to their struggles.  It can even be painful at times, and there is a time when you may need to encourage them to focus on something else or to challenge them on an attitude.  But it is imperative that they still feel loved and accepted by you even though they may not be the most exciting company.  I know when I feel depressed or anxious, I often need a friend to be with me and encourage me and then I might even come out of my sad mood or my anxious thoughts.  Remember to mourn with those who mourn.  This friendship may not be benefiting you at this time, but there are cycles in friendships and maybe one day you will need that same acceptance and love.  Or you may never receive what you need from this friendship, but you may gain it from another.  Remember God gives us what we need, and you may be what your friend needs at this time.  

For those of you who are struggling with mental illness, one thing that has been really healing for me has been talking about my struggles.  I was surprised with how many people I have been honest with and who I shared what was really going on in my life and my soul.  It really was healing for me.  I encourage you to do this even if you are someone who keeps things to themselves.  It has been so encouraging to me to know that people are praying for me and that these people who call themselves my friends truly want to know what is going on with me.  They want to give me hugs and know my heart.  They want to pray for me.  I was surprised I did not meet with any judgment or misunderstanding.  That is not always the case but I think it has been God’s gift to me.  Do be wise with who you open up to.  Make sure the people are trustworthy, but I encourage you, please reach out and be honest.  People may surprise you.  And if you are like me and you like to talk, it can be really healing to express yourself.  A counsellor can also be helpful in this regard.  They are trained professionals who can really help you get out of your head and process your thoughts in a healthy way.   

As I write, I hope God grants me the wisdom to write what He has put on my heart.  That He would give me the words to say and that these words would breathe life into someone’s soul.  My whole purpose and passion in life is Christ.  In what He has done for me and who He has made me.  My whole life revolves around Him and I can never repay Him for what He has done for me.  I am so thankful that He turns what is meant for evil into good.  My illness has so affected me and it could have destroyed me.  It could have even killed me.  However, God has taken it and used it to transform my life and make me more like Him.  He has refined me like gold.  I am not perfect and this side of Heaven, I will never be.  But I hope He brings me close throughout this life journey.  The closer I walk with Him, the more He will transform me into His likeness and I love that about life.  He will never leave me and never give up on me.  He will continue to convict me when needed and shape me into someone more like Christ.  This process is often hard but I would not change it for anything.  I believe He can do the same for you.  Keep seeking Him and crying out to Him.  I promise you, He hears you and is there even when you don’t feel Him.  Keep your head above water, and I pray that He will bring people alongside you to hold you up when you feel unsteady.  And I pray for those who are trying to support loved ones with mental illness and don’t understand fully, that you will be a support to listen and pray with your loved ones and to speak truth to them when they can’t speak it to themselves.  

Isaiah 40: 27-31 (emphasis mine)

“Why do you complain, Jacob?

Why do you say, Israel,

“My way is hidden from the Lord;

my cause is disregarded by my God”?

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.”

Processing Brokenness

So here I am a month late with my second blog post.  I apologize that it has taken me so long.  In some ways, this post has been a lot harder for me to write than the first one.  I have been fighting with myself to write a post for weeks now.  I’m so thankful for all of the positive feedback on my first post and I see it as a kind gift from God.  How do I follow that up?  What do I say?  I find myself asking, “What do others need to hear?”  Honestly I really don’t know.  I can start by writing what is on my heart and hope it turns out okay!  So here goes…

This past month has been an interesting one for me in terms of my anxiety.  I have been on a wait list to see a psychiatrist since May, and finally saw one about a month ago.  I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  This was not really news to me as I have been very aware that I am anxious most days!  However, it was a relief to finally put a diagnosis to it.  This month has been one where I am dealing with my anxiety a lot, and trying to process how I live my life without it controlling me.  

Sometimes I think, why was I chosen to fight this fight?  It is so frustrating to go through life so prone to mood change and anxiety.  Never knowing why exactly I feel the way I do, or why I am sad or anxious.  My mood is like the tide, always changing.  I try not to succumb to my feelings, and I try to give them to God but it is hard.  I was reading an article this week and it was talking about our weaknesses and how we need to see them as areas in which God’s glory can be made great.  Instead of beating ourselves up about them, we can pray that God will use them for His glory.  That is my prayer for my anxiety.  

Something that anxiety has made me very aware of is my need for God’s strength daily.  Many things that are easy for other people or things that most people don’t even think about doing cause me anxiety.  Driving makes me quite anxious, but also starting new jobs, or doing anything that puts me in the spotlight causes me to go into major panic mode.  Honestly, sometimes I just have to laugh at myself because I feel so ridiculous in my anxiety.  However, these little things cause me to cry out to God daily, and often throughout the day because I need Him to help me get through those things.  When I drive somewhere without anxiety, I thank God.  When I have anxiety but manage to hold it together, I praise God for helping me get through it.  Life is hard and it’s even harder when you are broken.  We are all broken in some way because of sin, and I think God often breaks us to draw us closer to Him.  My brain is broken.  It doesn‘t work the way it is supposed to.  It doesn’t work like a person who doesn’t struggle with anxiety.  It’s hard and I often wonder why I have to go through this.  But I really don’t think I would change it because it truly does draw me closer to God and helps me give my all to Him.  He draws me close and there have been so many times that He comforts me and brings me peace, or just assures me that He is there and that He loves me. 

These are just some thoughts that I am processing as I think about this diagnosis and about my struggles with anxiety.  I am so thankful for the many ways God has provided help through medication, counselling and encouragement from those around me.  Even though I struggle daily with anxiety, I know that God is present in my struggles.  He says in Hebrews 4:15, “We do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet he did not sin.”  I am so thankful that I have a God who understands what I am going through, and while I do often sin in my weaknesses, He did not and I can look to Him for grace and strength to get me through my days.  

Thanks for reading.  I hope this can encourage you and give you hope.  Also please feel free to email me at natalieannhowson@hotmail.com if you have any comments or questions.  I’m still trying to figure this whole blog thing out, and I’m not sure if the comments are working on here!

Much love!

"There is so much Beauty in the Broken"

This is my story.  The story of a woman who has a mental illness.  The story of a woman who is daily fighting her anxiety, sometimes depression, but who has experienced so much joy and peace because of this illness.  Sharing my story publicly has been scary for me, but I believe there is so much healing in vulnerability, both for the one sharing their story and also for those who hear it.  My hope is that my story can encourage others and give hope.  My prayer is that my story can draw people closer to Christ, and see that despite what we face in this world, He is constant and He is faithful.  Thank you for taking the time to read what I have written and I truly hope it can be encouraging to you.      

In December of 2009, I was diagnosed with Seasonal Bipolar II disorder.  Honestly, the diagnosis was somewhat of a relief for me as I had been struggling with depression for a few months and just wanted to know what was wrong with me.  My initial thoughts were of unbelief.  How could I have bipolar disorder?  I’m not "crazy"!  My only experience of people with bipolar disorder were the people on tv who were portrayed as unpredictable and unbalanced.  How could this be?  I didn’t do any of those things.  Aren’t people with bipolar disorder mentally unbalanced and unable to control themselves?  Now I was labeled in the same category as them.  What did this mean?  

This began my journey, six years ago, of learning to live with a mental illness.  It has not been easy.  In fact, it’s been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  There have been days of such darkness, I did not think I could survive.  There have also been days of such joy, I wouldn’t change a thing.  This is the story of how I have grown and changed because of this illness.  Changed in such ways that I could never have imagined or that would not have been possible without this illness.  This has been my thorn in the flesh.  I have prayed for it to be removed.  I have prayed for healing.  God, thus far, has not chosen to heal me from it, and I have learned to accept that.  He has, however, been with me through it all and has made me more into his likeness through it.  My relationship with Him has grown because of it, and I would not change that for anything.  He has become more of a Friend, a Saviour, a Rescuer and a Sustainer.  Without Him, I would have no hope.  I would have no reason to get up in the morning.  Yet, throughout this journey, I have discovered more joy, more patience, and more compassion than I ever knew I could possess, all thanks to Christ. 

I am finding out more and more that so many people are struggling with their mental health.  I knew that this was true, but as I have been writing and sharing with people my struggles, it has been so interesting how many other people I have found with these same struggles.  My heart breaks for people who do not have anyone to open up to and share their heart with.  People who do not have the support system that I have been so blessed to have.  I long to speak to everyone who is struggling and to let them know that they are not alone.  They do not have to suffer alone.  They are strong and they are courageous and they can receive help and function.  We are not in this battle alone.  God is available to us and can be fighting for us when we know Him and trust in Him.  Anxiety and depression are so exhausting, and it is so hard to be fighting this alone.  Please have courage and know that I have felt overwhelmed with anxiety and depression, and I have come out the other side. 

This blog will be my story about my experiences as I have worked through many issues, questioned God, learned more about myself and others, and so much more.  I hope my story can help you and encourage you whether you have a mental illness or whether you are close to someone who has one.  God has used my illness to help me encourage and empathize with others.  May God work mightily through the words that He has given me.  May your hearts be changed and encouraged by His everlasting and unchanging love.  Mental illness may be scary and your mood may change daily, but God is faithful and will never give up on you.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Much love,

Natalie

If you have any questions or comments, my email is natalieannhowson@hotmail.com.  I would love to hear from you!