We need vulnerability

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” -Timothy Keller

There is something so comforting about being heard and understood.  Something so healing about hearing someone say they know exactly how you are feeling and being right there in the midst of all your brokenness with you.  We are all broken, and those who don’t admit it are just better at hiding it.  

As I’ve been dealing with many painful life situations this summer, I would say that what has kept me sane, besides my faith and my relationship with God, has been those around me who have listened to me vent and express my anger, those who have cried with me as I cried, and those who have accepted me unconditionally when I didn’t have anything together.  These people have come alongside me and been my comfort and I believe that is so crucial in life and especially essential for Christians.  We need people to ask us how we are and really listen for the response.  We need to be open when asked how we are, to be free to respond with, “I’m not okay and I’m really struggling right now.”  This is vulnerability, this is honesty, and this is healing.

I know how much this has meant to me, and I want this to be how others feel around me.  To know that they can be completely honest with me.  To express how much life hurts sometimes and to admit that they are a mess.  I want them to know that I’m a mess too, but it’s ok.  We are all broken, but that does not mean we are defeated.  In Christ, we have victory and He will give us the strength to make it through what life throws at us.  However, in the messiness of life, we need each other to lean on, to cry with, to process life together and to be honest about how we feel and what we need.  My hope is that we can be this way for each other.  Because when we open up and are honest with one another that is healing.  For ourselves and for others.  

In the last week, I’ve talked to several dear friends who are struggling with painful life issues like eating disorders, depression and anxiety, poor health, struggles in their marriage, job loss, etc.  Life is painful and we are all broken and struggling.  If things are going well now, its only a matter of time before something falls apart.  This is the world we live in.  But take heart!  God has overcome the world, and He has given us the power to as well.  And I pray He enables us to be Christ to the broken, to be courageous and speak the truth, and to love deeper than we ever thought possible.  We are all broken and we need one another desperately.  So find someone safe to be vulnerable  with, and make sure that you are that safe person for others too.  This is my prayer for you all!    

I was listening to this song the other day and it was just perfect to include in this blog!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdmgpMfnjdU

The Servant Song

Will you let me be your servant

Let me be as Christ to you

Pray that I might have the grace

To let me be your servant too

We are pilgrims on the journey

We are brothers on the road

We are here to help each other

Walk the mile and bear the load

I will hold the Christ light for you

In the night time of your fear

I will hold my hand out to you

Speak the the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping

When you laugh, I'll laugh with you

I will share your joy and sorrow

Till we've seen this journey through.

When we sing to God in heaven

We shall find such harmony

Born to all we've known together

Of Christ's love and agony

Finding Peace Amidst the Chaos

This summer has been one of the most challenging and heart-wrenching times of my life.  There have been so many things that have happened all in a short amount of time and all big enough to deal with on their own, let alone all of it happening together.  Despite all of this, I can say that I have found peace throughout it all.  It has not been painless, quite the opposite, and most of it has not made sense to me, but God and I have had lots of time to talk it over, and despite me not understanding what is happening, I trust Him in it all.  

There have been moments I’ve felt like everything is in chaos.  My health, my family, my work life, my home…and yet in those moments, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace.  Peace that I can’t explain.  Peace that just flowed from a Divine source, assuring me He was still there.  Life is still good, He is still good.  

Sometimes I would start to feel proud, thinking hey I’m still going, I must be pretty strong, and then I would realize, the only way I’m making it through all of this is because there is one who is stronger and wiser and greater than me, sustaining me in His strength.  I really could not do this on my own.  Most days I didn’t know how I would get through the day, how I could handle anymore.  I just wanted to let go of life here on earth and be with Christ, whole and healthy and free from all this suffering and pain.  Honestly, sometimes life just sucks…and you know what?  In a way, that’s ok with me.  It makes me long for something more.  It makes me long for my future in Heaven, and it makes me look ahead to that day when all will be made new on earth and there will be no more suffering or pain or death or hurt.  

That being said, getting through the sucky times here on earth is excruciating, but that is why I am so glad there is hope.  I am so glad that there can be peace amidst the chaos.  I am so thankful to know that in my darkest moments, God is good and He is there and He is giving me just what I need to make it through those moments.  He will give you that too.  Cry out to Him, He will save you.  

Isaiah 35:4

“Say to those with fearful hearts, ’Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, He will come with vengeance; with divine retribution. He will come to save you’.”

This song came to mind as I was writing this- “He Will Come and Save You” by Bob Fitts

Say to those who are fearful hearted

Do not be afraid

The Lord your God will come

And with His mighty arm

When you call on His Name

He will come and save you

Chorus:

He will come and save you

He will come and save you

Say to the weary one

Your God will surely come

He will come and save you

He will come and save you

Lift up your eyes to Him

You will arise again

He will come and save you

Say those who are broken hearted

Do not lose your faith

The Lord your God will come

And with His loving hand

When you call on His Name

He will come and save you

Bridge:

He is our refuge in the day of trouble

He is our shelter in the time of storm

He is our tower in the day of sorrow

Our fortress in the time of war

We are not meant to suffer alone

As I’m walking my through my own journey of suffering, one of poor health and many unknowns, I am also watching others walk through their journeys of suffering and pain.  One thing that won’t leave my mind is that we were not meant to suffer alone.  As painful as it is to suffer, it is just unbearable to do it alone.  And as painful as it is to watch someone we love suffer, it is so essential that we come alongside them and enter into their suffering with them.  It is such a beautiful thing to enter into someone else’s suffering and be present with them through their pain.  To hold someone’s hand as they are dying a slow and painful death, to hug them and not be able to offer anything but your presence and your tears.  To comfort with your presence means more than we will ever know.  Everything in me wants to run the opposite direction when I see pain and suffering and unbearable hurt.  I don’t know what to say, I don’t want them to see me cry.  I don’t know what to do.  It is so uncomfortable.  And yet, I think it is the most beautiful and precious thing to sit by their side and though I may not know what to say or do, I can be present and show my love by entering into their suffering and pain.  

I have my own suffering and right now it is almost more than I can bear.  But there are people around me that I love dearly that are suffering more than me.  Sometimes I think I can’t go on another day, I can’t watch this suffering anymore.  And yet, I know that is not for me to decide.  All I can do is choose to show up and be there for that person.  Sure I can pray for them and that means so much, but I also need to put my faith into action and even though it is unbearably painful for me, I need to enter into other’s suffering and suffer with them.  Even when all I can do is sob uncontrollably and my heart breaks beyond what I think I can handle.  

There is so much pain and brokenness in this life and it is hard to watch.  It is even harder when it affects you and those you love.  We are all broken and we are all in need of people to suffer with us when we suffer.  We are not meant to do this alone.  Whether we are suffering physically, mentally, spiritually, whatever we are facing, we are not meant to do it alone.  And no matter what, we are never alone when we have Christ.  He is always there, even when people fail us, which they will.  We always have a hope in Christ.  That is my comfort.  

So please, don’t run the other way when those around you are suffering.  Run to them, comfort them, sit with them, cry with them, enter into their pain.  Because as painful as it is for you, it means more than you know and in the end, you will be glad you were a part of that journey.  Not only for what it teaches you but also for what it gives to them.  Christ is always with us, so let’s embody Christ to those around us, let’s be his hands and feet in this world.   Because I know He would be holding the hand of the dying person you know, He would be sitting with those who are broken and alone and hurting, He would be not be afraid of discomfort if it meant comfort for someone else. He is close to the broken hearted and lonely and suffering.  Let us do the same.    

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

Galatians 6:2

And still, He is good.

I really don’t know what to write today.  I’m trying to think of what I can say to describe my journey over the last two months, but I’m really struggling to know what to say.  I think what I have been trying to focus on over the last year is that God is good no matter what.  No matter what I am going through or what happens to me, God is good.  So as I suffer in this life, everything I go through has to be filtered through that lense.  There is a purpose in my suffering.  It will produce Christlikeness in me if I am seeking that.  

It has been two months since I have stopped my medication and then was put on another one.  The last two months have been pretty awful both physically and emotionally.  I keep hoping I will feel better, but so far, I have stayed the same or it feels like things are getting worse.  I’m starting to get discouraged and am wondering if I will ever feel healthy and well again.  I have no appetite and feel sick most of the time.  I am not sleeping well and that makes functioning well pretty difficult.  I am quite anxious and restless and so, so tired.  I am not functioning at the level I am used to and that is discouraging.  I really feel like I have no strength to go on.

However, in all that, I still believe that God is good.  I do not believe that He is hovering over me watching me disengaged and uninterested in what I am going through.  I know that He is present and I have felt His presence this entire time.  I am so thankful that I have the hope of knowing that this is under His control and that no matter what happens, He’s got this.  He knows how I am feeling and He gives me exactly what I need to make it through each day.  I am constantly amazed by the ways that He ministers to me in the exact way that I need it when I need it.  I know I am lifted up in prayer by so many and these struggles make me run to Him even more in prayer.  I know I am surrounded by so many who care and love me.  I am also very often in prayer for others because I know what it is to suffer and I know how important prayer is.  

I hope that in time, my suffering will end and that my medication issues will be figured out and that I will be healthy again both mentally and physically.  However, if that never happens and I live the rest of my life sick and unwell, I believe that God is still good and that He still cares for me.  He will give me the strength to get through each day and He is using this pain and suffering for a greater purpose.  He is still good.  And He has still given the ultimate and greatest gift in His Son, my Saviour, so I know that this suffering is only temporary.  At the end of my life whenever that is, I will not suffer anymore.  I will be with Him and my mind and my body will be perfectly healthy and joyful.  This is the hope I hold on to.  This is what gives me strength.  He is still good, no matter my situation, He is still good.  

     

This is a song we have started singing in church and I listen to it often right now.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUW3tl4-5h8

“When the night is holding on to me, God is holding on.”

         

Living with the tension of sickness

I was thinking about what I wanted to write about this week and was having a hard time knowing what to share and how I could encourage others by my words.  Honestly, I’m having a hard time adjusting to new medication and it’s hard to function normally and live well.  I so long to feel at peace and feel well again.  I pray this struggle is only for a short time as I figure out medications and dosages and all that, but it’s hard to stay positive and continue to be thankful amidst these circumstances.  

Even as I write this, I know there are people who are way sicker than me and struggling way more.  Not that this minimizes what I am going through, but I do acknowledge that I have a lot to be thankful for.  I am thankful for medication that can help make my life easier.  I am thankful for our health care system, though not perfect, so much better than so many other places around the world.  I am thankful for kind friends and family who pray and support me in many ways.  

I am really trying to do all I can to take care of my body and rest, but it is so hard.  I want to be able to do all I could do before when I was feeling well, but I can’t.  I want to give and share and help others, but I only have so much energy and strength to give right now.  This is such a struggle for me, because I love people and serving and often don’t know my limits of how much to do, be, etc.  

And then I struggle with guilt.  I didn’t do such and such today so I failed, or I couldn’t get together with this person so I feel like a bad friend.  It’s so hard not to make myself feel worse because of this guilt, but I know that it is not from God.  I know I have to take care of myself right now especially, but all the time as well.  There is only so much God has called me to do and I shouldn’t be doing what He hasn’t set aside for me to do.  He has called someone else to do that.  

These are just some thoughts that have been going through my head these last couple of weeks as I live in the tension of not being extremely ill but also not being well.  I am a perfectionist and can be so hard on myself and I’m trying to let that go.  It’s not easy, but I have to continually remind myself that I am perfect and loved by God just as I am.  He has redeemed me and there is nothing more I can do to be worthy of His love.  Yes, I still need to live for Him and honour Him with my life, but I cannot earn His love.  

I am so thankful for this.  And in some ways being sick reminds me of this.  I am not able to do all I can normally do.  I have to take it easy and relax.  I have to rely on God for the strength to get me through each day and I have to trust Him that He will give me the energy to do what He wants me to do each day.  All the other things can wait.  So I didn’t clean my kitchen today, or workout, or even shower, but I am still worthy.  I am still loved.  And if today was a hard day and all I did was breathe and make it through, that is ok.  God is present and He knows and I am so thankful for that.  So I pray that can encourage you too.  Whether you are a perfectionist or not, whether you are sick or not, whether life is great or not.  You are loved, just as you are, nothing to prove.  

I read this verse today and changed the pronoun from he to she, but it encouraged me so much and I’m going to memorize it this month.  

Psalm 91:14-16

“Because she loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue her; I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name.  She will call on me, and I will answer her; I will be with her in trouble, I will deliver her and honour her.  With long life I will satisfy her and show her my salvation.”

Where is God when I'm suffering?

This is such a tough question and something that I think that most of us who struggle with any kind of suffering have to deal with.  Where is God in my pain?  Why did He allow this?  I will never be able to fully answer this question, but I can share my own personal experience of dealing with suffering and wrestling through this issue.  

I have been going through some tough stuff with my mental health over the past few weeks.  I went off of one medication because the doctors and psychiatrists I had seen had suggested another medication might be better for me.  The diagnosis of bipolar disorder that I had been given years ago did not seem to fit for me and a few of the specialists I saw were questioning it.  They suggested I try going off of the medication I was on and see if I could cope without a medication, and if I did need something to help with my anxiety, I could go on something that would help with that.  This was all very confusing to me as I had pretty much accepted that I had bipolar disorder and would have to be on medication all of my life.  Now all of a sudden, I could potentially be off everything and function on my own.  This was exciting, but also a scary decision to make as I could react very negatively if I went off my medication, and I did have bipolar disorder.  Anyway I decided to risk it to see if I could function without medication.  I knew that God would care for me no matter the outcome and would carry me throughout this whole journey.  

Honestly, the past few weeks have been some of the hardest times of my life.  After I was off my medication which helped some with anxiety, my anxiety came on with a vengeance and I could barely cope.  I had no idea why this was happening, and why, when I was trying to do everything right and care for myself the best I could, I could not control this anxiety and live a normal life.  I had awful physical and emotional symptoms and everyday was a struggle to get up and do what I had to do.  I’m still going through this difficult time and although it is getting better, I still struggle to understand why this is happening.  I am back on another medication that helps with anxiety and my body is still adjusting to it.  As much as I wanted to be off medication, it looks as though I need it to function normally.  I am coming to terms with this, and I am thankful that there is something to help me cope.    

However, all that aside, God has never been more present or stopped caring for me every minute of every day.  He has surrounded me with people who have been praying for me daily and I have felt that prayer.  He has given me a supportive husband and a wonderful family who never stopped serving me practically.  He has provided me with so many sweet friends who daily texted me checking in on me, or spent time with me giving me that strength I needed to make it through my days.  So where is God when I am suffering?  He is there.  I may not always feel Him but I know that He is there.  He always gives me exactly what I need when I need it, and He always gives me His strength to do what I need to do.  He provides over and above what I need.  Does this mean that it is easy?  Not at all.  Most days are still a struggle and it is unbearable at times.  Do I understand why I have to suffer in this way at this time?  No, however, I believe that what I am going through is making me a stronger person and someone who is more like Christ.  I am able to minister to others in different ways because of what I have gone through and what I am going through.  I know that what He allows is for my good and His glory.  And honestly, if I can encourage one person as I suffer, it is worth it.  I pray often that I suffer well and with grace.    

So to those of you who are suffering.  Trust me, God knows and He is there.  It may not always feel like it, but He loves you so much more than you know and He will give you the grace to make it through your suffering.  Christ suffered more than we ever will, and He knows what we are going through.  Take comfort in that!  And when you come out the other side, by His grace, you will be more like Him and hopefully more loving and compassionate to others.  You are not alone!       

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:18

Mental Illness and Compassion

Compassion

Living with mental illness has made me much more compassionate and loving and I’m so thankful for that.  It has changed who I am for the better.  I love that I can offer support and understanding to others who are struggling with mental health.  I love that I can offer hope by saying, I’ve been there and I know what you are going through.  I am thankful that I know what it is like to feel hopeless, and feel like life is so monotonous and not know how I will ever get through this day.  To feel like every day is a repeat of the day before and to struggle through the day with what feels like a black cloud over my head.  It is a privilege to enter into pain with someone and to walk through their depression with them.  To just be there and not have to say anything but to just be present.  

It is so important to reach out to others with compassion.  You never know how one word from you can touch someone’s life.  God has placed certain people in our lives for a reason and we need to be sensitive to God’s leading so we can know how and when to minister to those around us.  I can think of several people that God has placed in my life at different seasons, and how He has wanted me to reach out to them and love them and just do life with them.  So often what we do is not rewarded here on earth, and so often we do not even know if we are making a difference or if we are being appreciated by the ones we reach out to.  But we are still called to love those people and reach out and give of ourselves even if we never get anything in return.  Sometimes I get frustrated and I feel like I give and people do not give back in return.  I read a book by Nicki Koziarz and she spoke about emotional generosity and how we often do not receive from many of the people we give to.  And many times we are given emotional generosity from people who we have not given to.  This comforted me and gave me motivation to continue to love those around me who do not give back.  This does not mean that we are called to continually give out to people who suck everything from us and who do not respect boundaries.  There are definitely people who we must cut off and use wisdom when we relate to them.  If we are in prayer and communing with God, then I believe He will guide us and let us know when we need to separate from them and who we need to continue to give to.  

It is so nice to be appreciated and when you are, give thanks to God and point others to Him because it is Him who put that person on your heart, and Him who gives you the strength to serve them everyday.  I try to remember those times and it is helpful to have an encouragement file.  Keep cards or notes that people give you that have encouraged you.  I was told this by a dear friend who I worked with at a crisis pregnancy centre.  So often what we do is never noticed and we never see the fruit of our labours.  So when we are given a glimpse into what God is doing we need to remember it and to be encouraged by it.  It is also helpful to my sinful heart, not to hear praise all the time.  I so often become prideful and I have to remind myself that I am nothing without God.  It is all because of Him that I have accomplished what I have, and it is He who made me and continues to make me more like Him.  He is so gracious and has so much patience with me.  I am so thankful.  All glory to Him!  

I have become a different person through this illness.  I pray that I have become more like Christ through it all.  I know my heart was hard before and now it has been softened.  Sometimes it feels like its too soft but I prefer that over hard heartedness.  I am so much more emotional now and sometimes I feel that hinders me.  However, I hope that people can see how much I care and how broken I am.  Broken yet healed.  Broken yet beautiful.  I pray the same for all of you.